Hi Katy - Issue XXIII

By Katy



Thanks to Glenn, I have spent the better part of my evening (which I normally devote to advice giving) reading a time consuming (but admittedly hilarious) website and thus cannot provide the intense and overly developed advice I usually commit myself to. Since I got snubbed on questions last week I'm not feeling particularly giving anyway. HOWEVER, so that I may continue to answer your prayers, please enjoy Hi Katy: LIGHTENING-ISH ROUND edition.


Hi Katy,
I've never asked anybody's advice before. EVER. I don't believe in it, really. I feel like I should be able to manage my life on my own, but that's just not always the case, is it? My question: How do you drive with a manual transmission? It seems really hard, but people who do it love it. I don't know who else I can turn to.
-Manual Manuel

Hi Manuel,
I don't drive a manual and really never have. I've definitely given it a few shots in my time but life and relationships stood in my path. Allow me to quickly elaborate:

See, my mother had a whole flock of children and I'm one of the youngest. When the time came for me to learn how to drive I was deadset on driving a manual because they are just all around better cars and tend to last longer. I asked my mom to teach me to drive her truck and she informed me she was tired of teaching kids how to drive and that my dad should do it. That would have been a fine solution except my dad spent six days a week at the Moose Lodge and when he came home he locked himself in the basement where we could hear him sobbing uncontrollably throughout the night. Not a prime teaching candidate. So, my best friend tried to teach me but she was terribly impatient and only communicated through a Doodle Dome; you can imagine the difficulties.

I mean I got the basic idea down, but haven't quite figured out how to put it all together... like when to let go of the clutch and press the gas or the appropriate way to power punch the brake and signal with your tongue while you put the car into ZOOM. It's too much for me to handle. Soon we'll probably all have cars that drive themselves on a computer system, so my advice would be to simply not worry about it at this point.

Hi Katy,
I have this friend who thinks chocolate is the best flavor of ice cream. I think he's a moron, because clearly it's either mocha with toffee pieces or cinnamon with bits of fried tortilla with cinnamon sprinkled on it. I have a third friend who thinks sherbet is the best. Can you believe that shit?
-Ice Cream Carl

Hi Carl,
I can actually believe that shit. It seems that different people have different preferences and this rings especially true as it applies to ice cream flavors. For example, I don't eat ice cream at all. Think about that for a while.

Hi Katy,
I just found out that a good friend of mine likes the band Hoobastank. Do you think I'm obligated to end our friendship?
-Hoobastank H8r

Hi H8r,
That is definitely a more than fair reason to call it quits. Granted, friends of similar groupage are bound to have some inconsistencies on music favorites, but no one in their right mind should think Hoobastank has something to offer.

I used to be a soccer manager and the first song on their warm-up CD was Hoobastank's "Crawling in the Dark." After four or five practices I was filled with so much disdain for this lyrically atrocious song that I left the field and immediately committed several vandalism crimes using water balloons. I was arrested and my life nearly ended until I got off on a technicality.

If that doesn't do it for you then I dare you to listen to "The Reason" just once (or one more time for anybody who was alive in 2003, '04, '05, or '06) without swallowing an entire bottle of aspirin.

Hi Katy,
If God has deemed me worthy to suffer from a debilitating physical malady -- let's say tendinitis of the neck -- and it hurts so bad that I can't even glorify His Name without wincing in excruciating pain, do you think He would forgive me for committing suicide? It hurts so bad that I want to die, but I also want to go to heaven, and as we all know, suicide is a mortal sin.
- Terminal Tracy

Hi Tracy,
God says suicide is a mortal sin. Well, people who decipher "God's Word" say suicide is a mortal sin, but if there was a God do you really think he'd burden his faithful with neck tendinitis? I think not. As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to your own end and you need not worry about what this gracious and loving God person says about it.

**Disclaimer: Katy does not advocate suicide (openly) to any persons at any time and is not liable for said suicides after reading a Hi Katy posting.

Hi Katy,
I live at a commune with a bunch of hippies, and I'd be lying if I told you these hippies don't practice free love. I'm trying to keep my number under 50, so I usually (USUALLY) don't partake in the psychedelic orgies. There's this one guy, let's call him "Suncloud," who has sort of latched on to me. I can tell he really wants to have an orgy with me, or possibly even a more old-fashioned twosome. The problem is that, of all the human beings on the commune, Suncloud is probably the very last person I want to be one with, if you know what I mean. He calls and texts me all the time, and I never answer. When he's over here, I make a point to not interact with him. But he STILL won't leave me alone! Yesterday he sent me a mean text telling me I was rude for not replying. Why won't he just get the hint? Why are men so dense? What can I do to make him see that I detest him physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?!
- Lotus Moondust

Hi Moondust,
Well I just came from a big hippie festival in Minnesota and let me tell you--hippies are not what they used to be. Instead of a people who experiment with mind altering drugs to expand their thinking and being while attempting to protect Mother Nature, they've transformed into Natty Light junkies who find power in the words of Dave Matthews and over-priced hula-hoops.

They're just like any other high school or frat boy who sees a wet hole and takes their shot. Their braincells have dwindled to a point where they hear "no" but don't quite comprehend its purpose. They're too OUT THERE and FREE FROM AUTHORITY to find reasonable resistance in any pleasure they wish to fulfill.

I say get it over with. This guy is going to bother you until one night he finally finds you passed out in the corner of a barn and has his way with you. I think if you just sleep with the guy on your own terms he'll move on to other wandering holes. Better yet--go for the orgy! Get a good eight or nine people in there and there's a good chance he'll never get around to actually touching you at all! Take some pictures for me and upload them to your Myspace; I hope all works out.

*****

It was short! But wasn't it sweet? I advised, I aided, I yawned here and there and all in all I feel it was a job well done. Hopefully everyone's moving into a time in their lives where troubles will hold them hostage and we can keep up this grand tradition of me saving you from yourselves. Until next week--be safe, be clean, and use your head!

katy@oneyearintexas.com

8 comments:

  1. hi katy,

    i applied the advice you gave Moondust to my own similar situation and now i'm pregnant and have genital warts! i'm afraid my baby will come out with dreads and a taste for trey anastasio. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

    -Ward N. Six

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hippies are dumb. They listen to shit music and they mostly consider themselves "hippies" because they do a variety or drugs. I'd rather listen to Hoobastank than Phish or Dave Matthews.

    ReplyDelete
  3. jake, i agree. although i'd chose death over listening to any of those bands.

    katy, what hilarious, time-onsuming website were you reading?! do tell!

    ReplyDelete
  4. when i was a teenager i got a phish cd out from the library and actually sort of liked it until i realized the social connotations associated with phish.
    hoobastank and dmb can go to hell, though!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really, really loathe DMB and Phish but would choose them over Hoobastank in an instant.

    Ingrid: You slut. Only hippies can have orgies without repercussions.

    Maddie: dontevenreply.com I LOL'd like, every 5 seconds.

    Jake: Not all hippies suck; that's an unfair general statement. We're all friends here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm friends with enough hippies to know that they suck. They don't individually suck, just as a whole. Their entire identity is built around using drugs and listening to horrible music. It's like when my grandma says that black people are always walking in the middle of the street. She doesn't mean all black people, she only means the ones who walk in the street while she's driving.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My grandma means all black people.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't read this article until right now but not as embarrassed as I am to say I was listening to "The Reason" by Hoobastank while reading it.

    ReplyDelete