Showing posts with label Maddie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maddie. Show all posts

I Hate You If...

By Jake (first 10) and Maddie (last 10) 



You comment on songs on Last.fm or MP3 blogs as if the artists read them.

You devote your entire life to reglion.

You don't use your turn signal while driving.

You don't recycle.

You're fat, but you still drink regular instead of diet soda.

You and your twin created your own language.

You make a living by playing video games.

You make a living by playing a card game.

You're not a fan of Life with Mikey.

You hunt animals as a sporting event.

----
You hate Jake.

You killed Martin Luther King Jr.

You wear an ironic mustache for over two months.

You masturbate in public.

You didn't cry during Million Dollar Baby.

You aren't following Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) on Twitter.

Your favorite David Bowie song is "Dancing in the Street."

Your favorite Mick Jagger song is "Dancing in the Street."

You watch the Oscars "just for the fashion."

You TIVO Veronica's Closet reruns.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue VI]

By Katy



Hi Katy,
Can you give me some gardening advice? I want to start a garden when it starts getting warm outside but I don't know where to begin.
-Greenthumb Gil

Hi Gil,

I would start with some land. Some land that you can cultivate. Since I don't know where in the world you're writing from, I don't know what sort of land you're farming and therefore, it's difficult to be more specific so I'll start with something simple and universal.

To till or not to till?

There's a lot to be said for the advantages of tilling versus not tilling. This Wikipedia article offers some general tilling pros:

  • Plowing loosens and aerates the soil which in turn facilitates deeper penetration of roots. A drawback is the compaction of the lower layers of soil.[citation needed]
  • It helps in the growth of microorganisms present in the soil and thus, maintains the fertility of the soil, though fertility can decline as microorganisms' boom period after tilling is followed by a bust period. It is debatable whether worms benefit or suffer from tillage.[citation needed]
  • It helps in the mixing of organic matter(humus)and nutrients evenly throughout the soil.

    • The no-till method has shown increasing emergence in the agricultural world because it's greatly beneficial to soil quality by increasing the amount of water and decreasing erosion. It also prevents the compacting of soil that is caused by tilling.

    Do some research on this stuff, let me know where you live, and we can get down to the dirty truth of garden starting.

    hi k8y
    i just heard of this website called www.twitter.com do u know anything about it i think it looks kind of kewl but idk 4 sure lol do u have 1? also is it safe to have sex w/ no saran wrap or condom if i havent gotten my period yet? lol
    -tweet tweet like a bird

    Hi Tweet,

    I was an avid Twitterer (Tweater, if you will) for a solid week and a half about six months ago. It was really great and I was able to find out absolutely everything Glenn and Jacob and OYIT were doing during the day. I'd wake up at 10PM and go through three dozen text messages detailing Jake's latest meal or Glenn's re-tweets to Nate. It was exhilarating, and taking up a great deal of texts messages.

    I had considered, just yesterday, getting rid of my Twitter altogether because I just don't use it. I have status updates, OYIT updates, Gmail Buzz updates, text messaging, e-mails, a life, etc. BUT, Twitter is nice to keep up on my latest Joss news without the inconvenience of having to visit whedonesque directly. So, should you get a Twitter account? I think everything I've said this far answers to a very obvious, "Of coruse." Everyone has Twitter, man, get with the program.

    As for your saran wrap/condom question. If you haven't gotten your period yet then you're already pregnant with triplets. Of course you can have sex without a condom and be okay.

    hi katy,
    i'm a 20-year-old who lives in a really big city. it's hard to meet people here! especially since i hate/judge 76% of the population three minutes into a conversation. do you have any advice? besides getting over myself?
    -Who Am I Kidding This is Maddie

    Hi Maddie,

    Oh Maddie, such bravery it takes to come out so boldly.

    I think you're missing the bigger picture here. You have the good fortune to find yourself in a city amongst millions of other people who hate/judge at the very LEAST 76% of the population three minutes into a conversation. In fact, you've probably met several people you could have been friends with but they didn't like you because they hate blogs and you immediately told them you write for OYIT. It's understandable.

