From the Vault: Choose Your Own Adventure

By Scott

*Yawn* Wake up, you sleepy bastard, it's time to go out in to the world. You awake in a puddle of your own vomit, and in the vomit, you see your reflection. That means that last night you got completely hammered and you accidentally ate a mirror AND that you are not a vampire - yet. You start to panic because you remember that in the Bible it says not to eat mirrors or any other thing you might find in a restroom or a house of mirrors. What do you do?

A.) Cover the mirror vomit with the nearest rug.
B.) Laugh at the fact that you thought you might have been a vampire.
C.) Volunteer your MC skills for the next Easter Seals Telethon.

You choose B.

Ha Ha Ha!! What a dingbat you are! Vampires don't live in America, and they never will. They hate breathing our air and they really hate looking at our beautiful, sinful women. How could you ever think that you were one of them? You never drink blood, you never turn into a bat, and you can't stand living a single moment of your life without looking at breasts. All of these things enter your mind and you being to laugh out loud (LOL) uncontrollably. Your chuckling wakes up your neighbor, who just happens to be a devil worshiper who hates the sound of laughter. He walks over to your house, in just his robe and slippers, and knocks loudly on your door. You know it's him, so you try to think of something to do. What's it going to be?

A.) Don't answer the door.
B.) Answer the door.
C.) Answer the door wearing a mask.

You choose C.

Uh oh. You answer to door timidly, and ask the Satan lover if you can help him. The guy takes you by the neck and begins to choke you. Instead of fighting back or screaming, you're too busy thinking why this man is trying to kill you. You did put on a mask, so how does he know that it's you? Oops, the mask you put on was actually a mask of your very own face that you had made last Halloween. You thought it would be a great gag, but your friends thought it was pretty lame. You were given a fake king's crown that had "King Lame" inscribed on it, and that made you cry. At this point, you snap back to your senses and realize that the Satanic man stopped choking you two hours ago, and that you had been choking yourself for those last couple hours. You feel like an idiot. You...

A.) Fall in love with the Satan worshiper.
B.) Polish your "King Lame" crown.
C.) Wish upon a star.

You can't decide between C and A, then you slowly pick C.

What to wish for? You have a crown and a house, and some vomit. What else do you need? You think about if for a little bit, then you decide that you need a "Big Johnson" t-shirt collection. You go outside, you find a star that looks like it needs to be degraded, so you wish away. In just a matter of seconds, your entire wardrobe magically switched from regular clothes into hilarious "Big Johnson" t-shirts. You look through them all, then try to pick one to wear for the rest of the evening. You pick...

A.) The ironic, Budweiser parody muscle shirt.
B.) A long-sleeve that says, "I've got more 'inches' than a Polish phone book."
C.) A standard, "Get a boner, then whack it" short-sleeve.

You pick B, immediately.

So now you're cool, and you go out to the pub to pick up some ladies. The bouncer lets you in right away after reading your shirt, and you start...

A.) Dancing with a mop
B.) Dancing with a cardboard standup of Jeff Gordon
C.) Drinking beer and lemonade by the tunic full

You wish you could choose C, but A is the only realistic option. You choose B.

You begin to tango with the paper NASCAR driver, and you feel good about it. Jeff begins to touch your ass, but it's okay, it feels good. You begin to kiss him on his 2-D lips and you decide that you're going to drop to one knee and propose to him. As you begin to do this, you remember that you are married and that you have twelve kids at home that need love and breast milk. What do you do now?

A.) Kill the cardboard standup of Jeff Gordon and go home.
B.) Kill the real life Jeff Gordon.
C.) Follow through with the proposal.

You choose B.

So you fly all the way to South Carolina to kill Jeff Gordon and guess what? You did. You threw three banana cream pies at his face, he suffocated, he died, you celebrated. With him out of the way, you decide to take a walk down Just Killed A Guy Avenue. You begin walking down the street and you realize that someone in a monster truck is following you. You...

A.) Dart down an empty alley, hoping to lose it.
B.) Dart down a cluttered and busy alley, hoping to draw it in so that it helps clean it up.
C.) Play darts.

You choose C, no questions asked.

Bull's-eye! You defeat the monster truck at darts. The truck is terribly upset and decides to retire from the World Dart Circuit. You are arrested for causing this unhappy retirement, and you are thrown in the pen for six years. In prison you...

A.) Write your memoirs.
B.) Die, become a zombie, reform the band White Zombie, go double platinum in the year 2025, then pass away.
C.) Yell a lot.

You choose C, but I erase your answer and pick B for you so that this story has a happy ending.

THE END....?

1 comment:

  1. I love this article. One of my favorites from the original run on OYIT. Within the top 5 articles for sure!


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