W.D. Boyce once said, “The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” This year, this adage will be put to the test as the BSA revisits their policy of forbidding open homosexual boys and adults to serve. Those who were never involved in the Boy Scouts might wonder why this is a pressing national issue while those who served as scout leaders might wonder whether this could lead to a fashionable uniform upgrade. Like all issues in the so-called culture war, this one has gotten inexplicably heated and will only end with the complete annihilation of the losing side (the gays) - just like founder of the Boy Scouts of America and Hitler Youth advisor Lord Baden-Powell always wanted.
Clay: Let’s clear the air of the 250 pound “bear” in the VIP room: the BSA needs a makeover. I’m not talking about rehabilitating their image as a bunch of bigoted homophobes, I want to redesign those uniforms! Beige and olive drab and red? blagh. I’m tired of looking like a bunch of Hitler Youth reenactors every time my troop and I are on color guard. And those pins and sashes and badges are so gaudy! I mean, I’m all for Momar Qaddafi-dictator-chic, but come on! Good for you, son, you mastered Animal Husbandry (we can marry animals, but not gays?), but do you really need another badge for that? I’m thinking they need to lose the brownshirts and go topless (but keep the neck handkerchief!) so they can show off those boy’s abs after they achieve the Personal Fitness merit badge. I’m pitching a tent just thinking about it! But really, the BSA is a bunch of homophobes! Like, EQUALITY, Y’ALL!!!
Glenn: This is exactly the kind of repulsive attitude that leads to the majority of conservative, closeted men in the BSA to oppose lifting the ban. We live in a country where our technology, institutions and reality TV stars are changing faster than we can process (ironic, given Moore’s Law). Boy Scouts of America is the one organization who remains steadfast in support of traditional values such as the Clove Hitch knot and closeted sexuality. As the supporters of this ban have repeatedly said, this is about keeping sexuality out of the BSA. If the ban is lifted, what’s to say there won’t be a program or “mission” that involves boys learning about the prostate gland’s stimulative value? That’s not an appropriate topic for children, especially those who joined an organization to learn how to navigate a compass (both moral and otherwise).
Clay: Thank you for mentioning my two favorite topics: knot tying and prostate stimulation! It leads right into my next point which is that some of the best BDSM sex I’ve ever had was with Boy Scouts. They know so many knots! Square knots, half-hitches, bowlines, sheep shanks, the Fisherman’s “Bend” - they bind and gag me six ways to Sunday. Oh, and don’t forget about the monkey fists! They are a great substitute for Ben Wa balls. Boy Scouts are so resourceful ...and kinky, too! I love it when they take me out in the woods at night for some “snipe hunting” and tie me up and leave me there. Then they’ll come back a few hours later, “rub two sticks together,” and light a fire in my ass! There is a burgeoning population of closeted gays running rampant through the “jamborees” across the world. Part of me wants us to continue our subversive, closeted activities because it’s naughty and exciting, but I also want to live up to the Scout Oath and Law and be open and honest about my sexuality! We’re here, we’re queer, we like to orienteer: GET USED TO IT!
Glenn: You might be here and you’re certainly “queer” - but we’ll never get used to it. Don’t you understand? Groups like On My Honor are working to keep sexuality out of the BSA for this very reason. When parents send their children off to the Scouts, it’s not to be molested - it’s to attempt salvaging a failed marriage. The marriage between closeted gays and the Boy Scouts is a thriving marriage that has worked well for everyone involved since homosexuality was discovered in the late 1960s. Why change a working formula? When children become teens they’re likely to experiment with their sexuality but I see no reason why scout leaders should be the ones facilitating that. If nothing else, it will then make anything besides heterosexuality seem as “lame” as being in the Boy Scouts right now is.
Clay: At least we agree on one thing: the Boy Scouts of America is lame! They need a new direction - a new agenda, and luckily for them, us gays have one queued up and ready to go! And
we’re just going to make a few minor changes - nothing you all need to get your tighty whities in a bunch about. First, we’d get rid of the archery, rifle shooting, and shotgun shooting merit badges. Most of us gays are terrible at those “sports,” and we don’t need a predictable set up for a “straight as an arrow” joke. Second, add merit badges like fashion design, brunch planning, and queer theories. Those are all essential life skills for gay men. Third, replace the semaphore flag system with the back-pocket bandana gay code. Those colored bandanas are doing more communicating each night at the club than those old flags ever will. And finally, we would mandate that each troop provide a color guard at the start of a Gay Pride Parade at least once a year. See, is that so bad? A little change is a good thing!
(Oh, and you don’t have to worry about the Order of the Arrow changing at all. Boys running around half-naked dressed as indians, taking a vow of silence for a night alone in the woods, and carving a phallic arrow out of a chunk of hard wood are all things I can get in a sleeping bag with!)
Glenn: The more you describe the Boy Scouts the less I think the organization is worth even fighting for. My political allies and I are fighting so hard to maintain the ban against open homosexuals without considering whether we should simply add hetero, pan and asexuals to the ban as well and watch the Boy Scouts of America die a slow and deserving death. The things you describe are all stereotypically “gay” or “effeminate” or “things I wish I could experience” but if my time as an embedded reporter with the US Army taught me anything, it’s that sometimes instead of allowing homosexuals to serve openly in an organization, what would make the world a better place is simply disbanding it. We don’t need an army and we don’t need the Boy Scouts. Both are anachronistic institutions that do more harm than good. To paraphrase the great Ronald Reagan (a former Boy Scout and homosexual): Wayne Perry, tear this organization down!