How Zapped! Changed My Life

By Jake

Zapped! is a film starring teen heart-throb Scott Baio and, the Gene Wilder to his Richard Pryor, Willie Aames. Scott Baio plays a character named Barney Springboro who accidentally gets telekinetic powers when a lab experiment goes wrong.

Like any young man, Springboro uses his telekinetic powers to move things. The twist is that most of the things he moves are blouses in order to expose ample bosoms. This may seem like pure drivel to the average member of MENSA, but to a much younger version of myself it was pure genius.

When a young man is in high school, ladies, their number one concern is getting a boner during class and then having to go to the chalk board to solve a math problem. This movie has none of that! This movie is about giving boners, no math allowed.

Willie Aames, playing Peyton Nichols, plays the role of the Ghost of Boners Future (basically, although I'm being very liberal with my interpretation). He goads Springboro into fixing sports, games of roulette, using his powers to woo women and exposing breasts. I believe he won a Boney for his work in this film.

As a 10 year old, my father (who had seen the movie) decided I should watch Zapped! in order to become a man. The scene in particular he wanted me to see, and which turned me from a high-pitched voiced young lad to the deep-voiced burly man that I am today, was the climax. In this scene Barney goes batshit crazy with his powers at the prom. It's like that Stephen King book, Carrie, but with loads of jugged up women running around topless.

The gratuitous display of breasts did more for me than your average "bird and bee's are fucking and whathaveyou" conversation that you see in TV shows like Tiny Toons and F Troop. This showed me that I like women and, more importantly, it showed me how to judge them on chest size. I believe those were the hopes of my father, at least.

It worked to a degree. I don't really care much for giant melonous breats, nor do I actively objectify women. I watch porn, sure, but who can say they don't? Only pious liars. In fact, one might say that I'm a feminist, even though I use words like "juggs," "melons" and phrases like "jugged up" for comedic effect.

The real question is: what is considered objectification? I mean, sure if you treat a woman like a couch, that clearly is objectifying a woman. When the Nazis made lampshades out of the skin of women, that is objectifying women. Nobody is arguing that! Is watching a woman and a man have consensual sex (be it anal, vaginal, oral, 5-on-1 group sex or a mass bukkake) for money objectifying women? If so, is it not also objectifying men? These are the questions that Zapped! raises. That's why it's a thinking person's film, and why members of MENSA are missing out on some important question-raising antics of two horned up high school students.

It should also be noted that my father also had me watch Porky's, which is a lot funnier than Zapped! and taught me not to hate Jews. Porky's was my Schindler's List and Zapped! was my Bar Mitzvah.


  1. I saw this article in a different form and I am very impressed with what it turned out to be. In the original version, Jake listed every woman he knew and how he would use his Zapped! powers to remove their shirts. This version was slightly more subtle.

  2. "Syechdochizing" has to be a made up word.

  3. Oops and I misspelled my own made up word, it's supposed to be synechdochizing.

  4. Hahaha.

    I have to thank Glenn for talking me out of actually watching Zapped! last night. I'm pretty sure I would have to kill myself if I had.

  5. This only talked me INTO watching Zapped!

  6. I still want to watch it. It's pretty bad, but I own it on VHS.

  7. i know we started watching it once and now i'm not going to object if you want to watch it again with me. it'd be kind of like a study of so many different things that i can't think of right now!


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