The consensus opinion of the first debate is that Romney won because he was able to limit his use of the n-word, and because Obama failed to defend his record and got too caught up in attacks on Mormonism. Today the OYIT staff will take a look into their crystal balls and predict what might happen in the next blood-soaked encounter between two stooges of Non-Profit America.
- Mitt Romney will once again declare his love for Big Bird, then reveal that he has taken Big Bird as one of his many wives.
- Romney’s ideological swing from liberal east coast Republican to “severe conservative” back towards the middle will take another giant leap left when he performs a vulgar display that culminates in his wiping his filthy ass and blowing his nose - in that order - with the original copy of the US Constitution. Watching from the audience, Virgil Goode will begin audibly weeping, not because of the political/historical blasphemy he’s seeing, but simply because he’s not fully prepared for the size of the custom Articles Of Confederation buttplug he personally designed and wore to the debate.
- Mitt Romney will then admit that sometimes he fantasizes about Elmo, too. No offense to Big Bird.
- After being chided by the media for not being aggressive in the last debate, Barack Obama will walk over to Mitt Romney and punch him in the face and tell him he’s going to send him straight to Third Heaven.
- Romney will accuse Obama of having been born in Kenya, to which Obama will respond by calling Anne Romney an “ugly cunt.”
- Holding a fully detached human jawbone, a confused Ron Paul will stumble onto stage, naked and covered in what must be blood, before calling Romney “Mommy Number Two” then asking Obama: “Daddy can I take the horse out for a ride tonight?”
- One of the audience members asking questions will be a tea party member who detonates a suicide bomb, killing everyone in the auditorium except Candy Crowley, who is immortal and by default becomes the nominee of the Green Party.
- Both candidates will play a drinking game of their own during the debate: Any time one of them calls the other “my opponent”, each will take a sip of their red wine with tonic water and olives - the official drink of the 2012 Election.
- After criticism that he seemed “out of it” during the first debate, President Obama will drink three Redbulls before going on stage for this debate. He will get so hyped that he will rip his own skin off and flex his exposed musculature, which will appeal to body builders and win him the election.
- Obama will wear a festive Halloween costume. Romney will wear a festive Halloween brooch.
- One question taken from the audience will be from Dalek2007, Gary Johnson’s Second Life avatar. The question will be about the box office numbers for Atlas Shrugged 2, which were much higher in Second Life than first.
- All participants get sidetracked trying to figure out where that giant eyeball in Florida came from.
- Lindsay Lohan sits front and center to support Romney and all his awesome ideas for fixing unemployment stuff and to promote the three movies she has coming out!
- Romney evokes the bus driver who uppercutted the teen girl as the kind of American entrepreneurial spirit we’ve been missing under Obama. O then brings out the teen girl who endorses him and talks some MAJOR shit on Romney, who uppercuts her. This leads to another Romney surge among working class men in polls conducted by upper middle class blacks living on Long Island.
- Mitt Romney will constantly quote the film version of “The Shadow,” the only movie he has ever seen. The undecided voters will not respond to this.
- Hofstra University will be leveled by a nuclear missile shot from the submarine in Last Resort, ABC’s hit new action/drama airing every Thursday night at 8pm EST.
- One of the “regular people” asking a question from the audience is Jared Loughner who asks a question about the government’s control of language and then opens fire in the first act of senseless gun violence in America since the Civil War.
- Jill Stein shows up and drops out of the presidential race, endorsing Roseanne, who reveals the last four years were a dream: McCain really won the election and Darlene was gay and co-hosted a The View rip-off.
- As the debate progresses, Obama and Romney will both begin losing their trains of thought, frequently pausing, and ending sentences with “... I mean... yeah, dude, you know?” After Romney, completely unfamiliar with the effects of illicit drugs, begins answering a question on economic growth with “What if, like, it was, like...” potheads around the nation suspect both candidates have been dosed without their knowledge. Cameras panning to the audience will reveal nearly three quarters of the crowd to be unconscious as an undetectable gas leak in the building slowly claims the lives of everyone in the auditorium.
- The undetectable gas leak will continue to build after the debate consuming the northern half of the East Coast before it is contained. It will lose the general election to third party candidate Gary Johnson, but will carry the entire South.
- Hot off news that stimulus-receiving company A123 has declared bankruptcy, Mitt Romney will hit Obama hard by bringing out a mummified employee of A123 and perform a necrophiliac act to highlight the improper relationship between the federal government and so-called “green companies.”
- To prove to the American people that he’s just like them, Romney will make a reference to the ABC show “Wife Swap.” He will inform the viewing audience that he and Paul Ryan have taped an audition tape in which they engage in those “swinging activities” with Janna, Ann, and Romney’s seven other wives who shall remain nameless.* The link to watch the video is located on the Mormon Church’s website.
- Biden, fresh from the beatdown he gave Paul Ryan during the vice presidential debate, will be spotted in the audience handing out jello shots and giving crude prison-style tattoos to anyone who wants them, regardless of age. Eschewing standard antiseptic practices, Biden will outright refuse to clean the tattoo gun between customers, which he calls “my fresh ink babies linked by blood.” He will also sign each tattoo with BD, which he claims can mean either “Bi Den” or “Big Dick” depending on his mood.
- According to documents leaked by the underground Lyndon LaRouche faction at Hofstra University, the Republican and Democratic national conventions have agreed that all judgements of performances during the debate will be based upon phrenology performed on the candidates by respectable bump and crevice doctors. Additionally, all questions from moderators and commentary by pundits is to be spoken using only words containing glottal stops regardless of any agreed-upon debate language, be it English, Adamic, pidgin, Ferengi, Enochian, The Language of the Birds, Valarin, or any of the glossolalia-based tongues the Romney campaign invented for the debate.
