The Intergalactic Adventures of Bruno Mars: A Simple Mission

By Jake 

They say nobody can hear you scream in space. That is only true if there is nobody within listening distance. Bruno Mars stands near his best friend Dougie on the flight deck of the Atlantic, a dispatcher ship for Earth’s intergalactic military. If Bruno screamed right now, Dougie would hear it. A lot of people would.

Captain Rida approached Bruno and Dougie. He went over the mission details, but Bruno was too busy imagining himself having intercourse with a beautiful woman and Dougie has ADD so he medically cannot pay attention for too long. The captain finished briefing them and handed them a computerized tablet with the information they needed--directions, which ship they would be taking and their target, the leader of a terrorist organization hiding out on Jupiter.

Bruno handed Dougie the tablet. “Go get the ship loaded and ready, D. I got some affairs to attend to. Emphasis on ‘affairs.’” Bruno chortled as he walked away from Dougie and toward a fellow space pilot, Alicia Thomas. Dougie shrugged and began loading the ship.

“Hey, Bruno. You going on another dangerous mission?” Alicia asks.

“Is their any other kind, baby?”

“Yes, there are missions where you just transport goods to other bases. Those are not dangerous at all. There have never been any casualties on ‘em.”

“Speaking of danger and being casual, why don’t we go into a supply closet and have some sex, ‘Leesh?”

“Well, I’m on duty right now, but I guess I can take a few minutes off for a quickie.”

“That’s all I need.” And it was.
Bruno approached the ship. Dougie was waiting outside with a grin smeared across his face. “I bet I know what you were doing, Bruno.”

“Yeah, I was having sex with your mom, you idiot!” Bruno punched Dougie in the arm as hard as he could.

“Very funny. My mom isn’t in space. She died giving birth to me.”

“Enough kidding around; get in the ship. Terrorists don’t murder themselves, D.”

The ship propels them through space toward Jupiter. The vast emptiness of space still makes Bruno uneasy. Bruno plays some classic music by Tupac Shakur to take his mind off of it. Dougie reads a book about writing comic books. The ships built on Earth do not require steering any more. As long as the navigation system remains intact, getting from one place to another is relatively effortless.

The ship lands itself gracefully on Jupiter. “All right, D. It’s time to kill us a terrorist. Let me look at that tablet.” Dougie hands it to Bruno. He examines the face of their target, Armando Assano. Assano is responsible for the deaths of upwards of 500 Earthlings. This fills Bruno full of an odd mixture of rage and glee at the thought of his actions and simultaneously killing him.

Bruno grabs his laser rifle and hands Dougie a laser machine gun because he is a terrible shot. Bruno always insists Dougie accompanies him on his missions. It is against the regulations, since Dougie isn’t technically a member of the military, but a cook. Yet, Bruno is their ace soldier, so they pretty much let him do whatever he wants. Earth’s intergalactic military is not a very credible organization without Bruno.

The door of the ship pops upwards and they leap to the ground. The soil on Jupiter is very sandy. Dougie starts to complain about how difficult it is to walk, but stops when Bruno scowls at him. “D., we’re here to do a job, not bitch about walking.”

Bruno has a considerable lead over Dougie. Dougie is still having an extremely difficult time walking on the Jupiter sand. He wants to yell at Bruno to wait up, but doesn’t want to get chided again for complaining. Bruno is all business once the mission starts, before the mission he is all pleasure.

They head toward Zone 33, the sector in which the terrorist is suspected of residing. Zone 33 is the second most dangerous sector on Jupiter after Zone 9. Bruno has had previous missions years ago that took him to Zone 9, which, of course, were successful. He once had to lead a religious leader to bless some desecrated graves in Zone 9. He always described that mission as “a real motherfucker.”

Upon arriving to Zone 33, they immediately meet up with their contact, Big Dave. Big Dave has been a contact on several of Bruno’s missions. Bruno considers Big Dave by far the best out of all of the contacts with which he has worked. His information has never been incorrect and the missions often go smoothly.

Big Dave tells them where Assano is hiding out--a compound at the edge of town. Bruno and Dougie ready their weapons and head toward the compound. Dougie asks Bruno if he is nervous. Bruno replies by scowling at Dougie and then laughing. “I hope you’re not nervous, D. This is just a routine mission. We have assassinated plenty of intergalactic terrorists together. This bitch stands no chance against us, right?”

“Yeah, you’re right, Bruno. Let’s get ‘im.” Dougie is still a little nervous, though he knows he will be safe.

Bruno walks up to the front door of the compound. He always goes through the front door with his rifle blazing. That is just the Bruno Mars way. He kicks the door as hard as he can, busting the latch, the door to flying open. Bruno begins firing as he dives forward to the floor. One of his shots flies right through Assano’s temple as he is watching a movie on his tablet. Bruno immediately realizes nobody is firing back at him and gives the place a quick sweep with his eyes. Assano was alone. He stands up and waves Dougie in. They look at Assano, the hole in his temple smoking.

Bruno grabs his communicator from his belt. “Captain Rida, this is Bruno Mars. Our mission was a success. Assano has been eliminated.”

“Good work, Bruno,” says Captain Rida. “Now why don’t you and Dougie take a day to relax on Jupiter. I heard there is a great titty bar there.”

“There is, I have VIP status, captain.” Bruno and the captain share a laugh and end their communication.

“Wanna go get some beers, D.?”

“Sure, Bruno. Let’s get drunk as hell and look at some Jupiter titties.”

“Now you’re talking, D. Now you’re talking.”

The End.


  1. Jupiter is the Hammond, IN of outer space - there is one great strip club and throngs of terrorists on the lamb!! Thanks for the story Jake!

  2. Thank you for commenting and reading this, Bub. I wish our stories were more widely read than they are. Even Glenn didn't read this!

  3. Excuse me for taking my time to read it. Rome wasn't read in a day.

    This story reminded me of something that happened in Pakistan recently.

  4. You mean the Bruno Mars concert?

  5. I think you're thinking of Libya and their revolution,Glenn. Not sure if anything really newsworthy happens in Pakistan these days.