The election is almost here! I know this comes as a surprise to most of readers who are typically illiterate or shut-ins or both. So I want to call attention to the down-ballot races and remind voters to not let their self-satisfaction stop them after they've smugly ticked the box next to Gary Johnson for president but to proceed all the way down the ballot and vote in the many federal, state, and local races that are being decided tomorrow as well. In states that have a functioning democracy you can vote right now or, like me, may have already voted absentee. Our readers in the more autocratic states on the other hand will have to line up immediately just to for the privilege of being allowed to wait in line to vote tomorrow, only to have their votes over-ridden and switched to Pat Robertson.
They need some extra encouragement to brave the storms both metaphorical and literal, so I am offering this morale booster that I sent to our friends tirelessly working to get out the vote in southern Illinois. Jason Plummer stands out in a field of particularly odious Republican federal candidates this cycle. Unlike many Republicans he hasn't made any explicit endorsements of rape. But like all Republicans, the endorsement is implied. His threadbare resume is solely comprised of his experience being a wealthy child; his past and present occupation. Plus he's a real dick; mocking his opponent's (former head of the Illinois National Guard Bill Enyart) height at one of their debates, and personally attacking his opponent's family in press releases. He represents the absolute worst in American politics, which is why I offer the following full-throated endorsement:
Open Letter to the Editor to newspapers throughout the 12th U.S. Congressional District of Illinois
Republican House Candidate Jason Plummer is right about the jobs report. The Washington witch doctors & voodoo Democrats - would have you believe that a report showing 171,000 new jobs were created somehow vindicates their economic policies. But Jason Plummer knows better. Those new jobs were created in spite of government black magic, racist pun intended, not because of it.
Those jobs don't count because whoever created them was forced into doing so against their will because they did not understand the current job creation environment. They were wooed by the hypnotic spell of democratic talking points and liberal sweet, and were probably confused because they do not understand how to run a business as well as Jason Plummer does. Now they're being forced to carry their unwanted job pregnancies to term.
Luckily for them, Jason Plummer is an economic hypnotism abortionist. Once elected, he will metaphorically wave his rusty coat-hanger, snap his fingers, and entranced job creators will stop clucking like chickens and begin to feel embarrassment over their unwitting exhibitions of barn yard behavior. Jason will remove all the confusing red tape that has led to this mess of new 'jobs' that are in reality nothing more than yolk on their Creators' faces. Plummer would rather no jobs be created at all than to see Democratic Kreskins make fools of honest job creators by metaphorically forcing them to flap their arms on stage as though they were chicken wings and bob their heads back and forth in a pecking motion simulating the movements that chickens make when they eat food off the ground, by literally tricking them into creating jobs against their own interests or forcing them to create jobs against their will.
We need to take America back by ensuring the election of representatives who believe in freedom of choice, for job creators, in the cases of mental rape and economic policy incest. Help Jason Plummer shut this whole Democratic job creation thing down. Vote Jason Plummer for US Representative of IL-12.