I'm sorry Oscars

By Glenn

This is the latest installment of our series where I apologize to awards shows. More people watch the Academy Awards than the Grammys or "Grammies" (World's Best Grandma Awards) and this year, like every year, I was one of them. I wanted to see if they would live up to the predictions Jake and I made about Best Picture and to assuage my guilt for not seeing The King's Speech or standing up to Nazism.

I'm actually apologizing to the Oscars this year for expecting too much out of them, not being pleasantly surprised. I love movies, to which anyone who has ever seen my stolen VHS tape collection can attest. I usually love the Oscars because they reward movies I saw and liked, or movies I didn't see but know I would like. Most importantly, the telecast of the Oscars is supposed to make those of us outside of Hollywood remember why we like the film industry and what films are important to us. That's what I expect, and I'm sorry to say this year it didn't happen.

To start with, the hosts were awful. I find Anne Hathaway beautiful and remember her from such films as Rachel Getting Married or the more challenging Princess Diaries. I am ambivalent about James Franco, but he was a terrible foil to her. He stood there like a moron glaring at the camera while she overcompensated with excitement about Best Editing. People who love smoking pot pointed out he might have been "baked." If he was, that is illegal (even still, in California) unprofessional and kind of lame, but it is not wrong.

I'm sorry that the Oscars took away the thing I liked from a previous show: previous award winners talking to each nominee from the stage about how great they are and why they're nominated. This was so cool! I guess I'm also sorry I didn't value it at the time. Imagine Cuba Gooding Jr. standing on stage telling James Franco that he was great but should have screamed "Show Me the Money!" when he cut his arm off. Or Sandra Bullock driving a bus at 50 mph while talking about how good Natalie Portman was in Black Swan. Bullock actually did present an award, but I don't remember what it was for.

I don't remember much about this telecast.

There was nothing exciting about it.

Aaron Sorkin won Best Adapted Screenplay, which made me happy. I really liked the show Sports Night and the Social Network was one of the three best big budget movies about Facebook last year. Other than that, everything went off EXACTLY as predicted. Inception for Best Dream Movie. King's Speech for Best Original Screenplay. King's Speech for Best Actor, Director and Picture. I didn't see King's Speech, even though I got Lasik surgery in preparation.

What made the most upset were the actress categories. Melissa Leo won Supporting for the Fighter. I didn't see it, but I know it isn't about professional wrestling - the only kind of fighting I value. I wanted Hailee Steinfeld to win for True Grit. She is only a teenager and did a great job! Another teenager who should have won is Jennifer Lawrence from Winter's Bone. Natalie Portman was very good in Black Swan, but I think she had a genetic advantage to playing a half human/half swan. If Lawrence and Steinfeld had been rewarded for their work the show would have been exciting. Imagine their acceptance speeches! Instead I was just counting the minutes until my death's or Kirk Douglas's, whichever came first (his).

I'm sorry Oscars that I made the mistake of expecting so much out of you. I won't make that same mistake next year.

I'm also sorry to the King's Speech because I haven't seen you. If I make the decision to do so, it better be worth it.

I'm very sorry Blue Valentine didn't get more recognition. It was a wonderful film that spoke to relationship strife we've all experienced.

Finally I'm sorry to the readers for getting my predictions wrong. Toy Story 3 didn't win, even though it was a great family movie. Hopefully a different family film will win next year instead.


  1. Toy Story 3 was robbed. It and Machete were the only movie from 2010 I saw and neither won. Machete wasn't even nominated, which is ludicrous. It should have at least been nominated, if not have won, best topless threeway with Lindsay Lohan and her mother character. Instead, they didn't even give out that award! Fuck you, the Oscars.

  2. Yea! F Melissa Leo!! WTG on getting an extra Jerry Maguire reference~~~!

  3. Wait, I just saw the Fighter and ML/CB were actually really good. Now I'm sorry again!