The Decider

By Beth

Nadya Suleman has a Calvin Kline-like obsession with babies, probably stemming from some fucked up childhood trauma involving inattentive parents and an overly attentive Uncle Iqbal. This obsession has led her to collect kids like Kewpie dolls. Already a single mother of six, this unemployed waste of space recently gave birth to octuplets: that’s eight tiny, sickly, screaming creatures, all of whom now depend on legions of doctors and taxpayers for survival. Did I mention how tiny they are, like ittybitty pooping angels because her dumb oven only half-baked her precious buns.

So far, Nadya remains mum on how these eight babies came to be in her wombat sized womb. Doctors have yet to claim responsibility or rule out alien insemination. Amazingly, no man’s penis is at fault for this fetus fiasco. Too many f’s you say? Not fucking enuff.

Nadya was unable to conceive naturally because her fallopian tubes are blocked by something God placed there specifically to ensure she would not reproduce. Yet scientific advancements in lasers and batteries make it possible for people like her to freeze embryos and conceive through in vitro fertilization. While I do feel (disdain) for gays and couples who are unable to conceive naturally, I am entirely disgusted with the narcissism that drives the current market for sperm donors, in vitro fertilization, fertility drugs, intracytoplasmic sperm injection, and all sorts of other procedures that sound as fun as space sex with a scalpel. Let’s face it, your gene pool is not indispensable to the continuation of the human race; if you can’t conceive with a turkey baster or a good old fashioned fuck, get over yourself and adopt an unwanted child. I hug street urchins every day and then have to send them back to their miserable, loveless lives, while Nadya and her army sit around expecting Pampers and TLC to validate their freakness.

So as we wait for the mystery of mommy dearest’s motives to unfold, we are forced to listen to reporters and “experts” of all sorts whine about the ethics concerning the number of embryos squirted and Nadya’s refusal to use selective reduction (the sexiest sounding abortion in existence). Many eighth graders agree, this woman should never have been allowed so many babies without the proper means to care for them, but then that stirs up a whole mess of ethics regarding who gets to decide who can or cannot have babies. Ethics shmethics, from now on I’ll decide, based on a complex system of logarithms, clicks, and raging hormones: NO MORE BABIES FOR NADYA.



    (Columbia, Mo, high school reference.)

  2. Beth, great first showing. I hope to see more articles from you in the future. Hopefully angrier articles.

  3. I'm with Mary who has never liked anything I've written enough to comment; this was fantastic! I hope this post gets nominated both for best content AND best picture at the OYIT Oscars. It will win best picture and lose best content by a landslide to Jake's Firefox Add-On article.



  5. i want to see the size of THAT stomach.


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