Our Take with Sarah and Jake (Andrew "Dice" Clay and Sweet Potato Fries)

By Sarah and Jake

In Our Take with Sarah and Jake, we will be giving our meandering opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to The Shield powerbombing Ryback through a table. We're like orange juice: squeezed and full of pulp. 

Andrew “Dice” Clay


Jake:  Andrew Silverstein portrays the character Andrew “Dice” Clay, a homophobic, misogynistic, Brooklyn tough guy obsessed with sex.  Are the things he says deplorable?  Yes, but so are the things the Pat character says in the feature length motion picture “It’s Pat.”  “Dice” is a classic character and the things he says are sometimes funny, sometimes awful.
I have been reading the book “Live From New York,” which is about “Saturday Night Live.”  Nora Dunn famously walked out on the show during the week that Andrew Silverstein hosted as his character Andrew “Dice” Clay.  She was wrong to do this in many ways, but mostly because she is a sketch actor dealing in characters.  Even “Dice” said he thought it was ridiculous since he was just portraying a character and he thought that those actors would “get it.”
I am not a huge fan of Andrew “Dice” Clay, but his presence is strong and he is occasionally very funny.  I am more interested in hearing what Sarah, a third wave feminist and sketch comedy/improv actor, thinks about him.  Let’s find out together:

Sarah:  Yuck. I won’t waste my breath on someone like Andrew Dice Clay. MTV should reinstate the ban they placed on this piece of poopy in 1989. I know he probably gets off on it when women get upset about his comedy, so instead of discussing how terrible this poopy man is, I will instead discuss an improv set I saw recently where the players performed “Andrew Dice Clay Improv” and turned what otherwise is considered by everyone to be disgusting material into something very, very funny. The Dice Clay Players made really, outrageously racist and misogynistic jokes the whole time. The thing about it though? They were making fun of Andrew Dice Clay saying them and not the topics themselves. We, the diverse and intelligent audience, laughed and enjoyed the performance because we all could agree that these jokes were so bad. They were so bad! So bad, they weren’t funny. We were laughing at the fact that someone tried to tell them and be serious about it. What a poopy comedian! What a piece of poop. What. A. Piece. Of. Shit. MTV, please ban him again. Anyone who says "adult nursery rhymes" seriously is just kinda trying too hard.


Sweet Potato Fries

Jake: Until very recently I abhorred the taste of sweet potatoes.  To me, it tasted like a pumpkin’s engorged dick.  Although I do like taste of pumpkins and penis, I found the taste of sweet potatoes off-putting.  Now, if sweet potatoes (or yams) are cooked a certain way I can enjoy them to some degree.
Sweet potato fries are bullshit.  French fries are wonderful.  You do not need to change up the classic formula.  This is a total Coke II situation.  Sweet potato fries are the Crystal Pepsi of burger side dishes.  It’s a novelty that is semi enjoyable, but hard to wrap your head around.

Sarah:  Sweet potato fries are the most delicious trend food to happen to the world since regular ol’ french fries. Good grief. There is a reason they cost a little extra and a reason I willingly pay that extra to eat them. They are so good! I love them. They are sweet and salty. The best food combination in the land! They are so soft on the inside! There is sometime exotic about a vegetable that you don’t eat often being dipped in hot oil and coming out on a sexy platter next to a greasy hamburger or even in a bowl all by themselves. It’s like the straight laced, shy, quiet sweet potato sat around for years doing what it was told until someone was like, “Hey. Sweetie. Do something fun for yourself.” Sweet potato took off her glasses and got crazy and everyone was amazed at how good it tasted! Guys, even frozen sweet potato rounds from Jewel Osco are good. Trust me on this. Yes, they are semi-trendy. Six years ago they were new and fresh and I was totally on board before everyone else -- I don’t care! Now, they are mainstream and I would still go see them in concert.

A pumpkin would be proud to have a sweet potato fry as its penis! And so would I!

