The Announcement

By Bub 


Intercom - "Ah... Good morning students. This is principal Pappodolomeu. Congratulations are in order for our Lady Mohawks who last night defeated the Valley View Vultures, F. Lee Bailey Buzzcocks, and the Woodrow Wilson Windshields in tennis, soccer-hockey, and field volley ball respectively.

A.P Home Economics will be taking their cumulative exam today. Students scoring three points or more will earn college credit hours to be applied to the Maid School of their choice. Let us wish them good luck.

Today for lunch, we will be having a variation on the walking taco called the 'hopping taco'. The ingredients are the same save for the taco meat is replaced with ground pizza burger and it is served in a bag of Funyuns.

Students in Mrs. Dar Quing Duk's Introductory Korean class need to get their permission slips turned in for their field trip to the Unification Church to get mass married on Sunday.

Today will be your last day to live. Enjoy your weekend, and have a happy and sun-shiny day!"

The class began to murmur.

"Did he just say today would be our last day to live?" Asked one student.

"Yea, I'm pretty sure that's what he said," another confirmed, "what does that mean?"

"Did he say something about kids getting mass married?" Asked another concerned student.

"Yea dummy," another student answered, "it's part of their curriculum. What about that other thing, though? That last day to live thing?"

"Yea, Mr. Shishkamesh, what was that?"

"Are we in danger?"

Mr. Shishkamesh gritted his teeth, then loosened and tugged at his collar. He began to sweat profusely as he looked to each terrified student in search of an answer. It seemed clear what was to happen next. He burst out sobbing.

"Oooo, hooo, hooo (sniff). I'm sorry students. I knew this day would come. Everyone put your heads down on your desks and close your eyes tighter than you've ever closed them. And for the love of God don't open them back up."

Mr. S. went to the closet and retrieved a beheading sword that he'd had imported from Oman. He then walked over to the nearest student's desk and raised the sword above his head. Still sobbing, he attempted to say 'God is great' but he was interrupted by another announcement.

"Hello students, I misspoke a few moments ago. I had said that today was your last day to live. I meant to say that today was your last day to sign up for the annual mud picnic fundraiser. Get your sign up sheets and mud donations turned in to Ms. Sleastack's room by the end of the day. Sorry for any confusion."

The students lifted their heads and opened their eyes. Mr S. let out a nervous laugh and slowly drew down his sword. The students stared at him in shock and terror, as he fidgeted and grimaced looking back at each of them for an answer. One girl began to shriek. She was joined by another. Then a few boys hollered and yelled. Then the whole class began screaming in unison, Mr. S. included. Then a gas leak in the cafeteria ignited and blew the school up, killing everyone within a half-mile radius.


  1. I fucking loved this, Bub. Hilarious.

  2. Good thing they're serving Funyuns!

  3. Haha, at least this story had a happy ending, just like the last massage I got from a hobo.