Tips on Surviving the Recession

By Jake

The recession: something you can't escape in America. Even if you have $700,000,000 the recession is going to hit you like a tsunami crashing into neo-futuristic Tokyo. For people like myself, those who have no money at all, we are going to be clawing at each other just to eat a dead rat's pelt. Hopefully, with my expert knowledge on being poor and staying alive, we will be able to avoid such situations. I will offer some tips that will help you ease your financial pressures during these difficult times.

  • If you are a meat eater, save bones for stock making. If you're not then perhaps you should stop buying veggie burgers and faux chicken wings and eat some actual vegetables. You will save hundreds of dollars doing this.

  • Instead of renting movies from Blockbuster Videos (if one even exists in your area still) I suggest that you get Netflix and stream movies and TV shows (it's a $9 base price). $9 is nearly the cost of renting a new release from Blockbuster for one night.

  • Instead of paying for prostitutes perhaps check out some streaming internet pornography. A popular site among the OYIT staff is Megarotic.

  • Turn your heat lower when you're not at home. When you're home try to keep it at a reasonable 65 degrees or lower. If you have babies, maybe give them up for adoption or send them to a rich uncle's house until the winter is over.

  • Instead of spending your tax refund on games for your Nintendo Wii and a Barely Legal magazine subscription, perhaps you could put the money in the bank.

  • If you have recently been laid off, take a week to complete all of those hard jigsaw puzzles you've been dying to crack open. Then start looking for work. You're not going to find it, so just keep doing puzzles (on your down time).

  • Instead of buying Subway everyday, go to the grocery store and buy yourself some bread and veggies. If you have a gift certificate to Subway, make sure that the store accepts it. I don't know how many times this has happened to Glenn.

  • Nobody pays for music and why should you? Get on Google Blog Search and find albums by your favorite artists. If you feel guilty, then send 20 cents to them, it's all they're getting per album anyway.

  • Eat nothing but rice.

  • If you see a homeless person, don't give them any money. Give them a hug instead. They'll appreciate it and you won't feel so guilty for living in a house.

  • If you don't mind getting raped, think about committing a crime and going to prison. You get free lodging and meals.

  • Volunteer in a soup kitchen, they'll probably let you eat some of the soup.

  • Play more chess.

  • Instead of throwing your pennies off of tall buildings or in the garbage, save them. They will eventually add up.

  • Cabbage is very inexpensive and lasts two weeks in the fridge. Eat as much cabbage as humanly possible.

  • If you must eat cheese, make sure you're buying shredded cheese and not fancy shredded cheese. This is no time for fancy shit.

  • I know Easter is coming up, but instead of getting Cadbury's Cream Eggs, get real eggs. Chicken eggs are cheaper and more nutritious.

  • When you go to sleep make sure you turn all of the lights off in your house.

  • If you go see professional wrestling, make sure to write on both sides of your posterboard, your sign budget will be slashed in half.

  • Never drive your car. Sell your car and stay at home. Better yet, steal somebody else's car and steal all of your gas.

  • Buy king size snicker bars. They are cheaper per ounce.

  • Instead of buying coffee at Starbucks, drink tap water: it doesn't cost $1,000!

  • Instead of playing Monopoly play a game of Battleship. Battleship doesn't draw attention to the lack of real money you now have.

    I hope these tips serve you well, they served me better than a moderately intelligent high school graduate serves the in the US military under the guise of getting money for college. Hopefully you don't kill yourself because of the losing your job and family, but if you do please don't tell them it was because of this article-- especially if it actually was.


  1. I bought cabbage yesterday and used it to make eggrolls.

  2. i knew this chic once who went on an all rice diet for awhile. she said it kept her pleasantly plump, it was cheap, and there are many things one can add to rice that don't cost much (or can be found in your local campus's cafeteria).
    also, let's be honest doll, there is no substitute for coffee itself. however, one can use their speedy rewards to purchase coffee that may not taste like starbucks, but it's got probably close to the same amount of caffeine.

  3. When I was little I only ate rice for a little while because I thought that was all Chinese people had to eat. Then the Chinese Restaurant opened up in town.