Hi Katy - Issue XVII

By Katy

Another day another dollar, right folks? That is unless you're not getting paid to write advice columns (ahem, Jake.) I don't know about you, faithful readers, but I have definitely fallen on hard times. So hard, in fact, that my laptop flipped me off today when I asked it to preform the simple job of turning on. Lucky for me, however, I have you and this advice column to keep me away from the cyanide quietly awaiting the time my debt reaches -$10,000. Let's hope we reach Volume II of Hi Katy before such an end befalls us. Kindly enjoy this week's Hi Katy and keep sending me your questions along with some charitable donations.

Hi Katy,
My wife has been asking me to go bungee jumping with her. I don't want to go, really. I keep deflecting by saying, "Bungee jumping? What is this--1992?" I don't know how long this deflection will be able to hold weight. Should I just suck it up and do it?
-Bungee Billy

Hi Billy,
Wellm you certainly have the right idea. The easiest way to get out of anything potentially unfun or scary is to date said activity. I'm surprised your wife even bothers to ask you go to anymore. If I was her, I'd be so tired of that response I'd just let it to--but most women do not let things go.

I'd like to bring you the following advice in the form of a synopsis from season eight, episode twenty-one of Full House: Leap of Faith. This episode has it all! The Counting Crows, DJ losing her virginity, Bob Saget's two days of sobriety, and most importantly, bungee jumping. If you'll recall, the episode begins with an especially fascinating episode of Wake Up, San Fransisco, wherein Danny and Becky meet a feisty, old trollop named Edna. Edna is like... sixty-five and crazy old, but she still gets down with the best of them. She invites Danny and Becky to go bungee jumping and while Danny declines based on neurosis, Becky sees an opportunity to prove her vagina isn't dried up yet!

On said day Becky is suppose to take her jump in front of the Wake Up team, Jesse goes down to the bridge to dissuade her of this deathly feat. Instead of Becky leaving with Jesse, they BOTH get pushed over that bridge and together find a magical moment in the bobbing of their two forms.

If this isn't the best way to tell you to give it a shot, I'm out of answers. I know you'll have a lot of fun bungee jumping because Jesse had a lot of fun bungee jumping and it's something that could really have screwed up his hair. Though, at the same time it is a little odd that Jesse was so frightened by this event, yet, the day of his wedding he jumped out of a plane with Joey. BUT, that is a question to mull over another day. For now, suit up champ, it's time to live life to its fullest.

Hi Katy,
A good friend of mine recently got divorced from his wife. It was kind of a nasty split up--she found out that he was cheating on her. Am I still allowed to be friends with her? I wouldn't go hang out with her probably, but maybe call her and say hi once in a while. What do you think Hi Katy?"
-Friendly Fred

Hi Fred,
Glad you asked. This is just one of those many areas of social living where certain rules come into play. First and foremost, it's important whether or not this person was your friend pre- or post-intimate relations with your friend. If she's been a friend all along then why shouldn't you keep in contact? If they're someone you ended up dealing with on account they were married to your buddy, well that's different.

Given the terms of their divorce, you're not really turning on your friend by keeping in contact with this woman, because she didn't do the horrible thing that ended in divorce. However, if you're closer with the husband, it may be a good idea to just find out whether or not he's bothered should you keep on good terms with his ex.

You should also consider, because it's so early in the break-up, are you going to be in the middle of these two? With anger and sadness and other emotions still flaring, and your unfortunate role as the mutual friend, you may find both parties lay their troubles on you loudly and often. You don't want to be the guy stuck in the he said/she said clusterfuck.

I think you should at least get to step one; make sure your friend is okay if you keep in contact with that "uptight, resentful bitch," and then make sure your contact stays pretty minimal and acquaintance like. Throw a message up on her Facebook wallboard here and there, but be careful to stay away from phrases like, "how are you?" "what have you been up to?" "how's it hangin' killer?" as these questions open an all out therapy session you're not prepared to administer. Instead, try asking her how work is going or if she has children, if they're aging well. DO NOT become a shoulder she can cry on, or she might cry her way right onto your penis...then your problems will become endless. Happy chatting!

