Snowgate 2K11

By Jake 

On February 1st, 2011, we began to witness what experts have dubbed “The Snowpocalypse.” This is a play on the word “apocalypse,” which means the end of the world. Supposedly, we are now witnessing the end of the world via snow. Personally, I prefer to call it “Snowgate 2011,” which is a play on the Watergate scandal that saw one of our most popular presidents fall from grace when he was caught bugging a hotel room in the Watergate hotel.

What we are dealing with in the Midwest and the Northeast currently is actually nothing more than a standard blizzard. You know, the kind we have every year. Yes, we have gotten what I would call a shitload of snow. I spent yesterday watching Pee-wee’s Playhouse DVDs.

The days preceding this blizzard, I was asked several times if I had enough or told to stock up on food. While it is nice that some people care enough about me and my food situation, I feel like they have blizzard dysmorphia. This blizzard will be over in two days and I will be able to get food. I only need to eat three meals a day. That being said, I do wish I had some bananas. [Update: I got bananas today.]

What is the best thing to do in a snow storm? I would have to say it would be looking up news about Charlie Sheen. He is the most entertaining man in America at the moment. It’s easier not to hate him than a person like Mel Gibson or Pol Pot. Charlie Sheen probably hasn’t killed very many people and he’s a hopeless drug addict like many of us. The best thing I heard about Charlie Sheen, besides asking porn star Kasey Jordan to babysit his children, is that he wants to start a porn house. From what I understand, it is somewhat like the television program Big Brother, only instead of eliminating people they fuck and do cocaine all day.

The best intellectual thing to do during a snow storm? Mad Libs. Those are hilarious, am I right?

The worst thing to do in a snow storm? Camping and snorting bath salts. Can you imagine the people who snort bath salts? How hard up are people for drugs? There’s plenty of legal drugs to do like booze, synthetic marijuana and the nitrous gas from whipped cream cans. If you have done bath salts, please comment and tell us what your experience was like.

Today, Kaleena and I spent an hour shoveling our drive way. An entire hour. Our drive way/parking lot is very long. At the very end, our neighbors came over and used their snow blower, but we had already shoveled enough to get our car out. C’est la vie, right?


  1. Reading this blog post was like doing bath salts! Thanks Jake, now I don't have to go out in this blizzard to find a way to make my nose bleed.

  2. I would have probably backed off of posting this article, but I want credit for coining the term "blizzard dysmorphia." I took all of the pictures used here, too.