Good Morning Mexican Food

By Glenn 

Good morning. Let's take this very low brow. Most of my posts and even the recent writings of my compatriots have been too sophisticated for even a New York Review of Books. Instead of writing about GOP Senate primaries or Quasars, I'm going to talk about Mexican food. As a vegetarian, I enjoy Mexican food because there are so many meatless options and because even the food that involves dead animals or children has been blessed by a Catholic Priest.

Today's Weather

En la Ciudad Juárez, there has been a lot of heat and I don't just mean from the summer sun! I mean from mass murder and relentless drug-related violence. The stories from Juarez are so brutal they make the post-Katrina Superdome look like my last family reunion. The record high is 115 degrees and 115 bodies of a rival drug cartel found in a very shallow, superficial grave. I would like to visit Juarez sometime before President Calderon cleans it up.

Today's Mexican Food
I could do something easy here, like the quesadilla. Mispronounced in movies such as Napoleon Dynamite and the sequel to Wall Street (Wall Street 2: Revenge of the Fallen), this is a delicious type of Mexican food we all love. But I would instead like to go with something a little less conventional: the chalupa.
For the first 35 years of my life I did not know what a chalupa was, or have any idea the role it might have in going into my mouth. One day I tried one and I was blown away, like Jeff Bridges in the movie Blown Away. Chalupas have more vegetables than a cheese quesadilla, meaning they are more healthy. And they've all been molested and subsequently blessed by Catholic Priest. Next time you're in Taco Bell, the only Mexican restaurant left in New York, please order a chalupa and mention this article to get another chalupa free.

Today's Mexican Fast Food Restaurant
I again will pivot away from the easy answer: Taco Bell. Sure, Taco Bell is great, owned by Pepsi and has cheap vegetarian options. But lest we forgot about its smaller, disabled cousin Taco John's.

I was first exposed to Taco John's during the beautiful summer month of July in the beautiful summer state of North Dakota. How excited was I to see Potato Olés! Taco Tuesdays provided you with Taco's for only 99 cents each. That's a great deal when you consider how much it much cost to run a place like Taco John's - the health code violations alone probably account for 40% of their monthly expenses. My point is that Taco John's is often forgotten but they can provide great, cheap meals to vegetarians and humans. Plus they get tax credits for hiring quadriplegics.

Today's Prediction
The quadriplegics hired by Taco Bell will unionize in North Dakota, surprising everyone there for a multitude of reasons. A Catholic Priest from Juarez will fly into town to support the unionization effort of the mostly Hispanic and white working class workforce, bringing with him enough chalupas to feed the multitudes.


  1. i love this post because i love mexican food.

  2. That priest will be like Jesus at the Sermon on the Mount. Let's just hope he can feed up to 5000 people and not feel up 5000 people.

  3. This was a funny post. Funnier than some of Sinbad's stand up specials (but not his most recent, which is uproarious).

    I'm surprised you haven't had Taco John's before since they are all over the Quad Cities. There's one in the South Park Mall even, in the food court. You were probably eating Sbarro's or Maidrite to even notice or care.


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