Planning a Successful Orgy

By Kaleena

I assume there comes a time in everyone's life where they think to themselves "God, how could I have a successful orgy?" I assume they actually pray about it, as well. All it takes is dedication, cold calls (luckily they're mostly to people you already know) and a pint or two of hard liquor (just for the calling). Now it's time to get started!



First step: just make a list of all the people to which you are close, semi-close or maybe just recently met. The idea behind an orgy isn't just about the sex-- it's about experiencing others on a whole different level. Sure, you could just have a straight-up mixer with a DJ and no jacuzzi, but that's just boring. Where's the spunk, where's the nakedness? Where's the sex? Don't puss out, just make the damn calls! Sure, you'll get plenty of hang-ups, probably some yells of "pervert" ringing in your ear throughout the night (or next couple of days), but keep strong. Stay the course, you'll be glad you did.

A point to remember-- don't exclude couples! Some would write their list and stop on a name because 'oh, so and so is dating so and so.' This is the perfect time to broaden a couple's horizons. You may even be responsible for them finding true happiness with someone else, thus winning the label 'cupid.' All future orgies would probably be even more popular. Of course, the representative of the couple you are speaking with may be extremely apprehensive and think you're a giant asshole for even suggesting such a thing. Don't panic. Just pull out those "talkin' pretty" skills that made everyone fall in love with you to begin with. Try explaining it this way:
"We are in a new era. We have broken a barrier with the new president. Hope is sweeping the land, eyes everywhere are being opened and hearts are embracing all sorts of change. I just want to promote that change and embrace open-mindedness to the extreme. Won't you join me? It's a way for you and your life-partner (wife, husband, love, etc.) to open up and explore together. I just want to be the one to offer up that opportunity. Plus, I'm supplying the alcohol, jacuzzi, lube and condoms."

I think this will win them over.

Very important: Tell everyone to come NAKED. That's right, everyone must be naked. Then there will be no inhibitions to even leave at the door.

Okay, so now you have your list of attendees. Now what? Since you have asked everyone to arrive naked, I would highly recommend renting a cabin in the woods for the event. After all, you don't want those nosy neighbors trying to invite their way into your awesome, successful orgy; or, alternatively, calling the police and having it become a very non-successful orgy very quickly.

A cabin shouldn't be too expensive, but you may want to just try sleeping with a member of the owner's family to get a free night. If that's not possible, just cough it up. Do you WANT to have a successful orgy? I assume you do because you're still reading this.

Now to make invites. I know you've already made calls, but this is more of a 'save the date' type invite. Make them as happy and non-threatening as possible. Add some sexual humor, spruce it up! You want people to feel comfortable and sure about the orgy they are attending. Maybe include a condom or two in each envelope so they know you're serious about safety. Include a pirate-esque treasure map so they know how to get to the location (making the cabin look like treasure would be cute).

Mail them out a few days before - maybe even just the day before. I should back-track a bit and say when you're calling, make sure you give a date. Just the date, so then they know what's coming up. Then, when they say yes they can't "pull-out" (yup, on purpose) and look like jerks. After all the time you put into making the invites up, having all those copies made, licking all those nasty envelopes, getting paper-cuts on your tongue and then drinking (for some dumb reason) lemonade; they would owe you their first-born if they decline.

Are you excited yet? You should be! You're just 24 hours (or less) from having a successful orgy!

Now let's discuss the jacuzzi. That's right, no sexual encounter with friends and near-strangers would be complete and accurate without a jacuzzi. If the cabin you rented is without (and I should have mentioned this earlier), then you will have to rent one. Tear a hole in the roof, have it lowered and hooked up and then patch up the roof. This shouldn't take more than an hour or two. If you help with the work yourself, I think a huge discount is in order. Otherwise, just use the "check's in the mail" line. Works almost every time.

Wow, you are so close. YOU ARE SO CLOSE! AAAHHHHH! Okay, okay, get your wits about you.

Now for the liquor. Lots and loads and lottttssss of liquor is definitely needed. Not beer-- liquor. Beer makes women feel fat and insecure and then the orgy goes limper than the dicks after they've came a million times in a million different orifices.

You want a nice variety of liquor (don't forget you can always mix). Get some appropriate juices (maybe some that are natural aphrodisiacs if that's possible - or just get a chocolate tray and some oysters for that if you want to go that extra mile). Some fruit if you're making "jungle juice" (because that is always a hit) and a few huge barrels to mix the drinks in. Make sure the barrels are red or red with prints. Why? Because:
A.) Red is a sexy color.
B.) Black and green make people think of garbage. When they're drunk if they have to puke they might do so in these containers and that would make a very successful orgy turn very unsuccessful very quickly, indeed.

Got it? Great !! You're very smart.

OOOOOOO! You are ready! Can you even believe it? I can't-- WOOOOOOOOOOAAHHHHHH!!!

Make sure you are there very early. In fact, maybe have breakfast with the owners of the rented cabin, perhaps some lunch as well. Skip dinner as you will be getting drunk, having lots of sex and you don't want to puke on anyone. In fact, when you're doing your calls (you should have read this whole thing before starting any of the steps, so if you didn't don't blame me), you should mention the little tidbits and pieces of useful side-info that I included because it will just seal the success like the wax sealer did with your invites (you did use a wax sealer, right?).

As people arrive, make sure you're naked. Perhaps have a table with some glasses of champagne and wine to get everyone started. IMPORTANT: have a fire going. This is highly sexual and everyone will be a bit chilled (even if it's in the middle of summer, which it probably should be) because they are naked. If it gets too hot, put on the air conditioning, but don't you dare put out that fire. It'd be like putting Rohypnol in the drinks-- totally against the purpose!

I shouldn't even have to say this, but, don't forget some music. You'll want sexy music {Barry White, comes to mind). However, when I put 'sensual music' into the Wikipedia search bar, it came up with these suggestions:
- Chris Murphy (violinist)
- Soap Kills (Arabic, inspired band)
- French Kiss (Estelle Desanges album)
- French Kiss 2 (Estelle Desanges other album)
and finally, I'll mention,
- B-Tribe (the third 'b-tribe' album released by 'The Brave')

Make sure to do your own research. I'm just giving you a general guideline, really. The success is all up to the amount of effort you put into your customized orgy.

As sad as goodbyes are, I must leave you to your sexual adventure. So goodnight, good day and good sex.

8 comments:

  1. Great article Kaleena. Thank you for contributing. I helped edit this one a little, but I at most added a couple words and deleted a few uses of the word "just." I hope you keep writing, honey. Only for OYIT, though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very instructive. Much more informative than the pamphlet by Pat Robertson of the same title. You open it up and inside it just says 'don't'. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. this article was very long, yet thoroughly enjoyable--just like a good orgy should be.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i didn't realize how long it was until now!
    also, don't ever trust anything written by Pat Robertson. I've been fooled so many times it's embarrassing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This article is so educational. My only question to you now and i guess the OYIT team is this: I am throwing a party. Not a big deal or anything just a fun little lets get to know each other event. I was wondering if yall would stop by and hang out for a couple of hours. I even have a place for yall to stay the night. You don't have to bring anything. Just yourselves. You can even leave your clothes behind. It starts at 7!

    ReplyDelete
  6. INCREDIBLY HELP FULL i intend on trying this out next weekend and not to judge but i feel like a bear skin rug should have been mentioned somewhere in there!

    ReplyDelete
  7. JONATHAN. AKA: DICK LOVERJuly 20, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    fuck yeah! ORGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. How can a person get invited to one? Email me a answer plz Tavon3@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete