Debate: Can Astrology Predict Your Future?

By Glenn and Jake 

Astrological signs help humans form a coherent framework for the world around us. The Greek gods Scorpio, Saturn and Platypus are all represented by months out of the year. Astrology says that the time of year you were born determines your personality and compatibility with others. Is this the only true science left in a world of rising sea levels and oligarchy? The recent assassination of a Dutch filmmaker critical of Astrology - presumably committed by Richard Dawkins - forced us all to rethink Astrology and whether it is worth killing over. Jake and Glenn, two of the internet’s lesser known theologians and two of its most well known Geminis, now debate.

Glenn: The Qur’an never specifically deals with the subject of blasphemy, nor does Dianetics. The Jewish Bible, known as the Torah, states that those who speak blasphemy "shall surely be put to death.” No matter what religion you believe, there has to be a category of words, actions and deeds that are “off limits.” To speak against the Astrological signs is as blasphemous as anything my friends and I did at our church in junior high. I am a Scorpio and it defines who I am in every single way. If a woman criticized the precious crystals I use to predict the future, throwing acid on her face would be a justifiable act. Let’s see Jake argue against that.

Jake: I know of another Scorpio who would have loved to predict the future, his name is Too Cold Scorpio and he was addicted to crack cocaine throughout the 90s. If your argument hinges on astrology predicting the future, then why did a world class athlete who is named after an astrological sign not see his troubling battle with addiction lying in his path? Astrology is obviously nothing more than a bunch of mixed up stars in the sky and has nothing more to do with predicting the future or fortune telling than a cookie does. Do not get me wrong: I really enjoy constellations - although they are bullshit - and stars in general. I subscribe to Star magazine and write letters to the editors every month telling them how much I love their periodical. I simply do not think you can use stars to see into the future, but you can use a crystal ball.

Glenn: It sounds like we are in agreement on crystals, but maybe we differ on the redemptive healing powers of Astrology and the sense of community it can give people. Personally, Astrology has provided to me what the mutations provided to Wolverine in the Marvel Universe. This power, provided by the stars, has saved me from numerous roller derby injuries and post-roller derby beat downs by groups of muscular women. Additionally, Astrology has provided to me what church brings to Christians in my hometown. When I read the newspaper predictions for my life, I know that millions of others are doing the same. When I was diagnosed with children’s leukemia, the local Astrological center held a fundraiser for me and over 200 different types of crystals were donated. That’s community. That’s loyalty. That’s Astrology.

Jake: Horoscopic astrology, like everything in a newspaper, is completely made up. Even the horoscopes printed along the bottom of a Bazooka Joe comic strip, which generally has nothing to do with astrology, rarely come true. Now, astrology devotees may argue that 33% of all horoscopes come true, but that is just what we in the fortune telling business call the "magical percentage." You can predict 100 things for a person and 33 of them will always come true. It is scientific law. Astrology, much like middle school mathematics, is purely guess work. Fortune tellers are no more adept at telling the future via stars then they are via Skittles, throwing chicken bones on a tree stump or taking LSD and seeing your timeline all at once through a manipulation of timespace. If astrology could tell the future, then Osama bin Laden wouldn't be dead, Sadam Hussein would still be alive and many other great men wouldn't have fallen victim to the murderous imperialistic Americans.

Glenn: How dare you speak ill of America, Astrology or Bazooka Joe. All three have one thing in common: unfair persecution. As soon as you start calling Astrology a false religion, you’ve begun a wheelbarrow trip down a steep hill. At the bottom of the hill is a camp to “fix” all Astrologists of their “misguided beliefs.” We’ve heard language like that before - from Pol Pot in the guise of Year Zero and from Barack Obama in the guise of FEMA camps. Astrology is as true as any of the great mono- or polytheistic religions and should be treated with the same reverence. I have never said a sideways word about Islam or criticized the actions of Christians (with the lone exception of the Children’s Crusade), and I would hope Jake could avoid his own blasphemy by letting Astrology defend itself in the religious war of ideas. It’s armed with crystals and allusions to space.

Jake: Astrology is to religion as religion is to truth. While many marks believe that astrology is the best way to have their fortune told or to find the perfect mate, they are being mislead by big astrology. Big astrology has powerful lobbyists paying top dollar to your favorite politicians to insure their place in newspapers and on your iGoogle page. Our website cannot even get our mark-ass readers to comment on our articles, like the articles we post on Facebook or vote in our pointless polls. I feel that big astrology stands in the way of my personal success. In fact, I know it is, because it was in my horoscope in today’s Dispatch and Rock Island Argus.


  1. Finally! Thanks guys this was very funny and informative!! My horoscope today told me not to read any humorous online debates or I'd die!!! Now I'm dead!!!! I'm typing from beyond the grave!!!!!

  2. This was a really good debate!

    * Sent Using My Crystal iPhone via ATT

  3. hey bub where are you if you are still dead?

  4. In my dimension we never use the stars to predict the future because we know that they have all burned out by the time we see them in the sky. We use chicken bones, though, and they are much more accurate.


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