Good Morning Today [Dec 24th]

By Glenn 
There's nothing special about today. Last night I went back in time to a bar in my hometown where I saw people from my high school. There are only two bars in the town and there's an equal number of holidays to draw people back for the nightlife. Last night was the second biggest one of the year and it showed in the number of Bud Lights I drank and the number of date rapists I saw: three. I hope people can use today to get in touch with friends from high school. If you're still in high school, simply make a pact to meet back at a local bar in 8 years. It's the only way to make sure you never lose touch.

[There's a really great scene in Funny People that I don't want to mention unless you've seen the movie. In the comments section please indicate if you have seen this film.]

Today's Weather
There's actually a pretty big fucking storm happening in most relevant parts of the country right now. North Dakota is getting hit by a big snowstorm as always while Illinois is experiencing a mix of cold rain and corruption rampant at the highest levels of government. You can't impeach the weather though. You can only vote it out every four years. Please be careful if you're driving to Panama City Beach for vacation today. This ice isn't as forgiving as your parents might be about your "tramp stamp" tattoo. For those of you who are parents, lighten up on the tattoo - you're only young once and a tattoo only lasts until it gets stupid! For the sky, lighten up too. Don't precipitate on us.

Today's Snack
Unless you're an orphan, you probably travel back to your parents houses for special occasions, like Christmas or the execution of a serial killer. A great thing about being at "home" (as if I will ever feel at home anywhere) is that there are snacks everywhere! Whether it's Swedish Fish, gingersnaps or a gallon of room temperature butter, it's hard not to eat some junk food while you wait for your vicodin to take effect. This is what I'm eating right now:
It's Oreo cookies and milk! I hope Nabisco pays some fucking money to advertise on our site now. But I swear to you as if I believed in anything that I really ate those Oreos, dipped in milk.

Today's Song

This is kind of avant garde Pearl Jam from their kind of avant garde album No Code in 1996. I think with the music backing it can be a bit haunting, but a good way - like in the Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy. If you'll listen to it I think you'll understand what I mean. If you don't listen to it, don't ask me for a way to be beautifully haunted because I've already given you one you haven't used.

Today's Prediction
Someone's going to watch the video/listen to the song I posted above and realize that being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. Thus the next time that person visits parents and snacks on Oreos, the decision will be made to move back into their house and try to capture lost youth. This person will have been back home for only a week when old friends call to meet up at the local bar. On the way home icy roads will cause the car to skid off and end up in a ditch. The person is fine but the car is as fucked up as the Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy.


  1. i've never seen funny people. and i don't have any friends from high school.

  2. I have seen the movie Funny Peolpe and I am still in high school.

  3. well i can honestly say i started to wath the Pearl Jam video but failed to finish. alas, this was a fantastic article and i <3 oreos and milk, unless they're the fudge dipped. then you don't even need milk (at least for dipping).

  4. I'm surprised you're ok after that car accident! Thanks for the PJ!@# I've never seen that video and I can't say it adds much to the song, but it was worth seeing anyway. I hope you, John Maust, Dallas Drummond, and Reid Spivey had fun last night. BTW you really should come over on Christmas

  5. Glenn? How do you decide which words to use when you link to your advertisers? The randomness is pretty awesome.

    And the storm here was fucking ridiculous. After I rescued my parents' 85 year old neighbor from being trapped in his house from all the snow and cleared his driveway, he told me that there's never been that much snow in his driveway. But I'm pretty sure every old person says that every year when we get our first big snowstorm.


  6. The words the ads select are random.