Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

This was a slow week in entertainment. Although the new Arcade Fire album was released and that man from the airplane yelled at people and then left, no one was killed. The only people who died were in politics, which is a separate entity from entertainment. As a warning, I hope to start writing a little about books too. Not often or with any serious thought, but it's time to start catering to bibliophiles instead of just pedophiles.

KATY PERRY GETS 'HEARTS RACING' IN HER SKIN-TIGHT JEANS
Katy Perry is wearing jeans with holes in them. They are featured in her new video "Teenage Dream," the self-proclaimed, Thurston Moore-approved and David Bowie-approved sequel to Sonic Youth's "Teenage Riot" and Bowie's "Teenage Wildlife." These jeans are Diesel brand and in November you can get your own pair for $170. That's a real steal considering the cultural value of having the same pair of jeans as Katy Perry.

ELIZA DUSHKU AND RICK FOX LOVE LIVING TOGETHER
Living together is a very important step in a modern relationship. 500 years ago, you wouldn't move in together until you were married. These days even celebrities will live together, though it's made a lot more complicated by all of their money. They've been dating for almost a year, which seems like a solid time period to get to know a person before you live together. Eliza Dushku is 29 and Rick Fox is 41.

CHRISTINA RICCI DEBUTS NEW BROADWAY BOB
Right now is a season of change for actress Christina Ricci. She will be staring in her first Broadway play soon: Time Stands Still, a musical based on the Neil Young album Times Fades Away. Also she has a new haircut, a "bob," to indicate this life change. I like making multiple life changes at once too, so I understand why she did this. Plus her hair looks nice. She said she's getting extensions soon. Christina don't do it!

BUSTED: KRISTEN STEWART & ROBERT PATTINSON SNUGGLE IN MONTREAL
No one knows if KS and RP are actually dating or if it's all just method acting because they love each other in the Twilight films. They are silent about it, like most politicians regarding the Israeli occupation of Palestine, but now these are photos out of them snuggling. You only snuggle with people you love, or are dating. They were in Montreal to film a new movie and preside over the destruction of Olympic Stadium, where the Expos used to play.

EAT PRAY ZILCH
Even though there is a new movie out featuring Julia Roberts going on a spiritual journey and finding happiness, many people will never find happiness. In the New York Post this week, it is revealed that women like the Roberts' character have tried to seek out gurus and yogis and other new-age charlatans to find enlightenment. Some say it works, but most say it cost a lot of money with uncertain results. Do you have twenty thousand dollars to spend on a trip to India? If you do, you should ALREADY be happy and feel enlightened. That's the inverse of the Oscar Wilde quote "Who, being loved, is poor?"


Have a great week in entertainment.

One Week in Entertainment (Mel Gibson edition)

By Glenn 

Last week in this column I wished that the US would win its upcoming World Cup game and they lost. Now I realize the power of this entertainment article is that anything you wish for will not come true. Dreams only come true for celebrities.

Dreams came true for Lindsay Lohan this year on her 24th birthday, which is the most important birthday a young person can celebrate. She was punched in the face by a waitress! Lindsay is now the victim of completely random assaults. She is our generation's Reginald Denny.

Melissa Etheridge, famous for pop songs and being a lesbian, is ending the "partnership" between her and her "girlfriend" in California. They did not get legally married during the brief period of equality in 2008 where consensual adults of any sex were allowed to marry each other. It's better that they choose to split than have the State of California take their marriage away from them, the way conservative bigots would please.

The opposite of dissolving a family is starting one, and that is what Joey Fatone is doing - or technically 'starting over' as he and wife Kelly say. “It was like starting over again,” says Joey, 33. “Diapers, midnight feedings, all that. We hadn’t done it in nine years.” If all of those things mean starting over, then I've been starting over a few times a year since I turned 24!

