Our Take with Jake and Ezekiel: 50 Cent and Voting

By Ezekiel and Jake 

In Our Take with Ezekiel and Jake, we will be giving our semi-professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Courtney Thorne-Smith's performance on "According to Jim." We're just like the ladies of "The View," but with less self-loathing.

Issue # 1: 50 Cent
Ezekiel: I was hanging out with a few friends, eating TGIF's® microwaveable mozzarella sticks and drinking Dr. Pepper. It was past 12am on a Friday, so obv we were chatting with boys on AIM and watching late-night MTV. Nothing out of the ordinary. When, boom, there he was on the screen, descending from the heavens, shirtless with a white sweat band -- the man, the myth, the legend -- the dude with ridiculously small tank tops and an even smaller penis: 50 Cent. And thus sparked a short love affair. My favorite song was "21 Questions," which has really stood the test of time. Inquiries like "If I ain't rap because I flipped burgers at Burger King, would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feeling me?" are even more relevant today than they were in 2003. He fell off my radar later that year (Chingy, anyone?), so I'm not sure what he's up to now. I do follow him on Twitter, where he spends a lot of time talking about masturbation and claiming he's not homophobic. He was also kind enough to advise us girls to perform fellatio when we're menstruating so that our boyfriends don't dump us. Thanks for the heads-up, 50!

Jake: 50 Cent was once a popular rapper, releasing a 'classic' album, "Get Rich or Die Trying." His fame has suffered due to trying to present himself as too much of a villain or asshole with no letting up from that persona. Or maybe people just do not want to hear crack raps in 2010.

Personally, I kind of like him. His second Aftermath album, "The Massacre," is mostly really good, barring "Candy Shop," which is a really awful song. Pretty much any Aftermath album is going to have a few truly terrible radio singles, and 50's albums are the worst when it comes to that.

Very recently, 50 Cent released a song with Soulja Boy called "Mean Mug," and it's actually pretty great.

Issue # 2: Voting

Ezekiel: You should vote -- and no, not just so you "have a right to complain." You should vote so you're not, um, how do I say this? A total asshole? Not that assholes don't vote, too: if there's anything we learned from Tuesday, it's that assholes vote. A lot. For other assholes. But at least they made an effort! Young ppl, listen: you are not "too busy." I promise you that the Willow Smith mash-up vid will still be there in 30 mins. And both candidates suck? Corporate sell-outs, pandering pricks, the giant douche vs. turd sandwich, etc.? "Neither party speaks to me." Okay, fair enough, but I guarantee you that one comes closer to it than the other. Stop embarrassing us! You're like the moms who blasted Sheryl Crow in the carpool line. Please get your shit together in time for 2012.

Jake: Ugh, this is definitely something I do not want to address on this site. I am probably the only non-voter on One Year in Texas, and there are probably very few non-voters reading this site. Hell, there are probably very few people reading this site period. Why don't I vote? It goes back to reading too many anarchist philosophy books. My feeling is, why should I have to elect my oppressors? I would rather actually be free, and not have to choose people to limit my freedoms.

I do not have voter apathy, but I do hate politics. I find following politics to be utterly boring and pretty disgusting. I hate watching people speaking on things they obviously do not believe in just to pander to voters for reelection. It ruins the process (which I hate to begin with). You are supposed to vote for who you agree with on the issues, but politicians are just lying about their true beliefs to get elected.

Can one vote make a difference? Sure, if the difference you're talking about is getting somebody elected. I think if nobody voted it would send a much bigger message than if everybody voted. It would say, you are not giving us credible candidates and the system is fucked. I would vote for gay marriages or legalizing pot, though.


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  2. I think you're an asshole, too, Jake. BUT, "Mean Mug" is like my favorite song this year or this month or something.

  3. As a rule on this article, we don't say no to topics. If that wasn't a rule, I would have passed on voting on a topic. It's just going to make people hate me more than they already do.

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  5. I was gonna make some joke about not being able to say no to topics being undemocratic or something but I'm too lazy right now. Pretend I did and that it was god damn hilarious and then I put it in a Kanye tweet or something (LOL!!!!!) cause that's my "thing" here.

  6. Honestly, I feel I wasted my time voting this round. Jake made a comment the other day that I actually agreed with. It was along these lines.
    "Everyone should just stop voting. Literally, everyone. Then the candidates would actually have to get things done so people would start voting for them again."
    Hey, he's got a point.
    I love this addition by the way! It's so fun!

  7. Alas, there are too many gung-ho assholes who will vote for someone based on the fact that they raised a retarded child or got a bullet in their ass in WWII (these are not based on anyone specifically and raising a retarded child is commendable but not for campaigning purposes - that's just exploitative). So as long as those gung-ho 'may the best red only win' nuts are voting someone's got to fight for some form of political logic I suppose.