Showing posts with label 20 things i'd rather do. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 20 things i'd rather do. Show all posts

20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See The New Three Stooges Movie

By Glenn

Hey everyone!  There's a new awful movie coming out based on the popular series The Three Stooges.  For those reading this under the age of 15, Three Stooges were a collection of buffoons who hit, punched, prodded and - yes - fucked each other in outrageous situations like meeting the mummy or performing at a children's birthday party.  Since the original incarnation was so funny, a really great you-know-what decided to green light a new movie about their misadventures.  The trailer is below, along with 20 things I would rather do than see this movie.




  1. Read all 923 comments currently written on this article about ObamaCare and only respond in support to ones written by "Maroon Vee."
  2. Go on Sean Hannity's show to give the "Democratic perspective" on a story about prayer in schools.
  3. Make a literal joke during a chat conversation, such as responding to someone who says "Can I talk to you about something?" with "No, but you can type to me about something."
  4. Dismiss all of Glenn Greenwald's writing because I once thought something he said was shrill.
  5. Cut my toenails every hour.
  6. Take responsibility for organizing all of the birthday and holiday parties in my workplace.
  7. Move in with an ex-girlfriend immediately after breaking up with her.
  8. Make a New Year's resolution for 2012 that I will not quote the Qur'an during any Facebook comment threads.
  9. Move into an apartment I find on Craigslist that lists no kitchen, no overnight guests and no drama.
  10. Wear wrinkly clothes in public.
  11. Yell at someone in a car for changing the radio station when my favorite Christmas song was playing.
  12. Admit in the middle of an art discussion that I don't know what I'm talking about.
  13. Realize after making a joke about HIV that the person I am with has HIV, and has just given it to me via airborne transmission.
  14. Help storyboard a commercial for Rick Perry's presidential campaign.
  15. Watch 100 clones of Troy Davis be put to death, one by one, for a crime they might not have committed.
  16. Return to a period in our country's history where indoor smoking was allowed and encouraged.
  17. Start ignoring my conscience and act completely on impulse, reducing myself to my most base desires.
  18. Drink five cups of coffee before noon.
  19. Hurt someone that I love just to elicit a reaction.
  20. Get poked in the eyes like Moe does to Larry in the trailer.



20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Yogi Bear 3D

By Glenn 

It's been a while since we really skewered a mainstream movie. The way we do that is by listing 20 things we'd rather do than see the movie, to illustrate just how much we don't want to see it. Usually Maddie writes these and indeed she has popularized the fad. Now everywhere there are teenage girls writing about 20 things they'd rather do than homework, or 20 things they'd rather do than communicate in proper English. But since she really wants to see the new film Yogi Bear 3D, I step in to explain why how much I don't.

Please watch the trailer, which is introduced by the human being who used to be known as Dan Aykroyd:



20 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Yogi Bear 3D:
  1. Pack up and move apartments in a major urban area every week for a year.
  2. Drive around and look for a parking spot during the New York City West Indian Parade, Puerto Rican parade or Gay Pride festival.
  3. Be a professional blogger for AIPAC.
  4. Write an academic paper discussing the movie the Expendables and what it says about military contracting.
  5. Attempt to mediate an argument between two mentally unstable homeless people.
  6. Have my alarm clock be an extremely loud, 15 minute remix of "Milkshake" by Kellis, with no snooze option.
  7. Be responsible for administering President Obama's deportation program.
  8. Lead a month-long protest against the "Ground Zero" mosque without making any appeals to bigotry.
  9. Testify against Naomi Campbell and in favor of Charles Taylor at the Hague.
  10. Watch only family movies and romantic comedies because movies for adults are "too depressing."
  11. Spend even one more minute of my time following and caring about Lost.
  12. Help my parents set up Facebook accounts.
  13. Create a Google alert for "Obama socialism."
  14. Switch to using crayons instead of pens.
  15. Clerk for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
  16. Live my life like I'm a character on Entourage (more than I already do).
  17. Stop using email or texts and only call people any time I want something.
  18. Become a full-time volunteer recruiter for the Linda McMahon for US Senate campaign.
  19. Dress in a bear suit and continue murdering people in the forests of the Northeastern United States.
  20. Live the rest of my life without the ability to use hyperbole.

