Showing posts with label ryan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ryan. Show all posts

2015 New Years Resolutions


By Staff

As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed.  With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ.  The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014.  Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions.  Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.

Jake’s Resolutions



2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.

1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.

2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.

3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends?  Nobody.  I’m just a piece of shit, obviously.  So I will just do what my heroes do.

4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.

5. Find out if men are different from women.  This is important.  I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.

Rishika's Resolutions


Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.

1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.
2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.
5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.

Ryan's Resolutions


Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...

2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.

3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.

4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.

5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”

6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.

7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).

8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?

9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).

10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.

11. Suicide by cop.

Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!

Tweets of the Week (Election Edition)

By OYIT Staff (featuring special guests)

We decided that tweets of the week should be spun off into its own article.  Why? Because we could use some filler!  If you have any ideas for filler, please leave a comment.  If you don't have any ideas, you can still leave a comment.  It would be wonderful to hear from you after our recent falling out.























































OYIT Tweet Round Up

Compiled by Jake

Special shout out to the hottest Spiderman costume this year:





















Presidential Debate #2 Predictions


By OYIT Staff

This Tuesday, two people - most likely B. Hussein Obama and Willard “Mittens” Romney - will once again meet in a town hall style debate to address domestic issues, such as housework and marital rape.  The debate will be taking place at Hofstra University in New York (the Kaplan College of Long Island), full of students refusing to take responsibility for their lives and clinging to their guns and religion. 




The consensus opinion of the first debate is that Romney won because he was able to limit his use of the n-word, and because Obama failed to defend his record and got too caught up in attacks on Mormonism.  Today the OYIT staff will take a look into their crystal balls and predict what might happen in the next blood-soaked encounter between two stooges of Non-Profit America.


  • Mitt Romney will once again declare his love for Big Bird, then reveal that he has taken Big Bird as one of his many wives.
  • Romney’s ideological swing from liberal east coast Republican to “severe conservative” back towards the middle will take another giant leap left when he performs a vulgar display that culminates in his wiping his filthy ass and blowing his nose - in that order - with the original copy of the US Constitution. Watching from the audience, Virgil Goode will begin audibly weeping, not because of the political/historical blasphemy he’s seeing, but simply because he’s not fully prepared for the size of the custom Articles Of Confederation buttplug he personally designed and wore to the debate.




  • Mitt Romney will then admit that sometimes he fantasizes about Elmo, too. No offense to Big Bird.
  • After being chided by the media for not being aggressive in the last debate, Barack Obama will walk over to Mitt Romney and punch him in the face and tell him he’s going to send him straight to Third Heaven.

  • Romney will accuse Obama of having been born in Kenya, to which Obama will respond by calling Anne Romney an “ugly cunt.”

  • Holding a fully detached human jawbone, a confused Ron Paul will stumble onto stage, naked and covered in what must be blood, before calling Romney “Mommy Number Two” then asking Obama: “Daddy can I take the horse out for a ride tonight?”

  • One of the audience members asking questions will be a tea party member who detonates a suicide bomb, killing everyone in the auditorium except Candy Crowley, who is immortal and by default becomes the nominee of the Green Party.

  • Both candidates will play a drinking game of their own during the debate: Any time one of them calls the other “my opponent”, each will take a sip of their red wine with tonic water and olives - the official drink of the 2012 Election.

  • After criticism that he seemed “out of it” during the first debate, President Obama will drink three Redbulls before going on stage for this debate.  He will get so hyped that he will rip his own skin off and flex his exposed musculature, which will appeal to body builders and win him the election.

  • Obama will wear a festive Halloween costume. Romney will wear a festive Halloween brooch.

  • One question taken from the audience will be from Dalek2007, Gary Johnson’s Second Life avatar.  The question will be about the box office numbers for Atlas Shrugged 2, which were much higher in Second Life than first.


  • All participants get sidetracked trying to figure out where that giant eyeball in Florida came from.


  • Romney evokes the bus driver who uppercutted the teen girl as the kind of American entrepreneurial spirit we’ve been missing under Obama.  O then brings out the teen girl who endorses him and talks some MAJOR shit on Romney, who uppercuts her.  This leads to another Romney surge among working class men in polls conducted by upper middle class blacks living on Long Island.

  • Mitt Romney will constantly quote the film version of “The Shadow,” the only movie he has ever seen.  The undecided voters will not respond to this.


