TV Show Idea: Private Dick

By Jake

I have a lot of ideas for scripted television programs. Unfortunately, TV networks won't listen to my pitches (not even FX). They're only interested in reality shows like World's Largest Beds, Cafe of Deceit and Circus of the Stars. I'm interested in scripted television and have not watched a single reality show. Although, I watched American Idol once when Quentin Tarintino was a guest judge. It was like watching Superman fellate a heavy leather mustachioed gay man.

Perhaps I should explain who Dick Butkus is first. Dick Butkus was a bone crushing football player known for his brutality, turned actor who starred on such shows as My Two Dads and Hang Time. Here's a video starring Rodney Dangerfield, Bubba Smith and Dick Butkus:

So I present to you my first TV series idea: Private Dick

Dick Butkus stars as Raymond Dick, a hard boiled private eye. His secretary is Theresa "Sugar" Smith, a sassy black woman, played by Marion Ramsey (of Police Academy "fame"). Raymond is shocked to find that he has fathered a son, who shows up in the very first episode. His son is 14 and is named Billy (but Raymond only calls him William).

William informs Raymond Dick, that his mother recently died in an airplane crash. Dick instantly embraces his son, albeit reluctantly. He has never had to share his space with anybody but his secretary. He has had brief love affairs, but nothing lasting more than one episode (which at most spans one week). This creates a Odd Couple type living situation with Dick and William. Dick has no idea how to take care of a teenager and has a hard time coping with William's raging horomones.

Dick decides that he will help William become a man by teaching him how to be a private investigator. In the pilot we see William learn how to pick a lock, which later on in the episode will get Dick out of a holding cell when he is wrongfully accused of rape.

Dick never rapes. That's his motto, and that's what he tells the police.

William and Dick track down the woman who called rape on Dick. She is the girlfriend of Dick's oldest enemy, Shermer Magule. Shermer was once Dick's partner, but their relationship soured as Shermer began to steal evidence (watches, money out of dead men's wallets, etc.). Shermer took to a life of crime when he learned he could take things instead of making an honest living.

Shermer and Dick are caught in a never-ending battle of good vs. evil. The problem now is that Dick has a son to take care of, and all the sassy black secretaries in the world can't keep him safe from Shermer and other nefarious foes.

At the end of every episode Dick and William will return to the office only to get zinged by Marion Ramsey. Through their battle scars and pain they will all laugh as the screen freezes and the credits roll.

They will say:
Created by Jacob F. Merch

Nobody can take that away from me!


  1. I watched that whole video and Dick Butkus was barely in it. Somehow that made it more enjoyable.

  2. "Dick never rapes. That's his motto, and that's what he tells the police."

    Ha. My favorite part of this ... although, that could be b/c I still don't know who Dick Butkus is.

  3. Thanks, Glenn.

    I had tried to look him up, but he was nowhere to be found on the one website that I really trust:

  4. Ha! Chickipedia is great! I needed to look up some hot women yesterday and didn't know where to go. Thanks Heather!

  5. The Quentin Tarantino/Superman simile should be in a book called Chicken Soup for the Simile Writer's Soul!

  6. wow, chickipedia is a great site, as is this idea for a sitcom.