One Week in Entertainment [4-11-09]

By Kaleena

Did you enjoy Jake taking my place last week? TOO BAD! I'm back and we'll all just have to deal with it - preferably outside of therapy. I just can't afford it right now.

  • After 28 years, Metallica will finally be inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. So soon? Congratulations!

  • Madonna's most recent adoption attempt was rejected because she didn't want to spend the required 18-24 months in Malawi that would allow her to bring home the baby girl she wanted so badly. Don't feel bad for Madonna - she could fucking buy Malawi.

  • Sarah Palin's sister-in-law was arrested for burglary. Way to dodge another bullet America - phew!

  • Michelle Obama presented France's own mistress, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, with an acoustic Gibson guitar. She then borrowed Carla's guitar and together they played a riveting rendition of Led Zepplin's Black Dog.

  • Amy Winehouse is back in her own private rehab, St. Lucia. She is planning another album and living past 27.

  • Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's body guards are accused of shooting at some paparazzi. Now, I hate paparazzi, but they really don't deserve to die, necessarily.

  • America's Next Top Model is going to give their search in NYC another shot. They will target a kinder, gentler NYC. The Bronx and Harlem are in contention.

  • Gertrude Baines of Los Angeles, CA turned 115 - making her the oldest person alive. She is quoted as saying "Of all the people in the world, why do I have to be the one? I didn't ask for this." It's possibly the saddest quote from an oldest-person alive I've ever heard. Regardless, happy birthday and I hope whatever you really wish for comes true for you.

  • While Madonna was busy jet-setting home, the little girl she was "attempting" to adopt had her father step forward and say he wanted to raise the daughter he thought had died with her mother. Now that's love. I hope it works out Mr.Kambewa.

  • Robert Downey Jr. turned 44. Happy birthday you sexy, sexy man who I will forever be impressed with.

  • Kendra Wilkinson didn't know she needed a postage stamp to mail things. It's okay, Winona Ryder didn't know you had to pay for things at one point. Everyone makes mistakes.

  • Lindsay Lohan and her d.j. girlfriend have broken up. For good? I hope not - what man would have her now?

  • Chris Brown plead 'not guilty' in the Rhianna case. In related news, Rhianna is pressing charges against herself for instigating Chris Brown into beating her silly.

  • Anna Farris's fiance bought her a pug-puppy, which she named 'Bonzo'. They say raising a puppy together helps in preparation for child-rearing. As long as you don't name the kid 'Bonzo' or teach it to shit outside, you should be fine.

  • Eminem's newest video makes fun of just about every celebrity you can think of. I like this new face of Em.

  • Nicole Ritchie's auctioning off her daughter's out-of-date baby clothes for charity. Baby No.2 will just have to settle for brand new threads from her mom's baby-line, already in progress - or is it?

  • Kim Kardashian says she's not insulted by Eminem's blast at her ass in his new video. Watch it, Em. She is a gypsy after all and you never know if that headache is just from a come-down or her gypsy-voodoo needles.

  • The Jonas Brothers reveal surprises about themselves. Well...what do you think?

  • Madonna donated money to the Italian region of Abruzzo after the hamlet of the province Pacentro made a public plea to her. She laid a golden egg which she had over-nighted. When the egg hatched, it brought all the dead back to life and un-did all the devastation. Next stop - Malawi for reconciliation.

  • Hugh Jackman's miffed over the leak of the Wolverine movie. I am relieved as now I will be able to perform all my own stunts with the cues and clues that it is supposed to reveal.

  • Let me pull my foot out of my mouth...ahhh! I guess Madonna's still fighting to adopt little Mercy. Good luck and I am so sorry because I'm sure you read this and were really hurt my by earlier comments.

  • Billy Bob Thorton is an asshole and proved it when he kept comparing himself to Tom Petty in a radio-show interview he did earlier this week. Tom Petty is awesome. Billy Bob's lyrical ability isn't even on the level of most high-schoolers I've heard at coffee shop open mic nights.

  • Miley Cyrus admits to snooping through her boy's cell phone. She's looking for the hottest opportunity for a threesome, fearing her end is near.