    The good news is that you have a real opportunity here to meet the perfect people you should be surrounded by. If you can get past that three minutes of conversation, and you and said other person find each other tolerable, you'll probably have everything else ever in common.

    Some ways of meeting people:

  • OKCupid: This is a really easy way to meet people even though you'll probably hate almost all of them. I certainly did. If a jewel manages to get through to you on the vast vastness of the Internets, they're a keeper.
  • Speed Dating: Since you only have one minute with each person, you won't have to worry about hating them right away. YOu can save this for your first and last date.
  • Volunteer: I suggest you volunteer somewhere you really care about, that way when you meet other people, you'll know you share at least one common interest, or choose a site ripe with criminal offenders working off their community service.
  • Get a Job: 89% of my romantic and platonic relationships have been with my co-workers from various jobs. It feels really pathetic, but it's better than being pathetic and alone.
  • Get a dog: and walk it. People in NYC love dogs and walking them and seeing other people walk dogs. It's the number one way people meet other people (and dogs) in the Big Apple. If you really want to draw some attention, get a sloth and walk it.
  • Go to a Show: No, I don't mean take in a movie or spend $200 on Mamma Mia! tickets, I mean go to a show wherein bands you like play. People with similar music taste usually share other common interests. Get drunk, try some drugs, and taking to people will be as easy as vomiting in a dank and remote corner.
  • Home Depot": or another home improvement store. Men like to improve things; homes, cars, j/o techniques, women, and television sizes. You'll have quite the pick at a store like this, plus, you already know they can help out around the house.
  • Central Park: prior to 8PM is a nice place to act out a romantic movie fantasy. You can accidentally bump into several people, judge them immediately, and carry on a conversation based on those judgments. If you hate 'em, yell at them for bumping into you.
  • Sex In The City For Real: I found this article I hope will help you, not necessarily because you're looking for sex OR women, but because it lists off the exact TYPES of people you'll find wandering around these places. I hope you like yuppies and hipsters. They're EVERYWHERE in New York.

    I hope this helps Maddie, otherwise you'll welcome to live with me in Iowa.

    • OYIT New Year's Resolutions


    Tonight is New Year's Eve, the third most magical day in December (following Christmas and Boxing Day). Part of the magic of New Year's Eve is making, and then quickly breaking, resolutions. Though there was intense debate on if you release your resolutions before the "new year," the staff decided to list the five things we wanted to do differently in 2010. If you have a New Year's resolution of your own, please post it in the comment section or write it on a piece of paper and bury it in a nearby Jewish cemetery.

    Jake 

  • Get 10,000 followers on Twitter and tell them what I ate for breakfast every day.

  • Read a book.

  • Watch every episode of Who's the Boss?

  • Write a script for a sitcom about a guy who opens a computer repair shop in the heart of Amish country.

  • Buy a new pair of sunglasses.

    Mikey

  • Eat at Arby's more than 102 times (my current record).

  • Remember my anniversary for once.

  • Play a video game with my son. I don't have to win, just not embarrass myself. Maybe I should practice.

  • Listen to at least one album that comes out in 2010. Hopefully Hootie is releasing a new one.

  • Eat less omelets and more frittatas.

    Maddie

  • Lose 200 pounds

  • Take and use one of the Hollywood Tan coupons the man on 6th Ave always tries to give me

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine

  • Find a husband

  • Hate even MORE people/things for irrational reasons

    Glenn

  • Convince everyone I know that the end of the decade is one year from now, not today.

  • Become a pet owner in a desperate attempt to fill an emotional void in my life.

  • Chat online less, but with more people.

  • Don't gain one more pound from eating Sour Patch Kids, unless it's muscle.

  • Start my new gender reassignment cruise business.

    Bub

  • Kill something.

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

  • Start a new dance craze - the whirling phlebotomist.

  • Pee on command.

  • Start a rival TV network to Oprah's channel that broadcasts everything on Oprah's channel but instead of the actual audio, the song 'I Like To Move It' will be played on a loop.

