By OYIT Staff
Welcome to a new series on OYIT. Have you ever wondered what your favorite writers are really like? Was Bub really born in space? Does Jake read braille? Is Sarah the tallest woman in the United States? This will be a recurring feature where you’ll find out the answers to these questions and more. Today, we ask the OYIT staff to name their top five celebrity crushes.
Jennifer Lawrence in five years- because she was a new “it” girl in 2012 and her career has flourished with a mixture of big budget pictures and wonderful smaller films like her amazing performance in Winter’s Bone. Bonus points to her seeming so normal and human in interviews.
Lennon Parham - because she’s part of the very talented “Best Friends Forever” comedy team and she has a weird delivery about her when she speaks.
Zac Effron - because he is handsome and played the younger version of Matthew Perry in 17 Again and was almost able to capture MP’s wonderful charm.
Joni Mitchell, 1971 - because she wrote this wonderful album called Blue that talks about California, longing for love and how you don’t need a marriage certificate from city hall.
Fiona Apple - doesn’t give a shit about releasing more than one album every 6 years. (was?) married to Paul Thomas Anderson. Aroused a teenage Glenn in the Criminal Video.
Sally Field (Gidget-era)
Salem, the cat from Sabrina The Teenage Witch
Any female character from poorly motion-captured mid 90s Playstation1-era FMV games
Molly Ringwald before she admitted to being a Reddit user
Audrey Hepburn with short hair but not as a desiccated corpse
Justin Timberlake circa 1999
Ryan Gosling - I originally started tagging him in everything I did on OYIT, and in life in general, four years ago because I thought he was the guy from the show ‘The O.C.’ (Orange County, which is a county in California for all of our Syrian readers) which I had never seen. I still have never seen the show, and as far as I know he might be the guy from ‘The O.C.’ despite several people telling me otherwise and its absence from his imdb page. I think at the time I was confusing the show ‘The O.C.’ for the show ‘The Hills’ (Black Hills, South Dakota for our Namibian readers) and thought it was funny that anyone was acknowledging the guy on that show for anything. Barack Obama once told me ‘be the change you want to see in the world’, and I wanted him to become the most acknowledged person in the world to take the phenomena to its logical conclusion. So I’ve kept with it despite mistaking him for another person on a show that I mistook for something else. And now I am proud that ‘Ryan Gosling’ is the most successful internet meme in history!!! Plus he’s super handsome and sensitive.
Grant Hill - He may now be an aged basketball player, lucky to get a double-nickel (I think that’s a thing?), or he may be retired and spending time with his family and doing charity work. Or he may be dead. I don’t know I stopped paying attention to him fifteen years ago. But in my early adolescence Grant Hill was my idol. I didn’t care for the flashiness of your Jerry Stackhouses, and I didn’t appreciate the back-talk from the Allen Iversons. Grant Hill was a class-act that always got the job done AND THEN SOME. Plus he was awkward looking, loved Sprite and wore exclusively Fila brand attire, all things that I could relate to. To this day I still own the largest (self-proclaimed) Grant Hill basketball card collection IN THE WORLD:
Che Guevara - I read ‘The Future of Che Guevara’ when I was 11 because I lived near the library and was fat so I spent my summers reading instead of going to the pool, and because the library’s collection was preposterously out of date. It made a huge impact on me, such that by the time I was in jr. high I was going door to door in my rural Illinois hometown soliciting donations for the Communist Party of America, and getting in trouble by my grandfather for using his computer to send sympathetic emails to the Mexican terrorist organization EZLN. I may no longer be a communist or have terrorist sympathies, but Che definitely shaped my world-view. For instance, I STRONGLY OPPOSE apartheid in South Africa. Also, I can still buy cool shirts and tapestries with his face on it to show how much I hate capitalism.
Rihanna pre-Chris Brown reconciliation
I.C.C. Chief Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo
If you'd like the staff to tackle another question, please leave it in the comments. And please do not tell our parents about these crushes.