By Jake and Glenn
Death. Disease. Pollution. Fascism. Gamers. Our societal collapse seems imminent. We are in freefall. School children are taught to cross out the first half of the famous line “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” What remains? What hope do we have?
The 2017 Academy Awards!
Jake and Glenn are back with the ninth edition of our longest running feature: picking the Best Picture winner so you can skip the ceremony, instead having missionary sex with your husband and go to bed early on a work night.
2016 BEST PICTURE NOMINEES
Jake says…The biggest problem with Hidden Figures is how it reminds me of all the times I lost my toys when I was a kid. I lost them all the time. They were always in the same place, too: inside the stomach of whichever sheep was living with my family at the time. This is why I didn't like this movie. I didn't see it, either.
Glenn says… Unlike Jake, I was legally allowed to see the movie. Though I didn’t, I know it spends a lot of time dissecting what it was like to be a woman and black and an astronaut. If you’re into that, I would recommend previous Best Picture winner The Adventures of Pluto Nash instead.
Jake says…I would be “lion” if I said I didn't love this movie. It had me roaring! It is my mane pick for Oscar’s Movie of the Year this year.
Glenn says… Puns aside, finally we have a movie marketed towards the adopted! A growing demographic, we have a lot of pride at our stories finally being told on the big screen. However, the well documented biases of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences against adopted families is likely to blunt Lion’s chance at Best Picture.
Manchester by the Sea
Jake says…Manchester is not by the sea. It's by an ocean. Not even one of the good ones, either. It's by the Atlantic, the Terence Trent D’Arby of oceans. Still, a cool movie. I liked the clothes.
Glenn says… I deeply enjoyed this movie, but more deeply enjoy defending accused sexual offenders like Casey Affleck. Remember: innocent until proven guilty and even after proven, still innocent. Separate the art from the artist!
Batman V Superman
Jake says…When Superman and Batman fight the winner is the American public! When Batman punches Superman and Superman punches Batman I was like “oh hell no!” but what I meant was “oh hell yeah!” I was so excited I misspoke. And I'm eloquent as heck.
Glenn says… Having an extremely tiny dick and microcephaly, I LOVED this movie! To see these two hulking brutes punch each other so hard, wrestle so voraciously that they almost kissed...this was ecstasy for me. The climax of the movie involving a surprisingly explicit penetrative anal sex scene was enough to pull this film out of “comic book hell” and right into the Best Picture category.
Jake says…Dumb alien shit for virgins.
Glenn says… Smart alien shit for lotharios.
Jake says…More like “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Ridge. Just kidding, this is a movie about building a house on a Ridge, which is boring. It's also 3 months long, which is too long. I have business meetings to go to for this fucking plant watering app I'm trying to get off the ground.
Glenn says… I won’t forgive Mel Gibson and I’m not sure the Academy will either. He told his wife that he hopes she gets raped by a “pack of niggers.” That’s pretty fucked up! Occasionally soapy on the homefront but cataclysmic in combat, Hacksaw Ridge is a worthy addition to the WWII canon. If it loses, it’ll be the last we see of Gibson who has promised to kill himself at the ceremony.
Jake says…If there was a real suicide squad I would join it because this movie sucked so bad I killed myself after watching it. The Joker isn't funny like he is in the Batman joke books I read as a kid.
Glenn says… Scathing reviews did not stop this comic book-style film from being nominated nor the controversy surrounding Jared Leto wearing Heath Ledger’s skin for the haunting portrayal of Bane. A huge money-maker, grossing over $15,000 its first weekend, this is the film to beat on Sunday night.
La La Land
Jake says…Everybody loves this musical about singing in LA. It's about a cisgender heterosexual white man who dreams of opening a jazz club. This movie is what happens when you elect a reality TV vulgarian to the highest office in this country. Now we have to endure four years of dipshit white people dance in IMAX 3D and we have no other recourse than to give it a fucking Oscar. The only solace we can take is that we will all be dead soon, but not soon enough.
Glenn says… I liked the songs.
Jake says… La La Land will win and we will all suffer. There's an old saying that goes “Jews run the media,” well guess what, fuckhead: white nationalists who are dumber than I am are running the whole country. We're giving mentally ill people guns, so why not give this white washed bullshit movie an Oscar. Fuck it all!
Glenn says... As a white nationalist, I have no vested interest in any of these films winning. However, if you set aside the sentimentality, the “politics” behind them or who the ZOG wants to win, and instead just rank them objectively, it’s pretty clear that your best winner will be La La Land. Until man finally realizes how to suck his own dick, Hollywood will continue to do it for us.