Debate: Does God Exist?

By Jake & Glenn 

One Year and Texas has become famous for tackling controversial and intriguing topics for our debates. Whether it's about watching Poison Ivy 2 or sexting, we have never shied away from a subject. We are here to tear into and definitively answer a question that has been on the mind of every agnostic in the world: does God exist? Glenn and I have been investigating this subject our entire lives: accepting first communion, going undercover at confirmation camp, arguing with our parents about going to church and eating as many host wafers as our bloated tummies could hold. This is the culmination of our life's work and research.

Jake: God does exist. If he didn't then why would most of the world believe in him? Why would there be so many books written on him? The Crusades would have happened for naught. All of my prayers would have gone unanswered--but they didn't. I pray every night, as I have mentioned numerous times on this blog and my other blog ( About 75% of my prayers are answered. The ones that aren't usually are pretty crazy, like making enough money to buy a Wii or winning an ebay auction for a lot of 25 Archie Double Digests. Those things just aren't going to happen, and even divine intervention can't make it so. If God didn't exist, we wouldn't exist. We are made in his image, right? So we would be made in nobody's image and would never have existed in the first place. Even science can't disprove that!

Glenn: I could buy you 25 Archie Double Digests right now - and would - if you weren't trying to advocate for a god. I don't want to reward that kind of irresponsible thought behavior. Anyone who knows me (and no one truly does) will know that I live my life based on a belief that there is no god. If we had this debate in 1990, I'd be arguing that there was a god, hell exists and we can contain the devil's agent on Earth, Saddam Hussein. The US military and its allies repelled Iraq's invasion of Kuwait, and my increasingly wider view of the world repelled the idea someone was watching me every minute of the day. This is a truly unnerving thought: that god exists, knows everything and can see everything. That means god was there when you won your spelling bee or lost your virginity, but he was also there when you laughed at an episode of Family Matters and were molested by a Catholic priest. There are many reasons god does not and could not exist and I will share more as you read on.

Jake: I feel so sorry for you and will pray for you tonight. To not have God in your heart must be lonely. I am never alone, because God is everywhere, even in the dressing room in the Goodwill and he knows who died in the clothes you are trying on. God is there with you when your submarine stops working and you suffocate while clawing at the sides. He can't help you, of course, because that's not part of the rules. Him just being there is enough. They saying goes "God is my co-pilot," right? And that is true, but unlike a real co-pilot, he can't take over when you pass out from drinking way too much. He just lets you sleep, and when you wake up he watches you try to beat your hangover with Gatorade. He knows it isn't going to work, but he doesn't stop you. But that's God, you know. He's just there. When you die you get to meet him and live in his kingdom as one of his subjects.

Glenn: There are several reasons I am lonely, but not believing in god is pretty far down that list. Anyway this debate isn't about "believing" in god because believing is subjective and existence is objective. People believe in plenty of things that aren't real and/or are destructive: democracy, the institution of marriage and body modification. We can do a simple test to see if god truly exists. We can google the phrase. Having done so, I am led to Dandy Designs dot org, which makes this argument: "Wood has anti-bacterial properties that are not found in any man-made material. It appears that the Designer of wood knew what he was doing." If that is the best proof for god's existence, this debate might as well be over now. Wood comes from trees, which come from the ground, which is above hell, which is where the devil lives. So unless you're willing to reject Satan as well as god, there's no way either one can actually exist.

Jake: First of all, you are bringing in outside points into this debate, which is against the rules we have laid out. God has nothing to do with wood, other than creating the trees. If you believe in God, then God exists. So in a way, we are both right. Although, when you are in eternal blackness and I am hanging out with Jesus and Lou Costello in Heaven, I think I will be more right than you. Remember when Papa Shango, the voodoo master was in WWF in the 90s? His voodoo would only effect you if you believed in it, which is why the Ultimate Warrior would throw up and have green ink oozing from his scalp. Ultimate Warrior believe in voodoo and thus it was real. Those who believe in God, make God real. Those who do not believe in God do not make got not exist, he simply does not exist for them. I do not believe in voodoo and I have never had green ink ooze from my scalp. That does not mean voodoo does not exist. It existed for the Ultimate Warrior.

Glenn: This is a very philosophical question, but I did not major in philosophy in college. I wanted a job so I triple majored in sociology, theology and women's sports. My theological background taught me to take assertions about voodoo and wood with a grain of salt, no pun intended. I don't believe either are real. My sociological background taught me to look in society for the answers to questions like "Does God Exist?" or "What Is The Best Race?" If you look to society it's pretty obvious that people decided they want a god because they're scared of what happens when they die. Every society has decided to look beyond our natural world to answer this question, and others. I'm scared what will happen to me after I die too. Not because I think I'll go to hell or be reincarnated into a pair of headphones, but because I know I'll die while in a hot air balloon and my corpse will be riding around this great planet for all eternity (or until it runs out of helium). There are objective truths. Zeus does not exist. Sasquatch does not exist. God does not exist. Ghosts do. I believe in ghosts, which is why I love watching the pottery wheel scene in Ghost and why I watch all of the ghost shows on Discovery Channel. If they do a show about god on Discovery Channel then I will believe in it. Until that point, let's focus on all the gods we have among us, like David Koresh.


  1. thanks for the shout-out, glenn! i was a philosophy major and i don't have a job! well, i don't have a real one, anyway, although one time i had a job, but it served mostly as a glacier that scraped away at my creativity, intellect, and free will as it lurched along its course and, upon its departure (aka an episode of unemployment), all that remained was a brain that played nothing but existential crises on loop.

  2. This is probably my favorite post you've done. Mega kudos.

  3. Wait a minute... Is Mary really David Koresh?!? This was terrific, and I now believe in voodoo, The Ultimate Warrior, and the anti-bacterial properties in wood!!

  4. Just belive in everything to be safe.

  5. The existence of god is too unlikely. Plus people still write off most religions and superstitions from humanity's past as not worthwhile - I just include the current ones as well.

  6. I believe in ghosts too! And Aliens. And X-Files: I Want to Believe.


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