One Week in Entertainment (Mel Gibson edition)

By Glenn 

Last week in this column I wished that the US would win its upcoming World Cup game and they lost. Now I realize the power of this entertainment article is that anything you wish for will not come true. Dreams only come true for celebrities.

Dreams came true for Lindsay Lohan this year on her 24th birthday, which is the most important birthday a young person can celebrate. She was punched in the face by a waitress! Lindsay is now the victim of completely random assaults. She is our generation's Reginald Denny.

Melissa Etheridge, famous for pop songs and being a lesbian, is ending the "partnership" between her and her "girlfriend" in California. They did not get legally married during the brief period of equality in 2008 where consensual adults of any sex were allowed to marry each other. It's better that they choose to split than have the State of California take their marriage away from them, the way conservative bigots would please.

The opposite of dissolving a family is starting one, and that is what Joey Fatone is doing - or technically 'starting over' as he and wife Kelly say. “It was like starting over again,” says Joey, 33. “Diapers, midnight feedings, all that. We hadn’t done it in nine years.” If all of those things mean starting over, then I've been starting over a few times a year since I turned 24!

The so-called War on Drugs is misguided and it may have now claimed another innocent victim. Paris Hilton was detained in South Africa during the World Cup for allegedly smoking marijuana. She was released, but what this has done to her reputation might be fatal. Her "rep" said it was all a misunderstanding and Paris is now going on safari. I hope she shoots a big elephant!

Zac Hanson from the musical group Hanson is expecting a second baby and now his wife is too. The last thing I heard about Hanson is that they were opening for Degrassi rap star Drake at a free concert in New York, which was canceled from rioting. This has to be considered better news in comparison.

Vampire movie "Edward and Jacob" grossed $30 million dollars opening night, with an emphasis on gross. Talking about movies is kind of like talking about campaigns now - we care a lot about how much money is involved and less about what that money means and the substance behind the product. Yet who am I to judge? I stood in line for three hours before a midnight showing dressed as Jonathan Lipnicki from Little Vampires.

Finally, the most and least shocking news of the week involves a voicemail Mel Gibson left for an ex-girlfriend. We have all made similar mistakes, but none of us lack the kind of values and character Mel does. Religious zealot, Catholic apologist, racist, anti-Semite - he should be running as a Republican nominee for a Southern Congressional seat!

Mel Gibosn said things such as:

"You're an embarrassment to me"

"You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."


Unlike Mel himself, I will not sit and judgment of statements made during an argument that could be taken out of context. There is nothing inherently wrong about what he said, but I think he should at least apologize for Lethal Weapon 4, which was pretty stupid.

5 comments:

  1. This article has inspired me to write another Lindsay Lohan article. Plus now I know why people hate Mel Gibson, because they're black or his wife.

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  2. Ah Mel....you racist, biggoted bastard when will you learn! LOL!

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  3. Oh and what if Mel got raped by a pack of black people? Would it be his fault? Well if he burns down her house and ends up in prison I guess we'll find out.

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  4. You forgot to mention Mel's apparently losing battle with alcoholism! But maybe it was implied?

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  5. When did they make the LA Riots into a video game?!? Palin/Gibson 2010! (for Gov./Lt. Gov. of SC)

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