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Our Take with Sara and Jake (Wind and 9/11 Truth)

By Sara and Jake

In Our Take with Sarah and Jake, we will be giving our meandering opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz going on strike. We're like the film "Robocop," half-man, half-machine, all cop.

Wind

Sarah: Today it is a very windy day. I don’t like this. The constant swooshing noises and blowing trees is an agonizing sound that makes me think a giant oak is about to fall through my window. I would only like this if I were sailing out on the ocean or a large lake, because the boat needs wind to move. Even then, though, I would probably get a little peeved as my hair whipped around my face making it impossible to see anything. My eyes might get destroyed as the wind flicked my hair into them and out of them repeatedly. I bet the Pilgrims loved wind because it helped them get to America on those giant sailing ships. They might frown on my take when it comes to wind. I don’t feel badly though because the Pilgrims were not kind to Native Americans.

Also, wind makes any day colder. This can actually be nice when it’s 95 degrees outside and humidity makes it an odd 100. However, this weather issue is so much worse in the winter. Windchill is one of the scariest words in the human language. Anything that comes after the word ‘windchill’ in a sentence is bad news. I also heard Chicago is called the “Windy” City because its politicians are so windy (full of hot air). In any case, Chicago is not significantly windier than any other US city (Wikipedia). The bottom line is, unless wind is helping me get somewhere, I could go without it.

Jake:  As I am tapping away at my keyboard, forming ideas into words and words into sentences, gusts of wind are rustling the trees.  The ambient noise it creates is very soothing.  If I was a spiritual man, I would meditate and worry about my actions.  Since I am not, I merely sit back, putting a Cuban cigar to my lips, and enjoy the noise.

What is better than a nice breeze or a gust of wind on a warm summer day?  There are plenty of things I could list, but wind is still pretty great.  The sweet relief from the harsh summer heat is a joy I will never take for granted.  Yet, too much wind is awful.  For instance, a tornado is too much wind.  Even the artificial wind of a fan is wonderful.  I cannot fall asleep lest a fan is running.  That is most likely a product of my tinnitus, but I would like to think it just makes me a wind enthusiast.

Things wind can do: power our iMacs, allow us to see Marilyn Monroe's underwear, improve or ruin our hairstyle, co-star in a hilarious Buster Keaton comedy bit and all us to hang glide better.

9/11 Truth

Jake:  Public Enemy once claimed that “9-11 is a Joke.”  Chuck D was rapping about the telephone number not answering the calls for help of black citizens, but he may as well have been claiming that 9/11 is a conspiracy.  Chuck D is a 9/11 truther.  I am not, though I do enjoy some of Public Enemy’s songs.

I believe that the attacks of September 11, 2001, were what the government told us.  A bunch of arabs driving some planes into buildings that represented American excess and commerce.  George W. Bush knowing about the attacks while reading a story to grade schoolers and not doing anything is consistent with his run as president.  He was terrible.  I hate him.  I also hate 9/11 truthers, but not with as much vigor.

Is cynicism healthy?  I’m not sure.  I think it’s okay to question things in the world, but you can do that without turning into Daria.  Why spend all of your energy questioning everything?  It has to be exhausting.  It is hard enough for me to question the motives of Vince Russo during late period WCW.  I cannot imagine how much energy and anger is burnt by 9/11 truthers and birthers.

Sarah:  Well, we could accept the facts our government tells us about the horrific events of 9/11 or we could join a conspiracy theorist and believe our government was responsible for everything. For example: The government did it. They killed everyone so they could go to war with the people’s support! Where’s the rest of the plane that hit the PENTAGON, HUH?! The flight attendants were in on it, too! Bush told all the attendants this was the best way to get back at a nagging public who didn’t respect no carry-on guidelines!!! All those flight attendants are not even dead!! They are living on an island like on LOST!

I’m tired. The only true thing I know about 9/11 is that I was in freshman band class that morning. I was cleaning out the spit from my clarinet when Principal McCormick came on the morning announcements to tell us about planes crashing into buildings. Back then, I felt a connection to the events because I had eaten dinner the year before at a restaurant on one of the top floors of the WTC. Now, I feel a connection to the events whenever I see 9:11 on a clock or read about foreign policy. I quit band after freshman year. Clarinet sucks and THAT is the truth!!!!

