To Be Teen Wolf

By Jake 

From the OYIT Vault:

To Whomever it May Concern,

I recently watched the classic hit comedy/horror film Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox as Scotty, a teen who finds himself turning into a wolf. Scotty, I feel, sets a bad example as a human-turned-wolf.

Scotty uses his powers mostly for things a normal teenager might. He purchases beer for a big party, hears dog whistles, rides on the top of a car as if he were surfing and, most importantly, plays basketball better than a non-wolf could. In my book, that is cheating. Turning into a wolf during the game is like taking performance enhancing drugs. His blatant disregard for the rules of basketball is appalling.

His actions are juvenile and not at all heroic. If I were a werewolf exploits would be slightly more mature, if not helpful to others. While Scotty is busy trying to score a date with the beautiful blond that is out of his league, I would be using my newly developed powers to scare people out of littering or getting addicted to crack cocaine.

The problem with Scotty is that he's too busy being angsty and vain like an average teen. I'm 26 and no longer in high school. I have a girlfriend. I have absolutely no interest in basketball, although I respect it immensely. These are the qualities that would make me the perfect candidate to be a "Teen Wolf."

Obviously I wouldn't be a teen wolf, making the title a bit less impactful. I would be a teen in spirit, yet maintain my age's maturity level and dignity. While one would not find me "surfing" on top of a car, I might be found volunteering at a soup kitchen. I think that shows what kind of person I am, and why I should be Teen Wolf.

J.F. Merch


  1. They need to make a "Pre-Middle Aged Wolf" to reflect the angst of our current station in life.

  2. I wonder if people think my articles are funny. Maybe they just find them very weird, which I guess I'm fine with.

  3. You'll always be my Teen Wolf Jake!!!

  4. how is it possible that this is like a year old and you still haven't signed a contract to be the new teen wolf??!

  5. lol @ you "respect basketball immensely." I don't think that's true and even if it was why would you admit it on a blog?

  6. Glenn, there's nothing too shameful to admit on a blog.