A Letter to David Spade and Ken Jeong

Dear David Spade and Ken Jeong,

I understand, guys. I really do. You want to make a quick buck. Mr. Spade, your career is perhaps in the place where you feel like you can get away with being a spokesperson for a soft drink. Mr. Jeong, your career has taken off and maybe you want to squeeze every cent out of it that you can as quickly as you can. I probably would, too. It makes perfect sense to me. Yet, as comedians, you two are supposed to be the ones who can really tell it like it is, so to speak. How can you do that when you are being paid to shill junk food to an already overweight nation or intestinal medicine to a nation that just got out of rehab for an addiction to it?

David Spade, you are a father/douche bag. I would not expect anything less than this from you. Yet, I still find it disgusting. Although, if it keeps you from doing a Jeff Foxworthy impression, then I'm not wholly against it. I really don't think you need the money. You have been in a bunch of awful movies and television shows. The mother of your baby was a Playboy Playmate. I figure she has some money, too. I do not think your child--who is likely to be an ultra douche--is going to want for much in this world. Well, maybe he'll want less douchey parents.

Spade, nobody thinks you have any integrity. At this point, I doubt many feel as if Ken Jeong has any. For the latter, this is because of these commercials. You are a regular on a TV program (Community) and were a part of one of the biggest comedies in the last 10 years (The Hangover). Your star is on the rise, unlike David Spade's. Spade probably has the amount of fame he can hope for in the remaining years of his career. Ken Jeong seemingly has a bright future ahead of him. Can doing commercials for whatever is offered harm his career? I would say yes. Maybe a producer wouldn't want the Pepto Bismol guy in their film.

Now, I do not find either of you particularly funny. David Spade, I find you about as likable as an internment camp guard. Ken Jeong, I like the show Community quite a bit. It is one of the funniest programs on television. If you left the show, I would not even wince. You figure into the plot less than Kimmy Gibbler did into that of Full House. And she was debatably funnier than you. I am not even saying that out of spite. She is just a very funny person.

Finally, I would like to say something about advertisements. I understand that they are necessary and they are how a television show pays the bills. I am fully aware that celebrities used to perform the commercials live during the program. I get that argument. It is a different day and we all have to "get with the times." I did this by getting the polio vaccine and I think it you could similarly leave commercials to struggling actors and poor animators.

Ken Jeong, this letter should be a wake-up call for you. You are being lumped together with David Spade. You do not want to be the next David Spade.

Jacob F. Merch


  1. I like the term 'intestinal medicide' whether intended or not! This made me feel like reading a letter written to the moon!! I'm not sure why, I've just been thinking about the moon this morning!!!

  2. That was not on purpose. Maybe somebody ought to write a letter to the moon. I don't know who would deliver it, though.

  3. I never wrote a letter to the moon, but I did spend about half-an-hour drunkenly ranting toward it.

    I don't think comedians should be obligated to tell it like it is. To be a comedian means to be a whore that services laughter instead of sex. For many people, hearing the current situation reiterated isn't that way. It's sometimes dumb redneck jokes. Or props. Or hitting themselves on stage. Or yelling really loudly. Or, my favorite, playing the piano while making very bizarre statements.

    I will, however, begrudge them if the commercials are lame...like the ones produced by Ken Jeong and David Spade.

  4. It's about time someone said what everyone on the internet has been thinking: why is Ken Jeong doing those commercials? And why haven't David Spade and Chris Farley done another buddy comedy?

  5. Someone needs to have a sit-down with Glenn about Chris Farley. This letter needed to be written. Many letters need to be written. I would like to see more letters advising the beyond-advisable (that was mostly directed @ david spade).