Untertainment Weakly (3-25-11)

By Jake 

Bruce Vilanch slammed James Franco's Oscar hosting performance, saying that "The only people who know how to host those shows are people who get up onstage every night and say, 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. A funny thing happened ... ' Or people like Bette [Midler] who get up and sing all night and tell stories." I'm sure the Oscars were awful, and I think most of the blame can rest on Bruch Vilanch and his terrible writing. I mean, he sucks, right? He looks like the Muppet character Sweetums and write for Bette Middler and shitty award shows. He's just so terrible. He knew Franco and Anne Hathaway aren't comedians and then he wrote a terrible show for them. Fuck him and the Oscars. Toy Story 3 was robbed. [Update: Bruce Vilanch apologized, but still sucks so much.]

Elizabeth Taylor is dead. RIP.

Speaking of Elizabeth Taylor, she revealed to a reporter, making them promise not to reveal this information until she died: James Dean was molested by a minister. Which further proves my point--only pedophiles believe in God.

Joseph Gordon Levitt is going to play the Holiday Killer, Alberto Falcone, in The Dark Knight Rises.

Movies Out Today

Sucker Punch - Fandango describes this movie as “A traumatized young girl escapes into an imaginary world where she must steal five objects before an evil man captures her.” Sounds like a video game to me, or kind of like Scott Pilgrim. Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen) directed this, and I believe it’s his first non-comic book movie. I would guess that this movie will look like a comic book, which is not necessarily a bad thing. At least “big” movies are starting to come out. I’m not interested in this. It has a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes currently. That’s less than Mars Needs Moms, which is at least about something truthful--Mars really does need moms in the worst of ways. People are probably going to see Sucker Punch, and by people, I mean mostly teens. Does anybody else even go to the theater anymore?

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules - I’m not one to argue about Roderick ruling, I am sure not going to try to convince you to see a movie about a diary or wimpy children. This is the sequel to the hit film Diary of a Wimpy Kid 1. I assume the audience for this film is the people who saw the prequel and enjoyed it, which is probably mostly limited to children and the parents who are foolish enough to drag them to a major motion picture showing. If I had children, I would take them to a park for two hours or use them as an excuse to play with finger paints. Thankfully, I do not have children. I am not even entertaining the idea of seeing a movie about a diary. I would rather read a diary than see a film about one. This movie will probably make some money, because people who are willing to pay to see a movie like this in the theater are stupid and there are a lot of stupid people out there.

Other Thoughts
It is no real secret that I am a fan of professional wrestling, which is pretty stupid and I realize it. What I don’t understand is why in WWE or even TNA there are no big name black wrestlers. Wrestling is fake and they could easily give a black wrestler a big push instead of treating them like a special attraction. It doesn’t even make sense from a business standpoint. Black people like to see black people succeeding and every real sport is filled with big named black stars and those are real! So I am to believe that only in a fake sport and hockey that black people do not excel. Wrestling is so racist.


  1. Thank you for admitting wrestling is racist, not that you have been reluctant to ever say such a thing.

    I want to see the Dark Knight Rises!

  2. While it is fair to admit that WWE is racist, it's still as fundamentally American as apple pie, sport fucking, and tea parties.

  3. WWE is only racist toward blacks and Asians. They'll give Hispanic people the world title and put them in main events. They fire all of their black wrestlers. They're supposedly going to do a round of firing after WrestleMania and I wouldn't be surprised to see at least 2 black wrestlers get fired.

  4. This is so funny! You just got blackballed from writing for the Oscars AND the Transfiguration Awards!!


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