My Number One Fear

By Jake 

As a human being, I find it necessary to occasionally use a public restroom. Also, as a member of the human race, I also have a number of ever-growing fears. The greatest of which is having a urinal spray the shallow water at me after I make use of it.

Now, I cannot remember when this fear became prevalent, but it courses through my mind every time I use a public urination station. Why does such a thing weigh so heavy on me? My theory is that pee is gross and I don't want it on me, especially foreign urine.

Over the years I have seen a great number of bad movies, many of which are sex comedies. Perhaps in one of these a man had a urinal spray piss on him. It does not seem too far-fetched. Hollywood has long been stealing my ideas and fears, the best example of both is the impending remake of Police Academy. Perhaps, the urine spraying is from Police Academy. Although, there are many outrageous scenes in that series of movies, including a man's never-ending entrance into a gay club, when he is a heterosexual. In the world in which Police Academy is set gay men are predatory and will forcefully perform intercourse on any man, sexuality not withstanding.

I have no idea how to overcome this fear. I could, I suppose, use the toilet in the men's room rather than the urinal, but that is merely avoiding the problem rather than solving it. In math class, you don't get a good grade if you avoid the problems, you get a zero and you learn nothing. So what do I do? I could douse myself in urine every day until I am used to it, but I will wreak of piss and that is a whole new problem.

I may never completely get over my fear or urine spraying out of a urinal as I flush it, but I can reduce the occurrence by using the restroom before I leave home. I already do that, because public restrooms are pretty disgusting and untrustworthy. I am not sure if this problem is severe enough to warrant going to a psychologist, and I absolutely do not have the money to do so anyway. For now I must just live with it and hope that I am never sprayed with urinal cake scented piss and water.


  1. I KNEW the Police Academy remake was your idea! Just stand a socially unacceptable distance from the urinal when you micturate!! This post helped me overcome my fear of reading articles on the internet!!! Thanks!!!!

  2. I have a fear of dropping my phone on the toilet. That led me to question why I had my phone out so often that I was using it in the bathroom. Maybe you should apply this lesson to your fear. Maybe you are using your urinary functions too often?

  3. I do urinate quite a bit. Usually it is just at home, though. I almost never have my phone out in the bathroom.

    I am going to murder Glenn for not commenting on this article.

  4. He did murder me! But then he used a urinal and my physical form was recreated through the urine stream.


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