Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIX]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
AT my job I have 2 use a printer. It's the hewlett packard laserjet 4050. A fine machine if you like CRAPPY PRINTERS!!! This thing never prints when I want to, and sometimes prints the wrong things. also there are paper jams. what do I do to fix these paper jams and maybe what is your favorite kind of jam? I mean favorite kind of printer.
-Jamming James

Hi James,

I understand that printers can be frustrating. I used a printer for many, many years when I lived with my mother and still had hopes and dreams that the things in life that were important needed to be solid and tangible. We went through two HP printers (those are Hewlett Packard printers for those of you over 45) and both of them were delightful except for one thing: those fuckers would grab at least three sheets of paper at one time to print one page. It was infuriating. That's when I realized that everything in life was infuriating. Everything was broken. Everything would fall apart, no matter how many times you replaced it all.

It was a powerful lesson.

I stopped printing; even my school work. I would just hand in a USB flashdrive with a post-it note that said "Deal with it." I was kicked out of three colleges, dropped from eighteen classes, was put on suspension twice, and to this day haven't received my degree, but that's an unrelated story.

I still don't use printers, so I don't know what to recommend, except that you stop using a printer. Until technology (and the people who make it happen) can just process the ideas and thoughts in my mind and pop it out on a magical sheet of paper that appears in the place I will it, I will never again touch print. Read a newspaper? No thank you, I can read it online. Pick up a book? What the fuck for? It's called a Kindle, welcome to 2007.

Also I like peach jam.
hi Katy,
My name is Arthur. I was named after the Dudley Moore character in the movie Arthur. No, I do not drink. I find the practice abhorrent. I also do not play the piano. I find that practice even more abhorrent. Or at least I thought that until I read some drunk driving statistics. Did you know drunk driving kills more people than pianos? So what should I do?

Hi Arthur,

Learn to play the didgeridoo drunk, but be careful, both drinking and didgeridoos are rumored to cause pregnancies, so don't do either around the fairer sex.

Also, each some toast with butter and peach jam.
hi Katy,
Do you like public libraries? I spend a lot of time in them. I'm not homeless but also not a bibliophile. I just like a place where people of all races, incomes and species can come together to masturbate to softcore pornography. But do you have any library tips specifically? Any books or magazines I should check out? I was thinking about getting a copy of the Satanic Bible...
Library-Lovin' LaVey

Hi LaVey,

I used to really like public libraries. I spent many a day at the library in my hometown, sitting in various cushioned corners and reading the day away or flipping through microfilm to read the truth about my friend who was killed when I was seven. Then technology took over. I mean REAL technology, not that microfilm shit. Like, computers and stuff. OH, and remember when they first started putting CDs out to check-out? Not that it wasn't cool, it just seemed to marr what the library was suppose to be. So, all these people started showing up to "surf the net" and or waste an hour on chat1 picking up twelve-year-olds pretending to be sixteen-year-olds. Note: I was that twelve-year-old. And it ruined my life. More than printers did.

But, I'm losing focus. After the public library failed me, I moved on to the Thomas Tredway Library at Augustana College, my favorite library to date. True, it's not technically public, but this did not stop myself and my friend, Kristy, from venturing many an evening there after our high school classes and a good meal at Arthur's Deli to sit around their non-technological, historical building filled with honest-to-life books.

From then on, all libraries have been disappointing. From sixty-year-old men talking loudly on their cell phones in the "silent corner" to shelves advertising Stephanie Meyer's latest "novel" and still to rows and rows of people sitting at computers and masturbating to softcore porn.

The only thing libraries have kept consistent that I will always love is easily irritable, middle-aged women who stand behind the check-out counter. Without those frowns and worry lines I would never even crack the door to the Marion Public Library, and those ladies would never crask the door to my heart.
Hi Katy,
My friends told me that if I smoked pot with them that it would make me cool. I smoked it and it just made me high! How do I become cool?
-Joe Uncool

Hi Joe,

Cool is relative. I think it would be more apt for one of these friends to say, "If you smoke pot with us, we will find you cool." And that's probably very true. This usually only happens around the ages of 12 to 18. By the time you're an adult and out in the real world, the majority of pot smokers are simply contenting to be smoking pot. If you chose not to partake, that just means it's more for them.

I've done a recent study using pot smokers in my tri-county area and it turns out that while smoking pot does in fact "make you cool," this is only saying it "chills one out."

You are your own rainbow, Joe. This decision is yours.


  1. THANK YOU KATY!!!! On behalf of everyone who has tried to print everywhere.

  2. Katy, if only your advice was available when I was an impressionable teen girl! At least kitten can still benefit...

  3. finally, someone calling printers what they are: ASSHOLES


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