Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts

KTz Movie Preview Reviewz

By Katy



Hereafter
(Rated PG-13, which is unfortunate because, I had this whole thing worked out where it was rated R, for remake... because America keeps remaking foreign films. Get it? R? Well, eff you then).




My Synopsis: Death. BUM BUM bummmmmm. The big sleep, annihilation, oblivion, expiration, fatality, however you'd like to put it, we think about it, sometimes agonize over it, and most experience it. Hereafter follows the story of three people connected by circumstance who LIVE death. George (Matt Damon) is an American worker with a "special connection" to death. Marie (Cécile de France) is a French journalist who brushes death and it blows her grasp on reality. Finally, Marcus (Frankie/George McLaren), is a London schoolboy who after losing someone close to him begins a quest to discover what happens when you die. In meeting, they all come to an agreement that death is what happens when you die.

My Take: Who doesn't like a movie about death directed by Clint Eastwood? No, really, I'm being genuine here. I'm actually mildly interested to see where this goes. Despite my distaste in all these foreign film remakes, Clint Eastwood hasn't done a terrible job as a director the past few years. Plus, I love French journalists and English schoolboys... in the appropriate ways. Sounds like the perfect movie to chomp popcorn all the way through.

Paranormal Activity II
(Rated R for RIP, and not doing it).




My Synopsis: There's a baby in the mirror and then there's not. And a lot of other stuff happens. Spooky stuff. Like, in one scene, Bernie Mac is sitting in a rocking chair reciting lines from House Party 3 and knitting. In another scene, the inhabiants of the haunted home happen upon Rasputin and Rudolph Valentino playing a game of pool and arguing over which one can claim the title Lothario, as well as who was the most blantant homosexual. Eerie, right? This is certainly not a movie for the children, or most audiences everywhere.

My Take: A small bit of me is curious. I'm not one for horror movies, but I'm intrigued by how scary people claim the first Paranormal Activity was. Since I'm a badass and get scared by nothing short of a Palin-run Tea Party convention, I find the challenge enchanting, but nevertheless, not worth my time... unless the movie has a scene about ghost-Sarah Palin heading up a team of ghoulish Tea Partiers... then I'm in. Someone get back to me on that.

Visit Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park!



By Hot Rod 


Here at Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park, the kids can enjoy grass related amusement rides such as 'The Lawnmower', 'The Waterhose' and the 'Role in the Hay' (warning all rides only for those 18 years of age or older).

You can experience the hands on history of lawn maintenance at the exhibit 'A History of Lawnmowers', narrated by Viggo Mortensen, which starts with a single flint stone, and chattel Jew slaves; and ends with the Deluxe John Deere Lawnmaster and your choice of Guatemalan or Nicaraguan day laborers.

From there you can proceed to the 'Grass of the Future' exhibit which begins in the near distant future - 2016 - where grass has become enslaved by the soaring defecit and overly-burdensome tax code, not to mention Obamacare. Grass no longer has the will to grow and instead uses its fertilizer to get high and lay around until it collects its next stimulus check and gets AIDS to be cared for by the taxpayer. In 2020, grass rallies behind Sarah Palin's vision of America, and becomes re-energized by free market forces and is now taller, whiter, and blonder than ever. Grass lives happily ever after in gated communities for the next thousand years. In the year 3020 the Great Grass Wars between the gaseous grass from Neptune and the patriotic grass of Earth wipes out half of Earth's human population and nearly 30,000 blades of grass. In the year 911911 grass finally recovers from heartache. And finally in the year 10,000,000 the world as we know it no longer exists. The universe has expanded and retracted until it collapsed back into the single blade of grass that we all came from in the Big Bang.

After you have been electrified by the history - past - and future - of all things grass, you can visit our famous Grass Orchard where we have over 7 kinds of grass. There you will find regular grass, crab grass, blue grass, four kinds of invisible grass, and pure race grass - the grass for racists. You may notice that the latter populates most of the grounds of the park. That's right nigger, stay off the lawn.

If you are famished or parched, visit the Grass Orchard Cafe where we feature an entire menu made from grass. You can have your favorite cud sandwich, freshly chewn; un baguette du catalan made with grass flour and fertilizer; and for the vegetarian try our Peter The Great grass salad featuring three types of grass from the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia, ferungeek, and a delicate soy-sheep's-blood vinaigrette. Top it off with a grass flavored Diet Coke or Shasta!

At the end of your day of fun you have the exciting option of either accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour or becoming a piece of lawn yourself by way of our Grassifying Modulater 5000, equipped with 5000 Japanese blades worthy of heathen pulverizing!

I'm sure after your visit to Great Grass America, you'll have been entertained, you'll know a little more about grass, and you'll know a whole lot more about love and/or being liquefied by a giant blender.