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Our Take with Sarah and Jake (Soy Milk and Twitter Followers)

By Sarah and Jake


In Our Take with Sarah and Jake, we will be giving our meandering opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Papa Shango's evil goo. We're like Jay Leno, without the hilarious newspaper headlines.

Soy Milk
Jake: A lot of people claim that soy milk raises your estrogen levels and causes cancer.  Is this true?  The Weston A. Price Foundation believes that it is, and that is the only place telling you so.  They are a pro-meat, pro-milk foundation, and they probably drink the blood of children--but that last one is just conjecture.  It is probably as true, if not more true, than soy being bad for you.

That being said, soy milk is pretty gross.  It has a chalky taste that I find pretty unpleasant.  It is okay in mashed potatoes, but not great.  It does a pretty poor job of making pudding, due to its fat content.  I do not drink soy milk.  I do not drink cow’s milk.  I am probably lactose intolerant.  When I drink milk or eat iced cream, I get a stomach ache and get pretty bad gas.  Instead I drink and use almond milk.

Almonds are great in nut form and pretty good as milk, too.  Chocolate almond milk is very delicious.  It isn’t chalky like soy milk and doesn’t make me feel like Baron Von Raschke has my stomach in the deadly claw hold.  Fuck soy milk.  Almond milk is the way to go.  Other soy products: tofu, edamame and soy hotdogs are pretty great.

Sarah:  Soy milk is the milk Satan serves to the newest members of Hell as a form of hazing. I think it is gross. However, I think it is good for you. I think it’s a fun alternative for people who are Lactose Intolerant or don’t like the mucus they get from drinking a lot of cow’s milk. Soy milk does have a weird taste and grainy aftertaste. I could never eat cereal with soy milk because it would be like eating peanut butter and jelly with whole pecans instead of peanut butter - annoying and stupid. Maybe whole pecans mesh well with jelly, but I don’t think they would.

I find that a good alternative to cow’s milk is coconut milk. I can’t really stand the taste of almond milk. It makes me thirstier and never seems to actually get cold. Coconut milk tastes awesome and is great with granola. But do not - I repeat, DO NOT - try to use coconut milk on a cereal like Lucky Charms. You will be very mad.

Twitter Followers
Sarah (@Saashleyy): Jake and I do have a lot of Twitter followers. However, I feel that Jake has earned his more nobly. Most of mine follow me because I am friends with some famous people. I am famous by association - tweens and milfs follow me and @ me and retweet me. This is neither here nor there, good nor bad. Like tweens and milfs, it just is what it is. Twitter followers used to make me feel guilty - I would feel guilty if someone followed me who I didn’t want to follow back. For a while I just followed anyone who followed me. When all the tweens and milfs started following me, I had to stop being nice and realized that all I wanted to see in my Twitter feed was comedians, news, and pics of my dog uploaded by my sister. I did not want to see updates about boyz, homework, or Skinny Girl Margarita.

Twitter is super personal (you can follow famous people’s thoughts) and also really impersonal (if you have zero followers, only the internet hears your tweets). I don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t want to follow me. But you should follow me! @Saashleyy

Jake (@jakefm):  Out of all of the One Year in Texans, Sarah and I have the most followers.  Of course, I have more followers (nearly three times more).  Following people on Twitter is just as important as the followers and is a great way to gain followers.  Not quality followers, mind you, but followers nevertheless.  I rarely get retweeted, unless it’s by Bryan (@bryanrh), Ryan (@rwoodsmall) or Glenn (@glenn_ebooks).  I also get tweeted by people who like country music because there’s a DJ named JakeFM (my twitter handle is @jakefm).
I love Twitter.  It’s a great place to shit out short jokes that pop into your mind.  I have a problem with writing jokes down when they come to me, so it’s nice to have a toilet to defecate them into.  Plus, you can tweet offensive things to celebrities and brands (which Ryan does superbly).  If used correctly, Twitter can be a fantastic tool in a comedians bag, or it can be merely a vapid, moronic list of things you have done in a day.  The power of Twitter is in your hands, what you choose to do with it is the ultimate test.

