Debate: Wrapping Paper

By Mary & Jake 

Wrapping gifts in a festively colored paper has become as controversial as denying the Holocaust. Wikipedia estimates that Americans create four million tons of wrapping paper and present bag waste during the holiday season. Many Americans cite the fact that there was never an episode of Captain Planet urging us to not wrap our gifts as a reason to continue with this tradition; other Americans reason that it is simply pretty, so why bother stopping. This debate will definitively put an end to this nonsense.

Mary: I can't imagine a Christmas without perfectly wrapped gifts under the decorated evergreen; this is because it wouldn't be Christmas, but instead the fascistically-orchestrated ticking timebomb of its death and the death of humanity. If you're not going to wrap your presents with wrapping paper, you might as well throw the glad tidings out the window and not even decorate the tree, but instead just buy one with pre-attached ornaments. Nevermind that you can get wrapping paper in all kinds of colors and patterns and add ribbons and bows to make it your own. Putting Christmas presents - or any present, really - in bags, instead of concealing it with wrapping paper, is what's wrong with the direction of our country. More and more, people mistakenly opt for the ease and convenience of the Gift Bag, depriving the rest of us from the joy of ripping the paper to shreds to find out what's inside. It takes time, but the wrapping paper is a part of the present, an added touch that shows that you actually care about the person you're giving a gift to, or at least acknowledging their existence. Gift bags are not only the worst thing to happen to Christmas since the aluminum tree, but indicative of the mass culture that has made us increasingly dependent on instant gratification, fast food, and 24-hour news, all the while resulting in wage slavery of our fellow humankind and death by 5 hour energy overdoses.

Jake: It is bad enough to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but to do so by giving presents to each other and not to the "man of the hour" is straight up despicable. Then, as if that weren't enough, you must wrap these presents in festive paper called "wrapping paper" or place it in some sort of bag. I don't know about you, but I kind of like this planet. I appreciate its resources like a pretentious middle class woman or Frasier appreciates a bottle of wine. The Earth is where I sleep. You do not use your blankets to wrap gifts in honor of some made up savior, so I do not see why we should do it with processed trees. Trees are the Earth's blankets. We should not have any packaging in the first place. To wrap something that is already over-packaged is overkill. I know a thing or two about overkill, since I recently wrote a research paper on Gary Ridgway for fun. I say, instead of wrapping presents in paper, we should just hold them behind our backs and then quickly hand it to our loved ones.

Mary: Even worse than a gift bag is just holding a present behind your back. My older brother once did that to me instead of wrapping the present because he hates me. Growing up, I loved to sit by the tree every December and shake the presents marked with my name and guess what's inside. Like Jake, I also like the Earth and make eco-conscious sacrifices, like showering only every other day, but to not wrap the gift is a statement against the person you're giving the gift to. Why would anyone go through the trouble to drive - or in my case ride my bike - across town in the cold weather during the darkest days of the year to a mall crowded with frenzied shoppers, stand in line, spend money on a gift, and risk your life as SUV's quarrel over parking spots and not put in the meager amount of effort to wrap the present? This is insanity and while many people suffer from it, any reasonable person knows better than to not wrap their Christmas gifts. If I wanted to maximize my environmental sustainability impact on the Earth, I would have to kill myself. I like the Earth just fine and I also like some of the people who live on it, which is why I give them presents wrapped in paper for the holidays. Gift wrapping shows you care about your neighbor, and we all know it takes a village.

Jake: The present is the "meat" of the deal and the wrapping paper is like the parchment paper in which deli meat is often wrapped. I don't eat meat, but my point still stands. If the deli did not give you the parchment paper would the meat taste any less delicious? I am no food scientist, but I would still have to lean toward 'no.' If a person goes to a mall to get you a gift, then that person clearly loves you. Malls are the butthole of the consumerist anatomy, and wholesale warehouses are the vagina. Wrapping paper is nothing but dental dam and it should not figure into the equation. If you really trusted the person then you would not worry about the protection. Wrapping paper and dental dams should be relegated to clubs and public restrooms, where most anonymous sex and gift giving happen. Let us give unwrapped presents and have unprotected oral sex like God intended.