    Hot Rod

  • Kill something.

  • Be Jesus.

  • Turn Rock 'n' Roll into a candy.

  • Make a wife out of cigarettes.

  • Buy my mom something nice.

    Nate
  • I resolve to donate $100 to every Tea Party candidate running for Congress.

  • End don't Ask Don't Tell, close Gitmo, and end the War in Iraq by the end of the year.

  • I resolve to get into shape by swimsuit season.

  • I resolve to stop writing "Happy Birthday" on Facebook walls.

  • I resolve to build a better Build-A-Bear.

  • I resolve to end my fingernail chewing habit by carrying finger nail clippers with me wherever I go.

  • I resolve to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the US by 0.913% by getting a vasectomy.

    • 20 Things I'd Rather do than see GI Joe

    By Glenn

    GI Joe is one of those "once in a lifetime" movies. Like the time I was robbed at knife point while shirtless in downtown Columbia, Missouri, I know that seeing GI Joe is something that will only happen once and never again - no matter how many times I walk the mean streets of North Dakota, shirtless. I've said this about a million times to anyone who will listen (a rapidly shrinking group), but I hate movies that are made to trick idiots into paying for something because it reminds them when they were younger. That isn't a good reason to pay for a movie any more than it is a good reason to reacquaint yourself with an older lover. Here are my 20 things I'd rather do than see the assuredly stupid GI Joe movie.

    1. Date another sociopath for a much longer time period.
    2. Drink 24 cans of Natty Light and then vomit in front of my parents.
    3. Do paid canvassing for a Evangelical conservative Republican in a primary for a state representative race in Utah.
    4. Sleep outdoors in a tent.
    5. Agree to write a 20 page research paper for a college friend "just to help him/her out."
    6. Take every single Facebook quiz in one day that I've seen since FB quizzes began.
    7. Relive the age of 10.
    8. Take a vow of abstinence from blogs for one year and instead just watch cable news.
    9. Try to carry on a conversation with someone who thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old.
    10. Be a contest on a "reality" TV dating show and not be able to use sarcasm.
    11. Choosing something to give up for Lent because I think it's important to my religious beliefs.
    12. Spend an entire day talking about politics, without ever revealing my own beliefs, with the guy that shouted pro-Bush statements during the Pearl Jam song "Bu$hleader" in the 2003 concert Brandon and I attended.
    13. Live on $1 a day, or whatever the standard of living is for someone who is in absolute poverty.
    14. Have a trust fund that keeps me from ever having to acknowledge the economic realities of people in this country or in the rest of the world.
    15. Write a "five star" review of the movie Tomcats.
    16. Get food poisoning once a month for the rest of my life.
    17. Watch one of my best friends be stabbed to death by a homeless man.
    18. Meet my birth parents, find out they're happily married with three kids, and have them tell me they thought they had gotten an abortion.
    19. Start eating meat after seven years of abstinence because "it really tastes good."
    20. Watch the GI Joe Cartoon completely unironically and get seriously into the plots of episodes and then make a case to a peer that they were rife with social commentary on the military-industrial complex.







    Tuesday Debate: Should Glenn Have Been Online 10 Hours Earlier to Debate in This Article?

    By Glenn, Jake and Maddie

    Today was like any other Tuesday, except Glenn was too busy packing to come online to debate, until now (9:30). I have been drinking since 7 and am currently on beer three, but will probably be one beer six by the end of the debate. This is a debate on whether Glenn should have been online earlier so we could have debated something normally like we usually do, or was he right to put his personal business ahead of One Year in Texas' most popular feature, the debate.


    Jake (Pro): I understand that it's important for Glenn to pack and get ready to move so he can finally go work. Yet, I feel that if he has the time to be online at 9:30 he could have just as well been packing now and been debating earlier, at a much more sober time for myself. It's Cinco de Mayo, and I obviously want to celebrate Mexico's defeat of Frech forces. I'm a normal American male, like a Scotty Riggs-type. Glenn most likely has nothing left to do today besides listen to Bright Eyes, Fleet Foxes and Blind Melon, yet he could not find the time to even begin the debate this morning. I was around all day and even emailed back and forth with Glenn. I then grilled some trout (which was great) and watched Raw (which was awful). Glenn just got online and expects me to debate who the sexiest Supreme Court justice of all time is, well fuck that.