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Our Take with Sarah and Jake (Gay Marriage and Orange Juice)

By Sarah and Jake

In Our Take with Sarah and Jake, we will be giving our professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to the untimely death of Chris Benoit (RIP). We're just like the ladies of "The Talk," but with less sex appeal.

Gay Marriage

 Jake:  There is an amendment in North Carolina right now that makes it so that the only legal union recognized by the state would be between a man and a woman, it is called Amendment 1.  WWE wrestler CM Punk got into a little trouble last week for telling a fan to kill himself because they said that homosexual make them sick.  This is a controversial topic.


The only true reasons you would oppose gay marriage is because 1) you are religious 2) it makes you “sick” to think about yourself or others performing gay acts on each other 3) you are a biggot.  The last one applies to the first two, of course.  Living in a “free” country where homosexuals are not allowed to marry is sort of like attending a Judy Tenuta concert where she refuses to play her accordion--it is unjustifiable.


Homosexuals pay taxes, so why do they not have the same rights as heterosexuals?  Because it is “gross?”  I think praying to a God is gross, but I hardly think religious nuts should not have the same rights as sane people.  Right wing people are stupid and the gay marriage issue is further proof.  Everybody should be equally free in this dumb country, or we should at least stop saying “it’s a free country” every time we ask somebody to quit singing on a crowded train.


Sarah:  
Gay marriage is beautiful and awesome! Why? Because it’s another celebration of people in love who want to be bound together by law and recognized as such. Isn’t it nice when two people fall in love and want to spend their lives together?! Isn’t that a nice break from all the terrible other things going on in the world! Weddings are seriously the best parties because everyone looks fantastic and there’s booze and food and love and everyone is high on life because there’s this electric aura of possibility in the air. Maybe that’s a romanticized version of weddings, but I don’t care! It’s just the dumbest when people are against gay marriage. It literally makes no sense. LIGHTEN UP.


If the argument against gay marriage is that it destroys the sanctity of marriage, I got news for ya: marriage isn’t that sacred unless you make it sacred. By that I mean, it’s up to the two married people to make the marriage sacred. There can be 1 zillion laws decreeing marriage as a sacred union and forbidding deviation from its rigid rules, but humans are not perfect. We cheat and steal and lie about it and fall out of love for no real reason. Marriage is no picnic, but if it was, everyone should be able to bring a dish and sit on the blanket.



Orange Juice

Sarah:

I love orange juice! I’m really into it right now. For a long time, I didn’t care about it. But presently I can’t get enough! It’s refreshing and the best drink in the morning - especially orange juice with pulp. I know pulp is a very polarizing thing for humanity, like cilantro and abortion. But I find it delicious and makes good orange juice great because then I feel like I’m getting a most natural version of it. 


Also, let’s take a moment to appreciate the mimosa. Without orange juice, this incredibly refreshing and deliciously intoxicating brunch bev could not exist. It’s served in a fancy glass (aren’t all beverages better served in a fancy glass?) and makes any ordinary breakfast into an extraordinary event. Thank you ORANGE JUICE FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE! 


I will drink orange juice for the rest of my life, and hopefully one day be rich enough to buy the fresh squeezed stuff or have the luxury of time in the morning to squeeze it fresh myself.


Jake:  I know people often see me as an anti-orange juice propagandist, and with fair reason: I am not a huge fan.  I do not dislike orange juice, but rather am more indifferent toward it.  Orange juice has a high acidity content and can, at times, make my stomach feel like it has gonorrhea.  I’m sorry to paint that word picture, but it was necessary to paint.  I do not want to pigeon-holed as anti-orange juice or in terms of the sexual act.


