Hi Katy - Issue 5

By Katy

Only four questions this time, and it's not because I'm lazy, it's because you're lazy. I waste precious blood and sweat every week to be haunted by the nightmares of your problems and what do I get? FOUR QUESTIONS? Now, I'm not angry. I am not angry. I'm freaking livid. That doesn't mean I don't still love you all, readers. Without hate how can we ever truly love? And I truly love you, but if you don't suck up your pride and e-mail me your deepest darkest secrets we're gonna have some serious problems soon. Okay, enjoy!!

Hi Katy,

I recently stumbled across your article while searching for information on the safest ways to cut myself. I was wondering if you had any insight into that? What should i use to kill the germs? I usually use fire, but it's really hot. I want to be cut, not burned. Thanks.

-Cut Nut
Hi Cut,

Just like sex, the safest way is to not do it. Also like sex, someone telling you that will not going to keep you from doing it. Though I myself enjoyed cutting during my middle school and partially in my high school years, I’ve been out of the trade for quite a while. Therefore I turned for some solid help from my ever so beloved co-workers. You know what they said? “Down the road, not across the street.” Could I make that up? I couldn’t, that’s why I stole that from them. In fact, this phrase seems to be extremely popular in what appears to be the entirety of Iowa. I guess just to break up the monotony of Iowa (and Nebraska) the locals either took up self-mutilation or created funny phrases about it!

I’d prefer to suggest the Secretary method to you. Rather than wasting time and blood releasing frustration and pent up angst through potential death, find another way to channel that habit: become a sex slave! Washing other people’s feet with no reward is really fun. Take up Pilates! I love Pilates; you can release negative energy while maintaining amazing posture. Scream into a pillow. Break into your loud, obnoxious neighbor's house and steal his DVDs of the worst movies every created. Once you get back to your apartment, randomly throw the discs against your adjoining wall whenever he gives you a moment of peace. Resolving of your frustrations while angering that bastard will have you tossing butterfly knives out in no time. Also, Mr. Magoo makes a wonderful ping noise.
Hi Katy,

While reminiscing on a baseball game I once saw with my father, one of the only times we ever did anything, I noticed something interesting. There was a man behind us who was polishing a gun. Later that night one of the baseball players was murdered after the game. Do you think I should go to the police, or was that just something I ate?

-Mulling Over Murder
Hi Murder,

If you went to a game where a man could sit out in the open of all the other prospectors polishing a gun without being stopped at the ticket line or taken away by security, you must have seen this game in the 1930’s. If you saw this game in the 1930’s, then you must be over 45, which means you don't know how to use a computer. If you can’t use a computer then you must have conned your grandson or great-grandson into e-mailing me, which means you got some poor kid caught up in all this mess.

If you couldn’t find the courage to come out about this more than 70 years ago then frankly, what’s the point. No one cares about murders that old unless they’re famous or involved career children. If you go to the police they’ll just laugh at you and you don’t need that kind of shame at this point in your age right? Don’t tell. Just pretend nothing happened and it was probably a dream. You’ll be much happier in your remaining months.
Hi Katy,

I know that you offer a lot of good advice about troubling roommates, and boy is mine a handful. First of all, he eats peanuts ALL THE TIME. I mean, come on dude, there's other fucking nuts. Secondly, he only listens to Morrissey, this jerk acts like the Smiths never existed. It's like listening to Doug Martsch's solo album but not listening to any Built to Spill. If that wasn't enough, he's always on his computer looking at upskirt photos and tossing off. Upskirt photos? What is this junior high. What should I do?

-Two's a Crowd
Hi Two,

I do give a lot of great advice about roommates, thank you. That’s because I’ve had two and a half roommates and have learned everything about roommates from them, from the very best to the most horrible, and this guy sounds like a HUGE douche. I’ve had to deal with people that aren’t aware of the Smiths and it is usually ends with a big bruise on my forehead from all that face-palming.

Take a breath. Roommates are only temporary. It doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes it’s best just to become a huge hermit and seclude yourself in your own bedroom, playing The Smiths and several other albums extremely loud in hopes of saving the roomie’s musical soul. Or, seclude yourself in someone else's bedroom. I’ve done this several times (that’s where the half comes from). Fall in love with the boy (or girl) upstairs and move right in. Meet a new friends on the other side of town and live there four out of five days. If you’re beautiful and brilliantly charming like I am, it’ll be no problem.

Hopefully you’re coming to the end of your lease and will be able to move soon (or get the lame-o to move soon). Until then find ways to avoid them, leave some passive aggressive notes hanging around and hide all of his Morrissey CDs. Who the hell wants to listen to only Morrissey, anyway? Write to MTV about a new reality show where you surprise roommates by throwing all their stuff out the window and cutting them out of the lease – you can kill two birds with one stone: one roommate gone and some cash in hand.
Hi Katy,

Did you ever see that one movie where the guy is framed by a man with one arm? I'm going crazy over the name of the parody of it. I think that guy from 2001: A Space Travesty was in it. Can you help?

-2009 A Question Travesty
Hi Travesty,

No, no I never saw that movie. In fact, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I did however spend about three minutes searching the Internet to figure it out and this is what I came up with:

Google first told me about One: A Space Odyssey, which was to be a one minute parody of 2001. I clicked on it but the website looked really boring so I stopped trying to find it on there.

I then looked at IMDB for movie connections to 2001. That is one of the longest pages the Internet has ever had. Honestly, there are more 2001 references on that page than I feel actually apply. Someone can cut that page down by 75% and it would still be a waste of time. I then selected three that I thought may be close to what you’re looking for: Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun(1999), Evil Cult (2003), Super Size Me (2004). I’m sure that will help but I sincerely hope it doesn’t.

Then Google took me to a Youtube video entitled Dragon Ball Z – 2001: Space Odyssey, which I’m assuming wasn’t what you were looking for, but it was fantastic nonetheless. I got so sucked into that 3.5 minute video I watched it twenty times and then just stopped searching Google for this crap. I can’t find it. Make me one and send it to me.


  1. That movie is Wrongfully Accused. You went about your searching all wrong.

  2. Best advice yet. I think it was Supersize Me.

  3. re: cutting advice.
    sorry, i was ignoring you at work, i'll chime in now... anyway, the "down the road, not across the street" (i'm fairly certain) is a quote from a movie... my quick Google search pulled pages of people quoting it, but no immediate results before boredom took hold.
    anyway, now depending on your motives and desired outcome i'd probably actually recommend cutting 'across the street' (ie- from one side of the wrist to the other) this is a pathetic 'oh look at me' cry for attention. for the more hardcore no bullshit, 'i wanna fuckin' die' approach, that's where you cut "down the road" (ie- from elbow to wrist)
    honestly though, why bother with either when the jugular would make such a badass statement.

  4. of course right after i walk away..... film = The Craft
    (although i'm sure the quote didn't originate there)

  5. I don't remember that from The Craft and I've watched movie over 200 times.

    If I had gone with suggesting several ways to kill yourself, yes, I would have gone jugular vein.. that or eating toothpaste. But this is a serious advice column Joseph, and people need some serious answers and watching Secretary is the best possible answer out there.

    But I very much appreciate your comments and hope you keep them comin'.

  6. I call "BS" on the Craft.

    And, everyone should watch Secretary just because it's awesome.

  7. Alright. Mids movie party so we can watch The Craft and settle this matter.


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