Tuesday Debate: Should Glenn Have Been Online 10 Hours Earlier to Debate in This Article?

By Glenn, Jake and Maddie

Today was like any other Tuesday, except Glenn was too busy packing to come online to debate, until now (9:30). I have been drinking since 7 and am currently on beer three, but will probably be one beer six by the end of the debate. This is a debate on whether Glenn should have been online earlier so we could have debated something normally like we usually do, or was he right to put his personal business ahead of One Year in Texas' most popular feature, the debate.

Jake (Pro): I understand that it's important for Glenn to pack and get ready to move so he can finally go work. Yet, I feel that if he has the time to be online at 9:30 he could have just as well been packing now and been debating earlier, at a much more sober time for myself. It's Cinco de Mayo, and I obviously want to celebrate Mexico's defeat of Frech forces. I'm a normal American male, like a Scotty Riggs-type. Glenn most likely has nothing left to do today besides listen to Bright Eyes, Fleet Foxes and Blind Melon, yet he could not find the time to even begin the debate this morning. I was around all day and even emailed back and forth with Glenn. I then grilled some trout (which was great) and watched Raw (which was awful). Glenn just got online and expects me to debate who the sexiest Supreme Court justice of all time is, well fuck that.

Glenn (Con): First of all, I never said we had to debate the sexiest Supreme Court justice explicitly. I merely told you that out of all the possible replacements for David Souter I thought Elena Kagan was the best looking and then used the winking emoticon at you. I understand why you think that if I can be online now, why couldn't I have been online later? I've just been thrown through a loop since I got this job and found out I have to move to the other side of the country and shave my beard in only a few days. From the comfort of your computer chair that might sound easy but for someone in a wheelchair it's very difficult. I'm not in one, but you can see how this relates. I admit that I listened to both Bright Eyes and Fleet Foxes, but that was AS I was doing things like cleaning out my car or burning old love letters I got from Soleil Moon Frye, who played Punky Brewster. I have also showed great restraint by even DOING this debate instead of getting drunk tonight - as many caucasian people with fictional Latino roots traditionally do on a horrible night like this.

Jake (Pro): First of all, I find it very hard to believe that you would receive love letters from a classic beauty like Soleil Moon Frye, but that point withstanding I still feel like you could have easily been online earlier. You obviously had the time to email me and probably 10 others every time they sent you a titillating electronic message. Your "restraint" is clearly nothing but bupkis as I am now on beer #4 and am showing more intellect than a bear around a beehive. Elana Kagan is at best a butter face, my winking emoticon was nothing but a ruse to try to lure you online to debate me on any subject. We could have easily "banged one out" (in a non-masturbatory way) earlier while you putting your old wrestling VHS'es into boxes while I'm working on my side, then coming back to the computer for 15 minutes (at most) at a time to put your side up. We could have had our debate up at 6pm, just as I was eating my delicious trout dinner and watching a terrible episode of Raw.

Glenn (Con): If that debate had been up at 6pm with the topic you suggested "In this time of economic downturn, should child molestation be acceptable?" then middle class families across the country would have sat down to dinner, turned on their computer and be shocked and repulsed by a debate that was just too honest for these hard economic times. Speaking of hard economic times, I wish you could be more supportive of me getting my dream job as I would if you finally got your dream job of being Andy Griffith's personal assistant. Just like in any relationship, being supportive here means agreeing with me when I'm being illogical and not criticizing me when I'm wrong. Any woman can tell you that, even Maddie. As for the emails you mention, it is one thing for me to reply to an email on my Blackberry while in the midst of ironing and quite another for me to power up my supercomputer from 1955 and try to write a debate using binary code. The only thing I will concede is that I can step away from the computer and return, like the proverbial father who "steps out for milk" and doesn't come back until his son is in his 20s and has money he thinks he can steal.