Orange juice is a very healthy drink.  If you have the stomach to handle it, then why not indulge in the beverage.  You can also use it in cooking some Chinese sauces, which adds a nice citrusy zing to an otherwise boring dish of bok choy, kale and tofu.  I will sometimes purchase a carton of orange juice, but it lasts too long in our fridge (I live with my wife, who I am counting as part of the “our” in that statement).  It seems like a waste of money to me, but for you, loyal reader, I insist that you drink it daily.

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Our Take with Jake and Ezekiel: 50 Cent and Voting

By Ezekiel and Jake 

In Our Take with Ezekiel and Jake, we will be giving our semi-professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Courtney Thorne-Smith's performance on "According to Jim." We're just like the ladies of "The View," but with less self-loathing.

Issue # 1: 50 Cent
Ezekiel: I was hanging out with a few friends, eating TGIF's® microwaveable mozzarella sticks and drinking Dr. Pepper. It was past 12am on a Friday, so obv we were chatting with boys on AIM and watching late-night MTV. Nothing out of the ordinary. When, boom, there he was on the screen, descending from the heavens, shirtless with a white sweat band -- the man, the myth, the legend -- the dude with ridiculously small tank tops and an even smaller penis: 50 Cent. And thus sparked a short love affair. My favorite song was "21 Questions," which has really stood the test of time. Inquiries like "If I ain't rap because I flipped burgers at Burger King, would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feeling me?" are even more relevant today than they were in 2003. He fell off my radar later that year (Chingy, anyone?), so I'm not sure what he's up to now. I do follow him on Twitter, where he spends a lot of time talking about masturbation and claiming he's not homophobic. He was also kind enough to advise us girls to perform fellatio when we're menstruating so that our boyfriends don't dump us. Thanks for the heads-up, 50!

Jake: 50 Cent was once a popular rapper, releasing a 'classic' album, "Get Rich or Die Trying." His fame has suffered due to trying to present himself as too much of a villain or asshole with no letting up from that persona. Or maybe people just do not want to hear crack raps in 2010.

Personally, I kind of like him. His second Aftermath album, "The Massacre," is mostly really good, barring "Candy Shop," which is a really awful song. Pretty much any Aftermath album is going to have a few truly terrible radio singles, and 50's albums are the worst when it comes to that.

Very recently, 50 Cent released a song with Soulja Boy called "Mean Mug," and it's actually pretty great.



Issue # 2: Voting

Ezekiel: You should vote -- and no, not just so you "have a right to complain." You should vote so you're not, um, how do I say this? A total asshole? Not that assholes don't vote, too: if there's anything we learned from Tuesday, it's that assholes vote. A lot. For other assholes. But at least they made an effort! Young ppl, listen: you are not "too busy." I promise you that the Willow Smith mash-up vid will still be there in 30 mins. And both candidates suck? Corporate sell-outs, pandering pricks, the giant douche vs. turd sandwich, etc.? "Neither party speaks to me." Okay, fair enough, but I guarantee you that one comes closer to it than the other. Stop embarrassing us! You're like the moms who blasted Sheryl Crow in the carpool line. Please get your shit together in time for 2012.

Jake: Ugh, this is definitely something I do not want to address on this site. I am probably the only non-voter on One Year in Texas, and there are probably very few non-voters reading this site. Hell, there are probably very few people reading this site period. Why don't I vote? It goes back to reading too many anarchist philosophy books. My feeling is, why should I have to elect my oppressors? I would rather actually be free, and not have to choose people to limit my freedoms.

I do not have voter apathy, but I do hate politics. I find following politics to be utterly boring and pretty disgusting. I hate watching people speaking on things they obviously do not believe in just to pander to voters for reelection. It ruins the process (which I hate to begin with). You are supposed to vote for who you agree with on the issues, but politicians are just lying about their true beliefs to get elected.

Can one vote make a difference? Sure, if the difference you're talking about is getting somebody elected. I think if nobody voted it would send a much bigger message than if everybody voted. It would say, you are not giving us credible candidates and the system is fucked. I would vote for gay marriages or legalizing pot, though.

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