Hi Katy,
I have recently become a vegetarian and I love a good soup. Do you have any great soup recipes that are nutritious and vegetarian?
-Veggie Val

Hi Val,
I went with an oldie but a goodie, a nice vegetable soup recipe. But with vegetable soup recipes you can find a lot of misses as well as a lot of hits, so I wasted no time paying my grandfather a visit and requesting a play-by-play of his soup recipe. He's well revered in the family for being the most fantastic veggie soup maker of all time, and I'm now here to share this rather simplistic and delicious Sprague family secret with you fine people.

  • 6 cups of water
  • 1 whole onion, diced
  • 3 carrots, chopped
  • 2 cans diced tomatoes
  • 2 stocks of celery, chopped
  • 3 medium potatoes, chopped
  • 1 can green beans, knifed
  • salt and pepper

    You'll have to decide whether you're committing to the use of a crock pot or just dutch ovenin' it, old style. Personally, I'm a big fan of cooking for several hours unattended. First, grill the onions up all awesome and delicious, maybe add some fresh minced garlic, if you're into that kind of thing.

    While that's grilling up, make use of your blender or Magic Bullet and blend one can of diced tomatoes until soupy. Add water, blended tomatoes, nonblended diced tomatoes, carrots, and celery. If your potatoes are chopped rather large, go ahead and add them as well. If you prefer smaller, bitable chunks of potato, wait about fifteen minutes to add to your soup.

    When all the vegetables are just about thoroughly cooked, open up a can of green beans, use your knife to chop them up a bit, and add water and all to your soup. Add salt and pepper to taste. Enjoy soupy deliciousness.

    Hi Katy,
    I'm the guy who wrote in about the flat tire. Your advice saved my life. I have another question (non-tire related): Is pulling out good enough for birth control? There is a really great chance that I have a low sperm count due to having an STD that can run havoc on your reproductive system. I mean, condoms don't feel good to me and I can barely stay hard in them. I wouldn't want my lover to use birth control pills because of the way they mess with hormones. I know you're the only one who can help.
    -Pull Out Paul

    Hi Paul,
    Goodness, gracious, where to start? Pulling out is not a sure-fire (no pun intended) method for anti-babies. Granted, it's like... 98% effective, but that leaves 2% room for error.

    Now, if you have an STD that's slowly eating away at your reproductive system that you've ALREADY given to your lover, you may be in luck because it's eating away at their reproductive system as well. Nevertheless, you may want to have that checked out. It's pretty easy to deal with the majority of STDs these days and no one wants to get that crap from you, sir.

    I understand, as much as one without a penis can, that condoms are uncomfortable and not the happiest form of birth control. I'm not even going to touch on this because for you, I have a much better idea.

    Since you're so concerned with the comfort (and sexual desires) of your partner, let's look at how you can reduce pregnancy oppsies. Vasectomy. Get one. I think you have to be like... 26 or have had two children to get one, but I'm sure you can find some back alley surgeon that will do the surgery if you're too young. It's a decently simple procedure and should you choose to idiotically procreate at a later time, you can have the surgery reversed. Hopefully, you have enough of a reproductive system left to accomplish this feat. Enjoy your snippage.

    Hi Katy,
    Can you settle a bet that my friend Pay and I made? I say that trains are the best form of public transportation, but he says buses are? I think he's a moron, but what do you think?
    -Betting Bobby

    Hi Bobby,
    Yes, I can settle a bet that you and your friend Pay made, by proving you both right. I, too, took a few minutes to consider the wonder of these two machines of mass transit, and upon doing so came to a conclusion.

    Trains are best for long distance travel and buses are best for metro transit.