Don't You Dare Burn that Qur'aan (Koran)

By Glenn 


When I first heard that our President was going to burn a Qur'aan on September 11th, I was flabbergasted. This is the anniversary of the day that my favorite movie, United 93, was based on. In that movie, a group of strong-willed Americans help re-hijack a plane that has been hijacked by Islamic terrorists. Why would the ostensible President of the United States burn the Holy Book of a religion his father practiced? That would be like me burning the Farmer's Almanac.

Once I looked closer at the issue, I realized that the President wasn't involved. I had been fooled again by the professional right. It turns out that it's a crazy cult-ish pastor in Florida who is trying to burn the Qur'aans as some sort of message to Muslims that Americans are full of ignorant bigots. Hey Terry Jones, we already have John Boehner, Sarah Palin and a bunch of other Republican leaders to do that!

This reminds me of another story, when a moderate Muslim wanted to build a community center close to the financial district in Manhattan. When the proposed site was revealed on the Drudge Report, it brought out some serious soul searching about how we should treat a minority group in this great melting pot that is the United States. The first suggestion was that we simply move the site of Park 51, the community center, to a place further away from the former World Trade Center. Rudy Guiliani suggested it be moved to Shanksville, Pennsylvania but was embarrassed when someone pointed out that is where United 93 crashed. Bill Clinton suggested it be moved to Fort Marcy Park in McLean, Virginia but was embarrassed when someone pointed out that is where Vince Foster was murdered. Eventually someone explained it was a community center and not a mosque so people lost interest.


These two stories are incredibly different but both reflect the Qur'aan verse "Your god is one god; there is no god but He, Most Gracious, Most Merciful." [2:163] The day I burned my first Qur'aan I stood there and looked into the embers thinking to myself: "What have I become? Am I a monster?" In other words, I gazed into the ashes of a Qur'aan and it gazed back into me. Burning the Qur'aan is wrong because burning any holy book is wrong. Religion has done nothing but enrich our lives for the past 170 years (since Mormonism was invented). Don't burn a Qur'aan unless you feel very differently.

Good Morning LeBron James

By Keelin 



LeBron, I'm going to be honest -- I had never heard of you until yesterday. Then I was informed by multiple people that you are a celebrity athlete who plays a sport that Americans actually care about. Then I was told I better start caring about you or I would be put on the no-fly list. I was even more surprised to learn that you played for a basketball team in Cleveland, a city I had previously believed to have been turned into a used car lot circa 1987. Anyway, good for you! And good morning.

Today's LeBron James Forecast



Your new hometown, Miami, is pretty hot this time of year. Luckily, the soft ocean breezes keep the people cool and the beaches coated with a fine mist of crude oil.

Today's LeBron James Fact



LeBron James is dating Lady Gaga. At least I haven't heard otherwise.

Today's LeBron James Prediction



LeBron James will make a lot of money playing professional sports and endorsing consumer products. I mean, honestly -- what did you think was going to happen to him?

Good Morning Whales

By Keelin 



Good morning, whales. Yes, you! Now stop eating all that plankton and listen up. I read today that the Gulf Oil spill has claimed its first cetacean victim, something that article refers to as "a juvenile sperm whale" but for short, we here at OYIT will just call Bob. No doubt Bob is just the first of many whale-victims of the oil spill so I wanted to reach out to the whale community before it's too late. Plus Sarah Palin has instructed all Americans to stop talking about her breast implants and "save a whale or something." It was too late to save Bob, but surely this proclamation can help the rest of you out!

Today's Whale Forecast



I'm not gonna lie, dudes, it looks bad. There's a lot of oil swishing around and a hurricane could sweep through and froth it all up to the surface at any moment. On a positive note, the Florida tourism board assures me the state's beaches are still clean enough for drinking and taking your top off.

Today's Whale Fact



Whales are descended from land-living mammals who returned to the sea millions of years ago. To which I say: why don't you guys just get out of the water? There's less oil and way more good TV shows here on land.

Today's Prediction



In a reversal of her previous advice, Sarah Palin will start gunning down whales from a helicopter lent to her by Gov. Charlie Crist. The wolves of Alaska will let out a sigh of relief before Todd Palin runs them down with a snow machine.

Good Morning Sports Fans

By Keelin 



Good morning. Yesterday I participated in one of America's finest traditions (after funnel cakes and draconian drug sentences): I went to a professional baseball game.

Baseball has come a long way since it was invented in the 16th century as a cure for syphilis. For instance, now these mostly out-of-shape players make lots of money and travel all over our great country, where regional prejudices can remind them over and over why they never want to leave home again.

Usually, there is very little scoring in baseball, making it kind of like America's soccer, if America didn't already have soccer that was widely scorned by the ticket-buying classes. But it's not only Americans who enjoy baseball! It's also the favorite sport of Japan and large swaths of Latin America. Unfortunately, it remains the least favorite sport of Saudi Arabia.

Today's Stadium Food



Sushi! I know, you were expecting a hot dog. But this is the 21st century and this was the most popular item on the menu at the stadium yesterday. While it remains a hit up here in the Pacific Northwest, the state of Arizona recently expelled stadium sushi when it failed to present its residency papers.

