Existential Meditations

By Bub 

A lawyer in an office in an antiquated courthouse in Mississippi has sequestered himself in an un-airconditioned office. He's there over the weekend drinking glass after glass of mid-grade whiskey alternately laughing aloud, coughing, catatonically worrying wide-eyed, and crying silently. Monday morning the custodial staff knocks on the door to the office. The smell of whiskey-sweat and piss is stinging. The lawyer answers the door, retrieves the next week's supply of whiskey that the janitor brought, and locks himself back inside the room.

A sheep-herder stands on a hillock in his field staring at the clouds above the horizon. He sees a bright spot in the sky and becomes alarmed. 'The end of days,' he acknowledges to himself. He takes out his rifle and begins shooting, putting down his sheep one by one to save them from the horrors of the approaching apocalypse. Once he finishes off the last of his flock he is ready to turn the gun on himself. He takes one last look at the world he is about to leave, prepared to glance at the face of death from above, and notices the sun setting. He sits down on the knoll, lays his gun at his side and watches as the menace disappears below the horizon, taking his imminent doom with it into the night.

It was a cold March, and a retail manager waited anxiously for his girlfriend to return from McDonald's with a seasonal Shamrock shake. It was his favorite. She arrived at his apartment after an unusually long trip. "Did you get it?" he asked excitedly as she fought against the late winter wind to push the door shut. "Yea, it's your favorite..." she said, adding, "I had a miscarriage." They sat and consumed their Shamrock shakes in the heavy air of unrealized life and dreams.

Beau's bus approached and he gathered his bags. When the doors opened for him to board he was shocked to see that the driver was not a human but a giant fish in a transit authority uniform. Not wanting to appear prejudiced, Beau reluctantly boarded. As soon as the bus left Beau realized he had made a terrible mistake. Everyone on the bus was crying and wincing, and every other seat was filled with explosives. The giant fish was not a bus driver - it was a terrorist.

"Gary! Put that damn rock down and get inside for supper!" Gary caressed the rock with his thumb, put it down, and went inside to eat. As soon as he had finished, Gary rushed back outside, picked up the rock and began petting it again. "Gary! What the hell is wrong with you? You're supposed to do the dishes, why the fuck are you out here with that damned rock again? What is THE MATTER with you?" "Nothing ma, I just like rocks." Gary didn't just like rocks. He loved rocks. And that particular rock happened to requite Gary's affection.

An elderly homeless gentleman staggers down the street, pantless. A police car pulls up along side him and stops. The police officer motions the gentleman over to the car. When the pantless gentleman approaches the vehicle he looks inside and notices the police officer, too, has no pants. The homeless gentleman looks up at the police officer, and they both begin to weep.

Two teenagers are driving through the woods at night in rural northern Wisconsin. They come upon a bridge that is ablaze. The driver slows down and reaches for the stick to down-shift. The passenger intercepts his hand and squeezes it lovingly. They come to agreement through passionate gaze and proceed to drive to their deaths on the burning bridge.


  1. That last item sounds like a Smiths song, Bub. But I love them all.

  2. I meditated to all of these, but I didn't reach enlightment. I did realize I was living a lie, at least.

  3. lol @ "minty miscarriage" tag and keelin's comment. i've never had a shamrock shake, but i think it's about time i did.