One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

I don't follow entertainment news as much as I used to. For some reason Charlie Rose insists on interviewing important political figures. I believe Heidi Montag has even been blacklisted from his show for her controversial views on the Uyghur nationalism movement.

Speaking of persecution,
Paris Hilton Arrested for Cocaine Possession
Is there no justice in the world now? Doing cocaine is perfectly legal in the United States, but Paris Hilton has been arrested because she is famous and beautiful. Between this and the time she was questioned at the World Cup for "smoking marijuana" (another victimless crime), the misguided war on drugs is ruining the lives of our young people. Paris is 29.

Zoe Saldana Gets Even More Intimate for Calvin Klein Underwear
Don't ask me who Zoe Saldana is or how a Calvin Klein underwear video advertisement can be construed as intimacy. I just like that all Calvin Klein is only using Van Morrison music in the company's advertisements now. It captures the right mood - sexual, horn-based and for older people. Zoe Saldana probably downloaded all of VM's music when she got a job as a professional clothes model for CK.

Costar Dishes on Steamy Sex Scene with George Clooney
Violante Placido has a very graphic sex scene with George Clooney in the new children's film The American. Full details are not known, but People.com reports there are elements of scatalogy and sadism reminiscent of Caligua's reign. She was really excited to have sex with him though because there is full penetration and he's a handsome, rich celebrity. In the movie he plays an American.

Usher on His Marriage: I Don't Regret Anything

Usher, the rapper and professional wedding usher, admitted from his jail cell that he didn't regret killing his ex-wife and her friend. He said that he loved her while they were married, but "we're two different people. And we have two different goals. It just was never going to work out 100 percent." So he murdered her.



Scott Baio is a right-wing idiot!
You might have heard this story or missed it when you went one week without checking Huffington Post, Gawker and other internet tabloids. Scott Baio did his taxes this year (on what income? -ed.) and then complained about paying them, making him as insightful as my own father. He subsequently sent out a picture of Michelle Obama looking like the shrill black woman she is and then said he wasn't racist because his wife's best friend is black. The whole episode convinced many people to start hating Italians.

Another right-wing celebrity
Janine Turner, the actress best known for her role on the television series “Northern Exposure, appeared at a tea party rally or something like it. She said, “they don’t want our children to know about their rights. They don’t want our children to know about a God!” Now, Janine Turner does not have the star power of an accomplished actor like Jon Voight or an overrated bore like Kelsey Grammar but hell if she hasn't put her money where her mouth is. She runs this site called Constituting America, which pretends to be about our "founding" (?) but is really just an excuse to spout right-wing bullshit. Let's hope Usher calls Janine Turner too.

See you next week!

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How Zapped! Changed My Life

By Jake

Zapped! is a film starring teen heart-throb Scott Baio and, the Gene Wilder to his Richard Pryor, Willie Aames. Scott Baio plays a character named Barney Springboro who accidentally gets telekinetic powers when a lab experiment goes wrong.

Like any young man, Springboro uses his telekinetic powers to move things. The twist is that most of the things he moves are blouses in order to expose ample bosoms. This may seem like pure drivel to the average member of MENSA, but to a much younger version of myself it was pure genius.


When a young man is in high school, ladies, their number one concern is getting a boner during class and then having to go to the chalk board to solve a math problem. This movie has none of that! This movie is about giving boners, no math allowed.

Willie Aames, playing Peyton Nichols, plays the role of the Ghost of Boners Future (basically, although I'm being very liberal with my interpretation). He goads Springboro into fixing sports, games of roulette, using his powers to woo women and exposing breasts. I believe he won a Boney for his work in this film.

As a 10 year old, my father (who had seen the movie) decided I should watch Zapped! in order to become a man. The scene in particular he wanted me to see, and which turned me from a high-pitched voiced young lad to the deep-voiced burly man that I am today, was the climax. In this scene Barney goes batshit crazy with his powers at the prom. It's like that Stephen King book, Carrie, but with loads of jugged up women running around topless.

The gratuitous display of breasts did more for me than your average "bird and bee's are fucking and whathaveyou" conversation that you see in TV shows like Tiny Toons and F Troop. This showed me that I like women and, more importantly, it showed me how to judge them on chest size. I believe those were the hopes of my father, at least.

It worked to a degree. I don't really care much for giant melonous breats, nor do I actively objectify women. I watch porn, sure, but who can say they don't? Only pious liars. In fact, one might say that I'm a feminist, even though I use words like "juggs," "melons" and phrases like "jugged up" for comedic effect.

The real question is: what is considered objectification? I mean, sure if you treat a woman like a couch, that clearly is objectifying a woman. When the Nazis made lampshades out of the skin of women, that is objectifying women. Nobody is arguing that! Is watching a woman and a man have consensual sex (be it anal, vaginal, oral, 5-on-1 group sex or a mass bukkake) for money objectifying women? If so, is it not also objectifying men? These are the questions that Zapped! raises. That's why it's a thinking person's film, and why members of MENSA are missing out on some important question-raising antics of two horned up high school students.

It should also be noted that my father also had me watch Porky's, which is a lot funnier than Zapped! and taught me not to hate Jews. Porky's was my Schindler's List and Zapped! was my Bar Mitzvah.

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