    Glenn (Con): First of all, I never said we had to debate the sexiest Supreme Court justice explicitly. I merely told you that out of all the possible replacements for David Souter I thought Elena Kagan was the best looking and then used the winking emoticon at you. I understand why you think that if I can be online now, why couldn't I have been online later? I've just been thrown through a loop since I got this job and found out I have to move to the other side of the country and shave my beard in only a few days. From the comfort of your computer chair that might sound easy but for someone in a wheelchair it's very difficult. I'm not in one, but you can see how this relates. I admit that I listened to both Bright Eyes and Fleet Foxes, but that was AS I was doing things like cleaning out my car or burning old love letters I got from Soleil Moon Frye, who played Punky Brewster. I have also showed great restraint by even DOING this debate instead of getting drunk tonight - as many caucasian people with fictional Latino roots traditionally do on a horrible night like this.

    Jake (Pro): First of all, I find it very hard to believe that you would receive love letters from a classic beauty like Soleil Moon Frye, but that point withstanding I still feel like you could have easily been online earlier. You obviously had the time to email me and probably 10 others every time they sent you a titillating electronic message. Your "restraint" is clearly nothing but bupkis as I am now on beer #4 and am showing more intellect than a bear around a beehive. Elana Kagan is at best a butter face, my winking emoticon was nothing but a ruse to try to lure you online to debate me on any subject. We could have easily "banged one out" (in a non-masturbatory way) earlier while you putting your old wrestling VHS'es into boxes while I'm working on my side, then coming back to the computer for 15 minutes (at most) at a time to put your side up. We could have had our debate up at 6pm, just as I was eating my delicious trout dinner and watching a terrible episode of Raw.

    Glenn (Con): If that debate had been up at 6pm with the topic you suggested "In this time of economic downturn, should child molestation be acceptable?" then middle class families across the country would have sat down to dinner, turned on their computer and be shocked and repulsed by a debate that was just too honest for these hard economic times. Speaking of hard economic times, I wish you could be more supportive of me getting my dream job as I would if you finally got your dream job of being Andy Griffith's personal assistant. Just like in any relationship, being supportive here means agreeing with me when I'm being illogical and not criticizing me when I'm wrong. Any woman can tell you that, even Maddie. As for the emails you mention, it is one thing for me to reply to an email on my Blackberry while in the midst of ironing and quite another for me to power up my supercomputer from 1955 and try to write a debate using binary code. The only thing I will concede is that I can step away from the computer and return, like the proverbial father who "steps out for milk" and doesn't come back until his son is in his 20s and has money he thinks he can steal.

    Jake (Pro): While I obviously think child molestations is wrong, I do think that in these financial times the laws should be a little looser as child molesters are a large part of our economy. Without child molesters Toys R Us would be even more out of business than they already are, there would be no market for Gak (or Gak's cousin Gooze) and The Jonas Brothers would only be gold instead of multi-platinum. I mean, we could sit here and debate whether child molestation is acceptable in this economic downturn, but that's unfortunately not what we're here for. Instead we're stuck debating whether you should have been online earlier, which I still say "yes" to. While you were ironing I was listening to a speed merengue mix. I could have been packing and ironing, too. I wasn't because I was waiting for you to come online. I was sitting here in my computer chair, going blind looking at my monitor and listening to said mix. Here I am now, watching American Dad instead of UFC while Kaleena plays solitaire (with actual cards!!!) waiting for me to finish this debate. I can't even eat my gaucamole that I made because I'm too busy typing this rebuttal. While were living it up, ironing and listening to the Fleet Foxes (which I didn't even like and deleted after one listen) I was sitting here wishing I could debate somebody, but instead of asking Maddie to debate I just sulked.

