Jake's Monday Morning Mixed Bag

By Jake 

Good day, kind readers. I greatly appreciate that you are reading this. This article might be a bit "out there" and "random." If you dislike this there will be a hilarious Life with Mikey posting later that you should definitely check out.

Here's a haiku:
On TV I see
A Wild West amputation
Performed on a pig

I was watching a documentary on the Old West when I wrote this.

I do not know the type of poem this is, although it is quite nonsensical. It's alphabetical, so how could it not be nonsense?

a blue colored desk,
fits enough glue,
having inside: jars,
knives, lint;
massively novel on purpose,
quiet, reserved,
sedately tethered up;
Viewing warmly:
x-rays yellowing;

Trivia: I currently have more followers on Twitter than Wings actor Steven Weber.

This is a photo I took of a baseball skin lying in a field.

Here's a bit from my non-existant stand-up act:
You guys go to the doctor? It's a little expensive, right? I usually only have to pay somebody $50 to stick a finger up my ass. My doctor is a good guy though, he only makes me wait for two hours once I get into the check-up room. Speaking of checks, how do you guys get your waiters attention when you're in a busy restaurant? Isn't drawing a check sign in the air the most jackassy way to do it? We all do it, right? What else are you going to do? The waiter keeps walking by really fast, you're trying to get say something to him but by the time the words come out he's three tables away. The only thing you haven't tried doing is drawing check signs in the air. Hey, it works, but you can't help but feeling like a jerk. That's why I never go out to eat. I'd rather spend two hours making dinner than draw a check sign in the air. Speaking of air, isn't pollution scary? I hate people who pollute. I think if you get caught littering you should be put on death row. If you litter then you are selfish and deserve to spend the rest of your life eating McDonald's and watching cable TV in a cage.

Thank you, thank you.


  1. I hope you aren't saying that just because you have more Twitter followers that you are a better actor than STeven Weber.

  2. Ha! You must've been watching Seinfeld when you were writing your stand-up bit!! My favorite Jake GMs have poems and comedy - this is falls loosely into that category!!!

  3. I wrote this while I was watching Seinfeld! But I wrote that stand-up bit a couple months ago. My new stand-up bits have less punchlines in them and are about more mundane things like yard work and brushing your teeth three times a day. The next GM I do, I will post my bit about yard work. I'll be giving Songer a run for his money (and he and I both could use a run).

  4. Haha, I love "Wings" and the Old West! Jake, let's go to a ghost town together.

  5. Haha! Your stand-up was funny and then got a little violent in the end, but I felt you were serious. Maybe not such a joke? Hey, I'm not judging - in fact I mostly agree.

  6. haha, i've always thought of steven weber as a lesser version of you. keelin and jake, i'm coming with you to the ghost town.

  7. jake you WILL be doing live stand up in peoria. i insist.