  • Hofstra University will be leveled by a nuclear missile shot from the submarine in Last Resort, ABC’s hit new action/drama airing every Thursday night at 8pm EST.

  • One of the “regular people” asking a question from the audience is Jared Loughner who asks a question about the government’s control of language and then opens fire in the first act of senseless gun violence in America since the Civil War.

  • Jill Stein shows up and drops out of the presidential race, endorsing Roseanne, who reveals the last four years were a dream: McCain really won the election and Darlene was gay and co-hosted a The View rip-off.

  • As the debate progresses, Obama and Romney will both begin losing their trains of thought, frequently pausing, and ending sentences with “... I mean... yeah, dude, you know?” After Romney, completely unfamiliar with the effects of illicit drugs, begins answering a question on economic growth with “What if, like, it was, like...” potheads around the nation suspect both candidates have been dosed without their knowledge. Cameras panning to the audience will reveal nearly three quarters of the crowd to be unconscious as an undetectable gas leak in the building slowly claims the lives of everyone in the auditorium.


  • The undetectable gas leak will continue to build after the debate consuming the northern half of the East Coast before it is contained.  It will lose the general election to third party candidate Gary Johnson, but will carry the entire South.

  • Hot off news that stimulus-receiving company A123 has declared bankruptcy, Mitt Romney will hit Obama hard by bringing out a mummified employee of A123 and perform a necrophiliac act to highlight the improper relationship between the federal government and so-called “green companies.”

  • To prove to the American people that he’s just like them, Romney will make a reference to the ABC show “Wife Swap.” He will inform the viewing audience that he and Paul Ryan have taped an audition tape in which they engage in those “swinging activities” with Janna, Ann, and Romney’s seven other wives who shall remain nameless.*  The link to watch the video is located on the Mormon Church’s website.
*Romney had his seven additional wives’ names legally “erased” upon their nuptials.

  • Biden, fresh from the beatdown he gave Paul Ryan during the vice presidential debate, will be spotted in the audience handing out jello shots and giving crude prison-style tattoos to anyone who wants them, regardless of age. Eschewing standard antiseptic practices, Biden will outright refuse to clean the tattoo gun between customers, which he calls “my fresh ink babies linked by blood.” He will also sign each tattoo with BD, which he claims can mean either “Bi Den” or “Big Dick” depending on his mood.


  • According to documents leaked by the underground Lyndon LaRouche faction at Hofstra University, the Republican and Democratic national conventions have agreed that all judgements of performances during the debate will be based upon phrenology performed on the candidates by respectable bump and crevice doctors. Additionally, all questions from moderators and commentary by pundits is to be spoken using only words containing glottal stops regardless of any agreed-upon debate language, be it English, Adamic, pidgin, Ferengi, Enochian, The Language of the Birds, Valarin, or any of the glossolalia-based tongues the Romney campaign invented for the debate.

Twittocalypse Now - #WWDC


By Ryan and Glenn


In this special edition of Twittocalypse Now, Ryan attends Apple's Worldwide Developers Conference in San Jose, California and reports live via Twitter.  Special appearance by Glenn.











































































































































































Twitt-ocalypse Now - 6/10/12



By Ryan - @rwoodsmall




































































Twitt-ocalypse Now - The Tweets of @rwoodsmall




By Ryan

Hi everybody, this is Bub.  Now, I know what you're thinking and, yes, Bosom Buddies does hold up about as well as you'd expect.  I'd like to welcome you to what I hope will be a new weekly segment featuring a collection of tweets from our talented and clinically depressed friend, Ryan.

Many of you may not know that Ryan is the owner of the website www.oneyearintexas.com.  He bought it to post his screenplay for the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel where in it the cross-dressing nanny spends a season as a Dallas Cowboy tailback AND cheerleader, before being assassinated by another cheerleader unsure of her own sexual identity.  When Paramount axed that project he graciously let us use the web domain and has served as our Overlord ever since.  I am curating this post for Ryan because despite his being a fucking tech support engineer with degrees in computer science and mathematics, he doesn't understand how to use Blogger.

Ryan's tweets are my favorite thing on the internet.  They capture so perfectly the tone I personally strive for at One Year In Texas - they're hilarious, insane, thoughtful, thoughtless, and good-heartedly fatalistic.  He is also so prolific at tweeting that what follows is only from approximately a 48-hour period.  So go follow him @rwoodsmall today to catch all his musings on farts and existence; and enrich your meaningless flatulence-filled lives!