    Glenn (Con): I'm sorry that you sulked, though if you did I hope you were listening to Sulk by Radiohead off the Bends while you did it. While it's too early to make grand claims, this could be our last debate forever - or at least for a while. I'm glad we were finally able to bring up Toys R(backwards) Us but sad that such a previously strong toy store has fallen so low. In a way, the rise and fall of Toys R(backwards) Us is a metaphor for our lives, though I couldn't begin to know how. This is not the best debate we've had, but I feel that because I was away from the computer and ironing so furiously during the day today, like some listless meth addict, has given us an extra zeal for tonight's discussion. If I was online, after all, we couldn't be having this debate at all. In spite of your dislike of indie darlings Fleet Foxes I will be sad to possibly not be debating with you anymomre and am glad we could at least go out with a bang. The idea of someone playing solitaire with real cards seems as anachronistic and charming as two men, jobless and online, debating the most important cultural topics of the week. That is what we tried to do here and that is why I waited 10 hours to being and now end this debate.

    Maddie's Take:First of all, discliamser: I am drunk like Jake so I may havea few typoes.
    When Glen first got onlinee this is what happened:
    me: have u packed a lot today??
    Glenn: eh not really
    me: wtf!
    Glenn: it's more like cleaning so far
    That “eh not really” dos more for Jake’s debat than anything. If Glenn is “not really” packing ands only cleaning, I don’t see whys he couldntve gotten online a little sooner to starrt the debate. But theen again, I am the strongst supporter of Glenn and his new jobb, so anything he does in relationm to that is good to me. If Glen told Jake he would b online at 5 and wasn’t, then thaat is WRONG! So worng!! But I’m sorry Jake, just for thee fact that Glenn called me a woman—a landmrk in our friendship—I am rewardingf him the winner of this debatew. Happye Cinco De May!

    Tuesday Debate: Earth Hour

    By Glenn, Jake and Maddie



    Earth Hour (aka "the hour that saved the world") is held every year on the last Saturday in March by the WWF (not the same WWF which once held a casket match between Kamala and the Undertaker at Survivor Series '92). Earth Hour is meant to raise awareness of climate change by turning off non-essential lights and electrical appliances. In 2009, Earth Hour was held on March 28, between 8:30 and 9:30 PM. What follows is a debate over the merits and morality of last Saturday's event.


    Glenn/Pro: Earth Hour alone will never solve our world's massive environmental problems, or so we thought until last Saturday night. At 8:30pm CST, the Earth turned off its lights for one hour and also turned a page on a past. Between the comments section of this website and graffiti in the worst parts of our nation's biggest cities, you've seen the debate over Earth Hour rage on like an uncontrollable fire. Like any fire, this one threatens to kill everyone in its path and affects people already in the most drought-filled areas. I supported Earth Hour because I think if people turn off their lights, it will lower our carbon footprint, which is what causes global warming. Also, it will force people to remember what it was like to live BEFORE we got fitted for our carbon shoes. That was a time when we didn't have lights, computers or even the internet. A happier time? Possibly, but it was certainly a time when we respected and reversed the beauty of mother nature. Now we treat her no better than Eric and Lyle Menendez treated their mother.

    Jake/Con: I don't want anybody to be under the impression that I disrespect the Earth. I have never once called the Earth a bitch or slut, even when I felt the most betrayed by it. I love the planet we live on, it's beautiful and full of wonder that could only have been created by a higher power. There is simply no denying that. Yet, I feel that Earth Hour is an over-hyped bit of nonsense. The Earth already has its own day, now we're supposed to give it an extra hour on the last Saturday of March? Fuck that! We're supposed to turn off unnecessary lights and appliances? I already DO that. I don't go into my basement at night and turn the lights on if nobody is going to be down there. I'm not a mass murderer, and I don't behave like one. The people who organized Earth Hour, the WWF, should have spent their time organizing something that will actually help people. Instead they wasted their time putting together a single hour where we turn off lights. Organizing an hour encouraging people to go outside and pick up the Wendy wrappers whipping across their lawns would have served as a better cause, in my opinion.