Today's Stadium Music



Anything by the Black Eyed Peas. They are visionaries. And "Louie Louie."

Today's Stadium Prediction



I will live another seventy years and never have the opportunity to attend another professional sports match. To fill the gaping hole in my life, I will watch "Rudy" on an endless loop and use sports stats to strike up conversations with strangers.

Good Morning Sarah's Girls




By Sarah 


As you may know, the beauty elites crowned a new Miss USA over the weekend. What you may not know is that this Miss USA wouldn't even be recognized as a legal US citizen if she were ever to visit the only real state in the union, Arizona. Now I don't mind who you sacrifice animals to, be it Khtulu or Steve Jobs, but the founding fathers never envisioned a 'Moslem' instructing our vulnerable Christian Youth as to the latest fashion in suicidue bombing belts. No sir, that's not the America I know and love that exists mainly in my fevered dreams. So to put a little patriotism back into loving America I am going to show you the real Misses USAs. You won't find these women sipping champaign and wearing clothes from a several hundred-thousand dollar wardrobe. They wont be damning America in their pre-meal prayers at the Russian Tea Room or Olive Garden. They'll be at home, waiting for their husbands to sober up, shedding silent tears, of pride, for their country. Without further ado, I present to you Sarah's Girls!






Back in the day only liberal snobs owned cats. They were exotic creatures that had to be captured by expeditions of slaves to The Dark Countries. This real American had the guts to ask 'What's wrong with the wolves we have right here in America?' When nobody answered, she safety pinned one to her favorite hat. You should have seen the look on those red-diapered America-last crowders when they saw her walking down the street with that bloody wolf cub's corpse stuck to her hat. Well, she got her point across and no one ever bought a cat again.






You can bet this gal has never even heard of 'Quinoa' or 'Asparagus'. This is a down home country girl that loves intestined-cased bloody meet-n-organ slurry so much she doesn't have time to run to the ice box to fetch a fresh one. She is the real 'working girl' here, not that Stalin-stroker Melanie Griffith.







This is the sausage lady from above pictured 2 years later. This is the kind of real American women the liberal media doesn't want you to see - those that love their country so much that they are willing to buy and consumre in order to increase their body mass, and in turn America's territory, even at the cost of her own health and odor.





This good ole girl took a nod from the wolf lady and decided to go one step further - to a live crab. No only is this woman supporting America's small businesses by wearing a giant crab on her hat but she is honoring God by showing everyone that no atheist scientist could ever produce something as wondrous as life. Of course this was too much for Big Brother to handle, and after the crab attacked several children and passersby, they locked Crab Lady up in their Western version of the gulag - the psychiatric facility. Crab Lady, we will never forget.






Some say that I don't like blacks. That couldn't be further from the truth. I don't like MOST blacks. But ones from the Jim Crow era or earlier or mostly alright in my book. Like the gal pictured here. Miss, your disenfranchisement made America a better place, God bless you and those adorable little children that you don't take care.





And last but certainly not least, what liberal America is lacking above all - modesty. You wont see this gal wearing any of those fashionable nipple-less tube tops that you buy at Prada, and you certainly wont catch her reading Soviet propaganda in the Pravda. She is American through and through - Christian, humble, racist and strong - and she, like YOU are one of 'Sarah's Girls'.

Crazy Morning Heart-On

By Nate

The Dude Abides:



All that hype from Maddie and me a few weeks ago has been justified by the Academy.

HUMP DAY REVIEW:

The Smithsonian has inducted the most important and symbolic symbol from Inauguration Day 2009 into its museum: Michelle Obama's ball gown.

Upon the passage of health care reform, Rush Limbaugh has pledged he will to move to Costa Rica - a state that abolished its army in 1949 to provide universal health care to its people.

In another ironic statement, Sarah Palin said she went to Canada to receive health care as a child. I'm frankly surprised she survived to tell about it.

Karl Rove wrote a book. No CIA agents were outed with its publication.

If you are one of the 40% of people who believe the Earth was formed through Creationsim, then please, by all means, go to Liberty University and reaffirm your belief by taking the class and receiving a fake college degree.

And to wrap this up, Congressman Eric Massa, D-NY, groped some staffers and resigned Tuesday. Glenn Beck, who used to refer to Massa as a terrorist, welcomed him to his show as a hero.

THIS WEEK IN THE FUTURE:

Saturday, the state of New Mexico will recognize Pluto as a planet mainly because that's what it was known as for almost a century. New Mexico is in the "Sun Belt." Old people retire there. Those old troglodytes hate change.

Pi Day is Sunday. How many decimal places of pi can you recite from memory?

DICK OF THE WEEK:



Dennis Kucinich won't vote for health care reform because it isn't liberal enough even though he might be the deciding vote against the bill.

What a dick.

NEXT WEEK:

The Ides of March! Poll: which OYIT writer would you most like to see betrayed and stabbed? Answer in the comments.

PREDICTIONS:

Mikey will win the poll, and Bub, Glenn, and Jake will conspire in the stabbing.