Make Divorce Work for You!

By Rishika

         Every year is a good year to get a divorce, but when your friends who are married to each other get divorced, it can put a real strain on the friend dynamic. Now, instead of one night of hanging out, it's two separate nights with each night representing the two separate people who are not married anymore.

          This is particularly distressing as a friend of both parties, because these two nights of hanging out really cut into my beauty sleep time. And since I'm still single and on the wrong side of 20, I cannot go without my beauty rest. My fertility is waning and no one wants to be with a barren gal with a face that looks like it got hit by Miley Cyrus' foot while she was swinging around on that wrecking ball.

           Which is why it is important to choose a #team, or, as the older generation calls it, "choosing sides."

           In the beginning, when things are first starting to fall apart and emotions are running high, it is important to stay neutral. As I've learned, you don't want to prematurely jump ship from a person who may prove to be a valuable companion.  Hence, this article. Since divorce seems to be the thing to do these days, I've provided a guide that will hopefully prove useful to those who's social circle has been shaken by an act committed by two very selfish people who don't care about their friends.

                         1. Who has more money?
This is the big one. If chosen correctly, the moneybags half of the couple will be so grateful for your friendship that they will want to be your roommate. And with the freedom of their spending power, you can afford to live large. Like a successful rapper or a housewife with a C-level husband. Suddenly, that large, 42nd-floor downtown condo or Southern style mansion in a warmer climate is your home too.

                         2. Who can best advance my career in comedy?
Who has the most connections in Hollywood? Who has experience in the best practices for mitigating PR nightmares? What is leverage and how do I get it? If chosen correctly, HBO and Comedy Central will be fighting over you like your friends fought over custody of that priceless Ming vase that was a wedding gift from their dearly departed old neighbor, Mr. Lodge.

                         3. Who has the most attractive friends?
After all, with your fertility on the decline, you need to find a person who has already been vetted by your trusted friend. There's no time for "get-to-know-yous" and "howdy-doos." It needs to be a straightforward, "Howdy-DO IT TO ME NOW!"

          Hopefully I was able to answer your most pressing questions and made your #team choice a bit easier. Obviously, many questions are brought up during divorce and it's impossible to answer every single one of them as situations tend to vary like a family with a beautiful rainbow of multi-national adopted children.

           If your friends are getting divorced and you have more questions that weren't answered here, feel free to email me at ptwnbrwn (at) gmail (dot) com.





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