The so-called War on Drugs is misguided and it may have now claimed another innocent victim. Paris Hilton was detained in South Africa during the World Cup for allegedly smoking marijuana. She was released, but what this has done to her reputation might be fatal. Her "rep" said it was all a misunderstanding and Paris is now going on safari. I hope she shoots a big elephant!

Zac Hanson from the musical group Hanson is expecting a second baby and now his wife is too. The last thing I heard about Hanson is that they were opening for Degrassi rap star Drake at a free concert in New York, which was canceled from rioting. This has to be considered better news in comparison.

Vampire movie "Edward and Jacob" grossed $30 million dollars opening night, with an emphasis on gross. Talking about movies is kind of like talking about campaigns now - we care a lot about how much money is involved and less about what that money means and the substance behind the product. Yet who am I to judge? I stood in line for three hours before a midnight showing dressed as Jonathan Lipnicki from Little Vampires.

Finally, the most and least shocking news of the week involves a voicemail Mel Gibson left for an ex-girlfriend. We have all made similar mistakes, but none of us lack the kind of values and character Mel does. Religious zealot, Catholic apologist, racist, anti-Semite - he should be running as a Republican nominee for a Southern Congressional seat!

Mel Gibosn said things such as:

"You're an embarrassment to me"

"You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."

Unlike Mel himself, I will not sit and judgment of statements made during an argument that could be taken out of context. There is nothing inherently wrong about what he said, but I think he should at least apologize for Lethal Weapon 4, which was pretty stupid.

An Appointment with Fate (or, A Good Doctor is Hard to Find)


By Bub

The good Doctor had fallen on hard times. His scalpels weren’t as sharp as they used to be. His tongue-depressors now came from the fifth best merchant of depressors tongue and the like, instead of the third. That little shelf that you pull out on the Doctor’s examination bed wont push back in. He had recently seen a man with dropsy of the liver, and all he could do was sigh and brush the patient’s cheek with a cottonseed tail. He tried so very hard to lobby his way out of this funk. He took out advertisements on shop walls. He carved etchings into lavatory stalls. He wrote newspaper editorials for the Sunday Times. He dispatched several middle-sized marsupial creatures with violence. To no avail. That is, until one blustery summer’s eve.

After he got out of his funk that one blustery summer’s eve, the good Doctor took up the sport of pigeon-calling. He spent all of his mornings at the Royal Pigeon-Calling Yards in Northton. He became so entangled in his pigeon-calling pursuits that, on more than one occasion, he forgot to remove his pigeon-calling gloves when he greeted his first patient of the day. Now, at the time this was perfectly acceptable especially if the patient’s family was of higher moral stature than the good Doctor’s, but years later it became a popular insult and the good Doctor felt retroactively mortified. At present however, the good Doctor just forced a smile through the aching loneliness he felt in his throat

Before going to bed each night the good Doctor would swallow a tablespoon of corn flour. This served no medical purpose; he was simply taken with the taste. But as it turns out, once word of this sort of thing gets around, it can make a man many political enemies. And one St. Vincent’s Day at market, the good Doctor let it slip as to why a simple Welsh Doctor made regular purchase of barrel quantity corn flour. He did not know it, but it was the beginning of the end; the end of his days of buying corn flour discreetly and without others knowing the purpose for which the flour was being bought.

The day IT happened, the good Doctor stood in front of a restaurant vent in the Polish Quarter. He came down here in the evenings to enjoy the scent of pierogies and the feeling of racial superiority. A Pole ship-crewman approached. Saying nothing, he reached inside his satchel and retrieved a copy of Le Monde. The Pole held the news straight in front of the good Doctor’s face so that he was sure to get a good look. “Qu'ils Mangent de la Brioche” read the banner headline – Let them eat egg bread! The Pole tore the paper in two down the middle and threw the newspaper refuse with disdain into the air. The two men stared at each other with a sense of knowing and purpose as newspaper confetti rained down upon them. They were comrades now. The war had begun...