20 Things I Would Rather Do Than See The Time Traveler's Wife

By Jake

The Time Traveler's Wife is a major motion picture about a love that transcends time. It also looks so sweet that I go into a diabetic coma just watching the trailer. It's based off of a book, which reading is something I'd rather not do than see the film. Check out the trailer if you're unsure of what this film may be:




1. Go to a poetry jam

2. Watch every episode of F Troop in non-sequential order

3. Get a tattoo of Harriet Tubman reading an issue of Cracked Magazine that parodies Batman Forever.

4. Listen to a Neil Diamond album.

5. Sit in a hot car with the windows rolled up for half an hour in front of the public library.

6. Speak like Elmer Fudd for an entire day.

7. Sing Sugar Ray songs at a bar during karaoke night.

8. Wear Axe Body spray.

9. Get my teeth cleaned by a dental hygienist with the shakes.

10. Watch the first season of Coach with audio commentary turned on.

11. See an Eddie Izard one man show live.

12. Watch a baseball game.

13. Go on a run.

14. Eat nothing but Burger King's veggie burgers for dinner every night for a week.

15. Watch David Blaine perform magic tricks.

16. Eat Lucky Charms cereal.

17. See XXX and XXX 2: State of the Union back-to-back in IMAX 3D.

18. Take an origami class.

19. Wear a bow tie.

20. See G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra.

20 Things I'd Rather do than see GI Joe

By Glenn

GI Joe is one of those "once in a lifetime" movies. Like the time I was robbed at knife point while shirtless in downtown Columbia, Missouri, I know that seeing GI Joe is something that will only happen once and never again - no matter how many times I walk the mean streets of North Dakota, shirtless. I've said this about a million times to anyone who will listen (a rapidly shrinking group), but I hate movies that are made to trick idiots into paying for something because it reminds them when they were younger. That isn't a good reason to pay for a movie any more than it is a good reason to reacquaint yourself with an older lover. Here are my 20 things I'd rather do than see the assuredly stupid GI Joe movie.

  1. Date another sociopath for a much longer time period.
  2. Drink 24 cans of Natty Light and then vomit in front of my parents.
  3. Do paid canvassing for a Evangelical conservative Republican in a primary for a state representative race in Utah.
  4. Sleep outdoors in a tent.
  5. Agree to write a 20 page research paper for a college friend "just to help him/her out."
  6. Take every single Facebook quiz in one day that I've seen since FB quizzes began.
  7. Relive the age of 10.
  8. Take a vow of abstinence from blogs for one year and instead just watch cable news.
  9. Try to carry on a conversation with someone who thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old.
  10. Be a contest on a "reality" TV dating show and not be able to use sarcasm.
  11. Choosing something to give up for Lent because I think it's important to my religious beliefs.
  12. Spend an entire day talking about politics, without ever revealing my own beliefs, with the guy that shouted pro-Bush statements during the Pearl Jam song "Bu$hleader" in the 2003 concert Brandon and I attended.
  13. Live on $1 a day, or whatever the standard of living is for someone who is in absolute poverty.
  14. Have a trust fund that keeps me from ever having to acknowledge the economic realities of people in this country or in the rest of the world.
  15. Write a "five star" review of the movie Tomcats.
  16. Get food poisoning once a month for the rest of my life.
  17. Watch one of my best friends be stabbed to death by a homeless man.
  18. Meet my birth parents, find out they're happily married with three kids, and have them tell me they thought they had gotten an abortion.
  19. Start eating meat after seven years of abstinence because "it really tastes good."
  20. Watch the GI Joe Cartoon completely unironically and get seriously into the plots of episodes and then make a case to a peer that they were rife with social commentary on the military-industrial complex.