Mary: I've never seen nor heard of wrapping paper use in a public restroom or club, but if I ate meat and went to the deli and the butcher held the meat behind his or her back and then quickly handed it over, it'd be somewhat off-putting. On the other hand, I might convert to omnivorism if meat was wrapped in colored paper with ribbons and bows to decorate it. What would shaved roasted turkey be if it came on a plate instead of parchment paper? Something worse than turkey that comes wrapped in parchment paper. That is why gift-wrapping is so great. If you're too busy to wrap your presents, you can donate to Glenn's favorite charity - The Salvation Army - and have them wrap all the presents for you at their local annual present-wrapping event, but the fact of the matter is that gift wrapping is the only thing we have left to resist the over commercialization of Christmas. It is a sentimental gesture that says the true meaning of "Christmas" as much as the star on the top of the tree.

Jake: When I read that you said wrapping paper is the only thing keeping Christmas from being over commercialized, I imagined you stepping into a bear trap. And when you screamed for help, I just stood over you laughing hysterically. Wrapping paper might conveniently hide brand names on occasion, but once you tear it apart like a velociraptor tearing into a succulent calf, the innards are displayed for all to see and covet. I don't even really care about the over commercialization of Christmas. I don't give a shit about Jesus and we live in a capitalist society. I do like presents. I like receiving them more than giving them, but I still like giving them. Wrapping paper is just a waste of our nation's greatest resource: trees. Christmas trees are also a waste of trees, but that is not the point to this debate, unfortunately. Let us have a treeless Christmas this year and copious amounts of unprotected oral sex.





  2. ...I always thought the consumerist anatomy to be a male one. Perhaps it's a hermaphrodite. A very confused hermaphrodite on a constant journey to discover itself. That would actually explain a few things. Still, that's neither here or there. Dental dams should always be used when venturing into an unknown woman in a mall bathroom. Dental dams. Live it. Feel it. Don't breathe through it though - almost gagged on one doing that.

    Thus, by obvious extension, meat wrappers should be used at all times because that mystery woman may have had her way with the meat. Ergo, always wrap your presents. Mary wins. I think.

  3. IMO, you both missed the true spirit of present wrapping: avoiding societal banishment.

    There is a large contigent of insane sheeple that must follow a sacred pattern because the calendar rotates to a certain date each year. These are sheeple that start acknowledging the depressing crucified man was once a cute baby. They then start hanging electrical wire and shards of glass on an indoor tree.

    The penalty for violating tradition is severe. This is WAR! They will banish any heretics. You will buy your grandmother that sweater or you will burn.

    On the other hand, it's less effort to just wrap the damn gifts. If anything, you can profit from being one with the sheeple.

    I once wrapped a present in most elegant wrapping paper and topped it off with a beautiful bow. Gave this to a friend and watched him excitedly tear the beautiful wrapping to shreds. Watch him open it. What's inside? What's inside?????

    I won't tell...but his expression of shock was completely worth it.

  4. That comment has a cliffhanger, and I'm on the edge of my seat.

  5. Unfortunately, the thread was cancelled due to the author being an asshole. It's a travesty. Nobody will ever know what was in the box, even though it was obviously a dildo.

    Happy Festivus.

  6. I thought it might have been a severed human head like in the classic Christmas movie, Se7en.

  7. It's a film that the entire family can enjoy on the Lord's Birthday. And I'm 90% sure it wasn't a severed human head.

  8. This debate is really good! I feel like Mary and I have unfinished business pertaining to Christmas trees.

    My most ridiculous line in this (and there are quite a few, especially the way I structure my points): "I don't give a shit about Jesus and we live in a capitalist society."

  9. Mary's funniest line, to me: "What would shaved roasted turkey be if it came on a plate instead of parchment paper? Something worse than turkey that comes wrapped in parchment paper."

  10. I love this debate, even though 'fascistically' isn't a real world.


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