Jake (Pro): While I obviously think child molestations is wrong, I do think that in these financial times the laws should be a little looser as child molesters are a large part of our economy. Without child molesters Toys R Us would be even more out of business than they already are, there would be no market for Gak (or Gak's cousin Gooze) and The Jonas Brothers would only be gold instead of multi-platinum. I mean, we could sit here and debate whether child molestation is acceptable in this economic downturn, but that's unfortunately not what we're here for. Instead we're stuck debating whether you should have been online earlier, which I still say "yes" to. While you were ironing I was listening to a speed merengue mix. I could have been packing and ironing, too. I wasn't because I was waiting for you to come online. I was sitting here in my computer chair, going blind looking at my monitor and listening to said mix. Here I am now, watching American Dad instead of UFC while Kaleena plays solitaire (with actual cards!!!) waiting for me to finish this debate. I can't even eat my gaucamole that I made because I'm too busy typing this rebuttal. While were living it up, ironing and listening to the Fleet Foxes (which I didn't even like and deleted after one listen) I was sitting here wishing I could debate somebody, but instead of asking Maddie to debate I just sulked.

Glenn (Con): I'm sorry that you sulked, though if you did I hope you were listening to Sulk by Radiohead off the Bends while you did it. While it's too early to make grand claims, this could be our last debate forever - or at least for a while. I'm glad we were finally able to bring up Toys R(backwards) Us but sad that such a previously strong toy store has fallen so low. In a way, the rise and fall of Toys R(backwards) Us is a metaphor for our lives, though I couldn't begin to know how. This is not the best debate we've had, but I feel that because I was away from the computer and ironing so furiously during the day today, like some listless meth addict, has given us an extra zeal for tonight's discussion. If I was online, after all, we couldn't be having this debate at all. In spite of your dislike of indie darlings Fleet Foxes I will be sad to possibly not be debating with you anymomre and am glad we could at least go out with a bang. The idea of someone playing solitaire with real cards seems as anachronistic and charming as two men, jobless and online, debating the most important cultural topics of the week. That is what we tried to do here and that is why I waited 10 hours to being and now end this debate.

Maddie's Take:First of all, discliamser: I am drunk like Jake so I may havea few typoes.
When Glen first got onlinee this is what happened:
me: have u packed a lot today??
Glenn: eh not really
me: wtf!
Glenn: it's more like cleaning so far
That “eh not really” dos more for Jake’s debat than anything. If Glenn is “not really” packing ands only cleaning, I don’t see whys he couldntve gotten online a little sooner to starrt the debate. But theen again, I am the strongst supporter of Glenn and his new jobb, so anything he does in relationm to that is good to me. If Glen told Jake he would b online at 5 and wasn’t, then thaat is WRONG! So worng!! But I’m sorry Jake, just for thee fact that Glenn called me a woman—a landmrk in our friendship—I am rewardingf him the winner of this debatew. Happye Cinco De May!


  1. everytime jake mentions glenn + blind melon it's an automatic LOL for me. i'm listening to fleet foxes right now though.

  2. I don't think listening to Fleet Foxes is anywhere near as bad as Blind Melon. I just didn't like Fleet Foxes when I listened to it, even if Pfork j/o's to them.

  3. ha! this is the best debate ever! i sort of have to take glenn's side since he is the only one i know IRL, but even if i didn't know him IRL i would probably take his side. A) because i have a crush on him and want to impress him and B) because HE'S MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN TWO DAYS and should spend every free moment packing or cleaning.

    jake, you hating fleet foxes possibly affects our ability to play literati together. :(


  5. “[A]nywhere near as bad as [listening to] Blind Melon”? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I seem to remember, on October 21, 1995, a much younger and more innocent Jake crying on my shoulder saying, “I don’t know where to go from here.” So don’t come down on Glenn just because he’s brave enough to admit to feeling a connection with (arguably) the greatest American songwriter of the nineties that was taken from us to soon (I miss you Shannon) by returning to their music week after week.

    And I know for a fact that you dream of the day you get to join Devon Sawa and Elder Pete in that music montage from Slackers.

    And speaking of j’ing/o… let’s not forget the poster that hung above your bed until you moved in with Kaleena. http://www.mtv.com/photos/the-bee-girl-15-years-later/1601071/3461308/photo.jhtml

  6. what do you mean 'until you moved in with kaleena?' do you even know how many countless hours we spent digging through the dusty poster boxes and yes, sometimes dumpsters, of used record stores just to FIND another one of those f*ng posters? the things i do for love.
    though that never really happened, i find it important to say i would also never actually go digging for that poster. i would just order it online or print it piece by piece from some site where they do that sort of thing.
    anyway, good debate. hilarious type-o's and good luck glen!


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