  • Liam Neeson is set to play Zeus in the upcoming Clash of the Titans. Keep moving forward because you are very awesome and made me consider joining the CIA as long as I can torture and severely punish the lowest shit of human-kind.

  • American Capt. Richard P. Phillips attempts to escape from his pirate captors. Dude, don't! Seriously, they're pirates! Watch Taken on your cell and get some hints before you try anything stupid.

  • Carrie Underwood actually admitted to grocery shopping in sweats. Gross! I want to know where this takes place so I am sure not to walk into this unfortunate situation.

    Well, I think that's all I can muster for this week. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I enjoyed it. I am almost in convulsions just wondering what could possibly happen within the next week. Until next time!


    1. That Billy Bob interview was just an act. Also, why no mention of the new Cam'ron song "Chalupa"? Cam isn't as big as Em to you?

    2. I enjoyed Jake taking your place but also enjoyed you coming back. I'm just full of joy - because you love Robert Downey Jr.

    3. Winehouse living past 27--good observation. And man, Eminem making fun of celebrities? What *is* this world coming to?

    4. yeah - acting is really the only thing billy bob can do well.
      glenn, i'm glad you are filled with joy.

    5. Yeah! Hey Billy Bob, you know why they wouldn't mention Tom Petty wasn't an Oscar winning actor? Because he WASN'T. It's not like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers got to where they are because the Heartbreakers were musically talented and Tom Petty had a lot of Hollywood connections. Tell it Kal

    6. BTW Slingblade is my favorite movie of all time. I remember watching for the first time in 8th grade and relating to the Doyle-Linda-Frank dynamic in a way that no movie has so effectively portrayed since. And Billy-Bob's character and his relationship with Frank and the whole story was absolute genius. I will never understand the consistent devolution of Billy Bob's career.

    7. Speaking of Billy Bob's character, he is afraid of antique furniture and midgets. That is true. He is a really weird guy.

    8. No no, that was Dwight Yoakam's character who was afraid of antique furniture and migdets as well as 'retards'. Rather he wasn't afraid of them as much as he could not eat in their presence

    9. From Wikipedia:
      Thornton has repeatedly stated that he has obsessive-compulsive disorder. He and rock singer Warren Zevon became close friends after sharing their common experiences with the disorder. Various idiosyncratic behaviors have been well-documented in interviews with the actor; among these is a phobia of antique furniture — a disorder shared by the Dwight Yoakam character in the Thornton-penned Sling Blade, and by Thornton's own character in the 2001 film Bandits. Additionally, he has stated that he has a fear of certain types of flatware, a trait assumed by his character, Hank Grotowski, in 2001's Monster's Ball, in which Grotowski insists on a plastic spoon for his daily bowl of chocolate ice cream. In a 2004 interview with The Independent, Thornton explained: "It's just that I won't use real silver. You know, like the big, old, heavy-ass forks and knives, I can't do that. It's the same thing as the antique furniture. I just don't like old stuff. I'm creeped out by it, and I have no explanation why...I don't have a phobia about American antiques, it's mostly French — you know, like the big, old, gold-carved chairs with the velvet cushions. The Louis XIV type. That's what creeps me out. I can spot the imitation antiques a mile off. They have a different vibe. Not as much dust." In addition to his aversion to silver cutlery, velvet, and "creepy, castle-y stuff," Thornton confesses that "pieces from 1700 and 1800 France and England really freak me out, especially harpsichords."

    10. Ha! WOw, I did not realize. Thank you Jake for putting in the minute of research it would take to find out that BBT's characters' insane flaws and phobias were based on his personal experience. It also makes it much more understandable that an idiot who is afraid of French and English furniture and harpsichords would hate Canada for arbitrary reasons..

    11. i've known he was afraid of that shit since he was married to angeline jolie. this is because i am quite obsessed with the actress and followed her every tabloid-reported move for the longest time (including the present). she dug antiques, but he didn't. he left her after she bought what he referred to as a "haunted French piece of shit dresser or something like that".