Good morning, Chelsea. And, OMG, I hear you're totally getting married tomorrow! First of all, congratulations. We here at OYIT have pooled our resources to send you a lovely ceramic bowl from your registry and a python. Feel free to use them together or separately. Whichever you prefer. Secondly, do not panic. Sure, these nuptials are as stressful as a raid on Fallujah circa 2005, but nobody likes a stressed-out bride. So keep that in mind when someone is taking your picture with a telephoto lens from half a mile away.
Today's Chelsea Weather
Chelsea is allegedly getting married in upstate New York, which is lovely this time of year except for those freak thunderstorms that strike at the most inopportune moments, leaving you shivering and wet and clearing before you can even find a bridal tarp to duck under.
Today's Chelsea Etiquette Tips
Some guests may be wondering how to behave at this kind of exclusive and rare celebration. Here are a few tips:
+ DO: Greet the bride and groom at the reception.
+ DON'T: Tweet your prediction of how long the marriage will last.
+ DO: Compliment Bill on rescuing those journalists from North Korea.
+ DON'T: Ask Hillary why her sanctions on Pyongyang have failed to produce any notable political or social changes in the region.
+ DO: Arrive on time and cooperate with all security procedures.
+ DON'T: Pull out a handgun and ask why liberals hate the second amendment.
Today's Chelsea Mystery Guest
That's right -- it's Kim Jong-Il! He gives the best presents.
Today's Chelsea Prediction
Chelsea and what's-his-face will have a wonderful life together. One day, as predicted, Chelsea will decide to embark on a political career of her own. In order to avoid the long shadow of her parents, she will relocate to Canada. After much campaigning and hard work, she will become princess of Ottawa.
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