Shut up About Charlie Sheen Already

By Jake 

You cannot leave your house or turn on any media delivery device anymore without some asshole droning on to you about Charlie Sheen. It seems that Mr. Sheen was recently "busted" for doing cocaine and hanging out with pornography starlets. Then he went onto a lot of TV shows and said things like "tiger blood" and the word "winning." Now, his hit TV program, 2.5 Men, is on hiatus and may never return.

So where does this leave us, the general population of the world? I guess this separates us into three categories: 1) those of us who are obsessed with Charlie Sheen and eat his TV interviews, movies and 2.5 Men for breakfast 2) those who hate or simply do not care about Charlie Sheen in any way and 3) Charlie Sheen. I would fall into the second group, I suppose. I am more annoyed by all of this Charlie Sheen talk than I am by Heidi Montag not being on TV anymore.

I have nightmares about what Jay Leno's current monologue must be like. As he squeeks away "Charlie Sheen is on drugs and likes sex jokes" like a mouse, I wake up in a cold sweat. If he does "Dancing Charlie Sheens" I will drive to Burbank, California, and shoot Jay Leno in his throat.

I feel truly lucky at this moment because I do not have Television and I just won the lottery. Before this Charlie Sheen incident happened, I had planned on buying a 100 inch 3D TV, but now I will just donate that money to a stripper with the smallest chest at the local gentleman's club. I will be buying a gun, though, if I find out about any sort of Dancing Charlie Sheens.

What can we ultimately do to escape the Charlie Sheen jokes, opinions, discussions and town hall meetings?
1) Suicide. It's always the answer.
2) Read a book that is not about Charlie Sheen.
3) Meditate. Try to clear your mind of Charlie Sheen.
4) Cyber bully some kids to death.

There's a lot we can do to escape the white noise of Charlie Sheen and talk of Sheen. We just have to want to escape it first.

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Attention: Good Morning

By Bub 



Good Morning. Today's weather is not of your concern at this time. Check back later to find out whether the weather has become significant enough to inform you of its state. Until that time, sit quietly at your textile machines and continue the manufacture of textiles.



Today's textile is the dusky olive Kalapana. This hand-loomed fabric is produced in the forests of Nepal by industrious young volition-filled communists. These model comrades have already achieved at age 8 what many capitalists are incapable of even as adults - a 16-hour workday. They use the spirit of brotherhood & sisterhood to motivate them beyond selfish thoughts such as 'I'd like to be playing right now instead of manufacturing textiles' and 'I wonder what the weather forecast is', to selflessly producing textiles, taking hostages at local police outposts, and writing scripts for 'Two and a Half Men'.



Today's sitcom is 'Two and a Half Men'. This sitcom is about two American men and a younger American boy which only qualifies as a half-person in capitalist societies. One of the Americans, Charlie, portrays the capitalist ideal - brash, sexist, a love of bowling shirts. The other American adult, Alan, portrays a capitalist conceived cartoon of communists - effete, weak, Volvo driving chiropractors that can't hang with Charlie Sheen as a sitcom character or in real life because they are busy taking care of their son. This is not rocket-science. Just have Charlie make boilerplate references to cigars and meat and loose women, and have Alan react with disgust - somehow that translates to comedy for Americans. Do not question it as you do not question how the loom produces fabric or why I had to shoot your brother. If you make any protest you'll be taken off 'Two and a Half Men' and sentenced to 'Til Death'.

Today's prediction: You will be taken hostage by Maoist rebels dressed in camouflage ponchos while staring at your computer screen waiting for weather that warrants an update on its condition. They will try to force you to write scripts for 'Two and a Half Men' but you hold out and refuse to write for anything worse than 'How I Met Your Mother'. Even this compromise of values is so drastic that you begin to question your whole moral and philosophical foundation. You convert to Islam and become a progressive Muslim leader in Yemen that helps usher in a new era of peace, prosperity and human rights in the southern Arabian peninsula. After 30 years you will be assassinated by an elderly Charlie Sheen for not liking babes enough as you stare at your computer wondering about the weather.

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