20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See The New Three Stooges Movie

By Glenn

Hey everyone!  There's a new awful movie coming out based on the popular series The Three Stooges.  For those reading this under the age of 15, Three Stooges were a collection of buffoons who hit, punched, prodded and - yes - fucked each other in outrageous situations like meeting the mummy or performing at a children's birthday party.  Since the original incarnation was so funny, a really great you-know-what decided to green light a new movie about their misadventures.  The trailer is below, along with 20 things I would rather do than see this movie.

  1. Read all 923 comments currently written on this article about ObamaCare and only respond in support to ones written by "Maroon Vee."
  2. Go on Sean Hannity's show to give the "Democratic perspective" on a story about prayer in schools.
  3. Make a literal joke during a chat conversation, such as responding to someone who says "Can I talk to you about something?" with "No, but you can type to me about something."
  4. Dismiss all of Glenn Greenwald's writing because I once thought something he said was shrill.
  5. Cut my toenails every hour.
  6. Take responsibility for organizing all of the birthday and holiday parties in my workplace.
  7. Move in with an ex-girlfriend immediately after breaking up with her.
  8. Make a New Year's resolution for 2012 that I will not quote the Qur'an during any Facebook comment threads.
  9. Move into an apartment I find on Craigslist that lists no kitchen, no overnight guests and no drama.
  10. Wear wrinkly clothes in public.
  11. Yell at someone in a car for changing the radio station when my favorite Christmas song was playing.
  12. Admit in the middle of an art discussion that I don't know what I'm talking about.
  13. Realize after making a joke about HIV that the person I am with has HIV, and has just given it to me via airborne transmission.
  14. Help storyboard a commercial for Rick Perry's presidential campaign.
  15. Watch 100 clones of Troy Davis be put to death, one by one, for a crime they might not have committed.
  16. Return to a period in our country's history where indoor smoking was allowed and encouraged.
  17. Start ignoring my conscience and act completely on impulse, reducing myself to my most base desires.
  18. Drink five cups of coffee before noon.
  19. Hurt someone that I love just to elicit a reaction.
  20. Get poked in the eyes like Moe does to Larry in the trailer.


  1. You should take this list to your therapist!

  2. But can we all agree to THANK GOD that Will Sasso is getting some work? And that he got fat again?

  3. you do 19 every fucking day you liar.

  4. If it's in 3D I would definitely consider thinking about seeing it.


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