Good Morning LeBron James

By Keelin 

LeBron, I'm going to be honest -- I had never heard of you until yesterday. Then I was informed by multiple people that you are a celebrity athlete who plays a sport that Americans actually care about. Then I was told I better start caring about you or I would be put on the no-fly list. I was even more surprised to learn that you played for a basketball team in Cleveland, a city I had previously believed to have been turned into a used car lot circa 1987. Anyway, good for you! And good morning.

Today's LeBron James Forecast

Your new hometown, Miami, is pretty hot this time of year. Luckily, the soft ocean breezes keep the people cool and the beaches coated with a fine mist of crude oil.

Today's LeBron James Fact

LeBron James is dating Lady Gaga. At least I haven't heard otherwise.

Today's LeBron James Prediction

LeBron James will make a lot of money playing professional sports and endorsing consumer products. I mean, honestly -- what did you think was going to happen to him?


  1. I can't find a TV station this morning that's not covering the Lebron decision. ESPN of course, MSNBC, PBS, ABC Family, IFC, and even CSPAN! In the meantime, Clevelanders are burning effigies of Lebron in the streets incited by the incendiary language of the Cleveland Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert. I mean, I haven't heard anything so rabble-rousing since Tom Tancredo said Barack Obama was the biggest threat to our freedom yesterday in Colorado! The letter:

    Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;
    As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
    This was announced with a several-day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
    Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
    The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
    There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.
    You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
    You have given so much and deserve so much more.
    In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: "I personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one."
    You can take it to the bank.
    If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
    Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
    Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
    This shocking act of disloyalty from our homegrown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.
    But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
    The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
    Just watch.
    Sleep well, Cleveland. Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day...
    I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
    DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue...
    Dan Gilbert
    Majority Owner
    Cleveland Cavaliers

  2. You didn't teach me anything about LeBron James! But I am very proud of you for capturing the "hottest" piece of news right now and turning it into a good morning column. Now we just wait for the pageviews to roll in, like a basketball across the floor at American Airlines Arena in Miami.

  3. I like that that guy is implying that playing for Cleveland is like dying.

    Really funny GM Keelin!

  4. HA! I didn't know that Dan Gilbert published that letter in COMIC SANS! Does that mean he was kidding?

  5. Publishing a letter in Comic Sans isn't going to score him any points with typographers.

    Keelin, I love your GMs. This news wasn't hot until you touched it, now it's scorching all of the hair off my body and my face is redder than an easily embarrassed pornographer's.

  6. I had never heard of basketball until I read this GM...

  7. haha, i love this GM. although i couldn't help but be taken aback by n8's extremely long comment.

  8. I just hung out with LeBron James last night. He said he read this column in 2010 and was "hurt" by it.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.