    I came to this conclusion by first considering inner city travel. While trains are quite handy, it's uncomfortable to traverse into the depths of the city to await their approach, plus you lose at least ten dollars giving poor people a reason to live while you're down there. Once everyone piles on this dirty underground shaft of doom, you either sit on a hard, plastic chair next to someone muttering about killing all bananas, or you must stand in the aisle grasping a sperm covered pole with your crotch in a hipster's pretentious face. And yes, it's not as though the bus boasts any sort of superior cleanness, but you deal with less people and usually take a shorter ride.

    The opposite, however, applies to long distance traveling. It all comes down to Greyhound v. Amtrak. Greyhound is the fucking nastiest option for travel short of raping truck drivers. The buses smell like urine and the people smell like poverty. Amtrak is definitely the way to go. It's more comfortable, there's alcohol and food, and you can even splurge for a bed.

    So, Bobby, I hope you two can call it a draw and see that there are good and bads aspects towards both forms of travel. Argue about something else.

    Hi Katy,
    I don't know any foreign languages, but feel like I should. What is your favorite foreign language? I'd like to learn whatever you like the most.
    -Foreign Phil

    Hi Phil,
    I suppose my most favorite foreign language is American Sign Language, but I only say that because I wasted a college education on it. I mean, it's pretty and all and it's helpful when communicating with a very small portion of the population and it's way cool and all, but it doesn't exactly sound pretty.

    I think everyone should learn Spanish, at least, because Hispanics are now the number one minority in the United States and it comes in handy far more often than most. I also recommend German, it's a fairly simple language to learn. Also, I'm very partial to Dutch, but it's a crazy hard language to learn. Why don't you give that one a shot and then teach me what you learn. Good luck.

    That's it for the week (unless I unleash another halfsies issue on you again.) Take care of each other and love like you've never loved before.

    Send questions and money to katy@oneyearintexas.com


    1. I don't make any money from OYIT either. If I did I would share it.

    2. The opposite, however, applies to long distance traveling. It all comes down to Greyhound v. Amtrak. Greyhound is the fucking nastiest option for travel short of raping truck drivers. The buses smell like urine and the people smell like poverty. Amtrak is definitely the way to go. It's more comfortable, there's alcohol and food, and you can even splurge for a bed. Katy at her best.

    3. yes, hi katy. longtime listener, first time caller. i have some pertinent info to add to the bus/train debate that bobby and pay (what a weird name?) were having. i am currently recovering from a 19 hr amtrak ride from MO to NM and i can confirm that people smell like poverty and pee on trains, too. also, the woman sitting in the chair in front of you will burp and mumble to herself the whole 19 hours. also, there will be strange hippie girls from hammond, indiana (of all places! right, jake and kaleena?!) who will keep you up all night talking about their favorite pair of grateful dead converse shoes that got so stinky at various musical festivals that they had to throw them away. but all in all, i completely agree with you as usual: bus short distance, train long distance.

    4. i took a train from oregon to chicago. it took three days and i would do it over and over again despite the fact they had no blankets so i was freezing at night. but along the way a train de-railed so we had to switch trains. there was a prarie fire so we had to stop and wait until the flames and smoke died down before we could continue. i stepped off the train for a cigarette and could feel the heat from the fire added to the already intense summer sun. i also got stuck talking to a crazy girl who whored herself out (but didn't consider it whoring because she was friends with all the men she accepted money from for sex) to get back to chicago so she and her old band could re-unite. i got a crush on a gay guy but we ended up train buddies anyway.
      all in all - katy's got it down; trains for cross-country, busses for across town.

    5. gr8 advice to friendly fred! and i'm going to try that vegetable soup. also, i used to take amtrak every weekend, and i'd suggest it solely for the fact that most people traveling belong to two of my favorite groups 1) prisoners - as in literal prisoners, being transported to different jails and b) the amish.

      at least that's how it is in MO.

    6. Katy, I just read this today (sorry!) and it was great. Probably the best Hi Katy so far. You were in top form. Can't wait for tomorrow's issue.