By Glenn

Good morning. A thousand apologizes for not writing this column yesterday morning. I know that for most, growing up in foster homes combined with erratic and emotionally unsatisfying relationships has led to a certain desire for stability. That is what I try to provide with my column and I'm sorry I failed you yesterday. I personally think Jake did a great job with his, but the death threats I've gotten at my email address indicates that at least two people (my parents) thought otherwise.

[My parents, of course, do not use email or know how to visit and look at a website. They are both over 45, the age at which people can no longer understand technological enterprises.]

Today's Weather

Our guest weatherman today is not a man at all, but instead is thirteen year old Ian McKenney from Manchester, England. Ian recently won the "Henry the VIII Young Weatherman" award from the British House of Lords for predicting the massive snowfall that's hitting the UK right now (most in 18 years). I asked him to predict the weather for us here in the states today, but he refused. He offered to predict the weather in Australia (as a former prison colony of England's and the home of Bub) but I refused on ethical grounds. Our compromise is shown above. Ian says people across the Island better wear little hats to protect yourself from the 5 feet of rain and 5 pound bowling balls that are coming across the English channel from mainland Europe. Today more than ever I'm glad I live in America.

Today's Movie
It's probably a bit early in the morning to scare you with a horror film. Normally I would just put this into my Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen column, but I watched the Strangers last night. The best time to watch this movie is at night and the best place to watch it is some where dark, whether that be your bedroom, a movie theatre or in a photographic dark room. This movie is scarier than the time I saw Steppenwolf in concert, but works much better as a date activity. If a woman is disgusted by the gruesome scenes, she will be less disgusted later in the evening when seeing her male partner naked for the first time. Important for men to remember: the endorphins that are released upon her fright of the movie will also lead to her desire for sexual intercourse. That is why Jack the Ripper is thought of as the first feminist. I recommend watching this movie if you are willing to be scared and can ignore the sexist bullshit I just wrote.

Today's Girl Scout Cookie Flavor
Caramel deLites are the featured Girl Scout cookie of today, though not because they are my personal favorite. I ate an entire box of them on Sunday night and needed a few days for the cookies AND the shame to digest and leave my body before I felt comfortable discussing them. Caramel deLites used to be called Samoas and this article by Andrew Sinclair explains the name change:
The reason they have two different names is because they come from two different manufacturers: Little Brownie and ABC/Interbake. Each Girl Scout Council selects their own manufacturer, so it's perfectly conceivable to see both types of cookies in the same national region.
I thought the answer was going to be a lot sexier than that, but we'll have to settle for the natural sexiness of the of the actual cookies. The way the little pieces of coconut playfully dance upon the cookie's chocolate frame are arguably a greater aphrodisiac than even horror movies. You can order Caramel deLites (and all other superior kinds of Girl Scout cookies) here. Ask for Samoas.

Today's Prediction

I will eat another box of Caramel deLites tonight while I watch Hostel (the next scary movie on my Netflix queue).


  1. As you know, Glenn, I hate horror movies. I am already filled with fear of REAL things, like terrorism and celebrities.

  2. i agree that 'samoa' is the only real name for those amazing girl scout cookies. i think that's what Samoans would definitely look like if they were turned into cookies.

  3. 1)Keelin hates scary movies so much she gave Ghostbusters a three star rating on Netflix (It's a five star movie).

    2)Keelin hate me so much that she never comments on my articles. She only comments on Glenn's because they have video chat sex.

    3)Samoas are wild and have names like Afa and Meng. End of controversy.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.