    Glenn/Pro: If you're trying to group me with Wendy's, I'm almost as offended as the children of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas were when they found out they were adopted. I agree with you that Wendy's does more to destroy our planet than Exxon, BP and Chevron combined. Where we differ though is the mutual exclusivity. I think you can work to pick up Wendy's trash and put them out of business while also turning off your lights for an hour to stop global warming. I don't mean to accuse you personally of turning on unnecessary lights but as you well know, there are several libertarians and Republicans in our country right now who will turn on every light in the house just to spite the Earth. If they'll do it for one hour, what's stopping them from doing it all the time? That's what Earth hour seeks to counter: the real energy usage of libertarians and the symbolic energy usage of human beings. I do not mean to imply that libertarians are not human beings, yet I realize that's how it will be taken.

    Jake/Con: We could sit here all night trying to figure out ways to put Wendy's out of business and pointing fingers at emotionless, spiteful libertarians, but we just won't. Not tonight. While Republicans and libertarians are undoubtedly the Hans Grubers of the world, not all of them are trying to single-handedly bring the planet to its knees, begging for mercy, only to spit in its face and deliver a crushing blow to its (figurative) melon. My point is that we should always be turning the lights off if we're not home, unless its to ward off serial killers. Nor do wet need to leave our stereos on while on vacation, playing the latest Hootie and the Blowfish hit record, just because we think its not getting enough radio play. I think a person with even below average intelligence, and a normal level of hatred and spite for the planet, would turn off their appliances and lights just out of habit when heading to the local soda fountain for a lemon Coke. The WWF needs to stop shoving what we already do as a habit down our throats and pick up all these fucking spicy chicken sandwich wrappers that are cluttering up my front lawn, making it nearly impossible to walk outside without choking to death on the fumes of rotting chicken breast fillet fragments.

    Glenn/Pro: I take your point that most people don't spend their time running stereos while on vacation or using lights in vacant rooms. But as I said earlier Earth Hour is also a symbolic gesture. Most Americans don't leave their car idling for hours in a garage (unless they're trying to kill themselves) but they do drive in excess of what they could be doing. The proof of this was shown last year when gasoline prices went sky high and gasoline driving went way down. Sometimes it takes market forces - look at me, sounding like a fucking libertarian - to make people change their behavior patterns, but sometimes they just need to think about it more. Thus the goal of Earth Hour. The cost of water has never gone up in my life, but at some point I stopped letting it run while I was brushing my teeth. This was because of the very successful Water Hour held in the early 90s, to celebrate the fall of the Soviet Union and encourage people to go longer without water.

    Jake/Con: Earth Hour is symbolic to you, but for many people it is very real. For many people, like my grandparents, Earth Hour is the only thing they do in order to help the planet or other people. If WWF spent as much time promoting not throwing trash on the streets and breaking bottles in fragile ecosystems as they did promoting the Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon storyline back in 1997 and '98 the entire Earth would be sparkling clean. I'd like to reiterate that I'm not against people doing Earth Hour, I'm against the WWF, who are wasting their time and money (that people donated) to promote Earth Hour instead of promoting something that could make even more of a global impact.

    Maddie's Take: Wow! What a great debate, guys. With so many WWF mentions I am surprised things didn’t get more ugly—but then again, Earth Hour reminds us of nature, which makes us feel calm and at peace with the world, so I shouldn’t be too surprised things stayed so civil. Glenn makes the very important point that turning off lights does in fact waste less energy, and in turn lowers our carbon footprint and helps defeat the very real problem of global warming. Jake agrees with Glenn that turning off lights when not using them is a good idea, but he thinks the organizers should have put their money and energy behind an event that actually encouraged people do something more active, like picking up litter. Glenn is obviously right that Earth Hour was a symbolic gesture, but, in my humble opinion, that is what makes it dangerous. As Jake said, Earth Hour is the only thing his grandparents have done in their entire lives to help humankind in any way, shape, or form. It makes them feel like they are doing something important, when in reality they are just doing something they should be doing. This is why Earth Hour was a silly concept and why I am rewarding Jake as the winner of this debate.