Places to Meet a Significant Other

By Jake 

One thing I cannot stand is seeing people single. When I hear that one of my friends just broke up with their significant other I immediately feel the acid in my stomach bubble, and pretty soon I'm punching holes in my bedroom wall. That's why I decided to develop a guide to some of the most common places to find a significant other and how they stack up.

Sport's Bar

Men: When a man sees a woman at a sport's bar he immediately knows that she either a)likes sports or b)will at least tolerate sports. This is a win/win situation for any true male sports fan. When football season is going, your girlfriend will not bug you because "the big game" has been on for three hours and she wants to watch Press Your Luck. Instead, she'll join you and toss back some brews while your sports friends ask her to show her tits and discuss their vd's. No whammies, no whammies, STOP.

Women: When a woman sees a man at a sport's bar she immediately knows that he either a)is a heterosexual or b)he's gay and likes sports. Either way, the female sports fan will have a ball watching "the big game" with another true sports fan. Female sports fans are becoming far more common place than in the last few generations. Women are told to not like sports because only fat men watch them, but even that trend has changed! In this modern age, everybody likes sports, even hermaphrodites-- and they'll even watch WNBA.

Jewelry Store

Men: A woman in a jewelry store loves to be showered with expensive gifts. She is very easy to buy off. If you sleep with her best friend, you'll probably be able to give her an expensive diamond bracelet and she won't care. Conversely, you better have a bunch of money, because that bitch is a gold digger.

Women: A man in a jewelry store loves to spend money on his significant other. He will shower you in gifts, especially when he messes up. Guess what? He's rich and will always be messing up. You'll have a huge collection of assorted necklaces and broaches (whatever the fuck those are). Your girlfriends will be so jealous. Their envy will give you all your power.

At a College House Party

Men: This isn't for every age group, but if you're under 30 you'll fit in pretty well. When a female and yourself are waiting in like to do a keg stand while everybody chants your name, you can ask her to make out. You're both drunk and you can chalk it up as a mistake if you need to. Liquor is the grease on the wheels we call relationships. You might end up with a one night stand or you might find your true love. Either way you're not going to feel well when you wake up - whether from a hangover or herpes.

Women Women of any age can show up at a college party and have all the party bros hovering around her like vultures. I have to stress the importance of the word "house" in the title of this section. Do not go to a frat party. If I have learned nothing else from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series, it's that frat boys are only interested in two things: 1)drugging girls to rape them and 2)human sacrifices. Going to a house party where one of your friends lives is a positive thing to do, but getting raped and sacrificed is a bad way to spend a Friday night.

Coffee Shop

Men: A coffee shop usually attracts a certain type of woman. It all depends on the area in which you live, but a coffee shop could be the perfect place to find a hipster woman who will listen to Animal Collective with you. You could also find a fellow caffeine junkie who will drink espresso with you until your hearts explode. Be careful of the low lighting though because it might disguise deep facial and bodily scarring.

Women: Most of the men at a coffee shop are probably gay or don't have internet at their house. It's a lose-lose situation.

There are of course other places to meet men or women, like a Dave Matthews Band concert or during a jihad, and I will cover those in a follow-up article.


  1. Haha, never has an OYIT article been more relevant to me and my quest to meet unemployed men with whom I can listen to indie rock.

  2. This is all so true. Is it okay for me to say that I gave Jake the original idea for this article?

  3. jake, i am taking these tips to heart. thank you so much.

  4. The best place to meet a girl in a jewelry store is in Oasis Cafe at the back of a jewelry store on Wabash in Chicago. It's a well kept secret and only futures traders and Tilted Kilt waitresses on break will be there!