Happy X-Mas: The Commercial

By Bub

Scene: Young Man arrives in car at Hardee's. It is morning time, cold but sunny, in the city. Light jazz Asturd Gilberto's version of 'Girl from Ipanema' is playing. Camera follows Young Man's car from the street to a parking space in the parking lot of the Hardee's.

Cut to inside Hardee's. Shot of Young Man, one hand on opposite elbow, other hand on chin. Look of contemplation about the Young Man's face as he looks up to the posted menu.

Close-up of Hardee's breakfast menu, then super close-up of item 'Sausage Egg & Cheese Biscuit'. Cut to shot of Young Man smiling wryly.

Cut to Young Man sitting in the driver's seat of his car in the Hardee's parking lot holding a wrapped biscuit sandwich in both hands just above his lap, thumbs on top. Young Man begins to unwrap biscuit.

Close up of fully unwrapped biscuit reveals that instead of a Sausage Egg & Cheese biscuit the Young Man has been given a Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit. Happy X-Mas(War Is Over) by John Lennon begins playing. Camera pans up and out slowly as Lennon's haunting voice echoes over the song's solemn opening chords.

"So this is Christmas...And what have you done...another year over...and a new one just begun"

Camera continues to pan out and upward through the roof of the vehicle as a murdered soul would ascend to heaven. The song swells as the camera continues to pan up.

"And so this is Christmas...I hope you have fun...The near and the dear ones...The old and the young..."

As the shot is widening more of the city is revealed. But as more of the city is revealed its scale diminishes rendering the details - the buildings, the streets, the lives, the human connections - less and less significant until swallowed whole by the blackness of space.

The chorus hits as the shot cuts to graphic war footage:

"A very Merry Christmas..."

Night-vision footage of 'Operation Shock and Awe' bombings of Baghdad, cut to day-time footage of bombed-out rubble and victims' family members crying in streets

"And a Happy New Year..."

Tanks storming Poland, cut to a Nazi rally with a fist pounding Hitler.

"Let's hope it's a good one..."

Man walking on the moon, cut to Charles Manson.

"Without any fear"

Russian circus bears performing, cut to Telletubbies, cut to Barack Obama giving a speech/fade into Martin Luther King giving the 'I Have a Dream' speech, cut to Family Ties - a clip from the episode where Alex throws a party while his parents are out of town for the weekend and then gets miffed when his sister Mallory leaves the party with the high school Romeo/fade into footage from the Zimbardo/Stanford Prison Experiment, cut to stock footage of a nuclear explosion.

Song is cut and sound from nuclear blast can be heard. Fade to black.

Alternate ending:

After nuclear blast cut back to inside Young Man's car in Hardee's parking lot. Young Man looks at sandwich silently then proceeds to eat it with no change in his affectation. Happy X-Mas begins playing again. Shot changes to just outside of car and shows Young Man pull out of the parking lot and driving away. Fade to black.

Alternate to alternate ending:

After nuclear blast cut back to inside Young Man's car in Hardee's parking lot. Young Man looks at sandwich silently then proceeds to eat it with no change in his affectation. Happy X-Mas begins playing again. Young Man finishes sandwich, reaches down to passenger side floor board and retrieves a Molotov cocktail. Young Man exits vehicle. Shot switches to outside vehicle in parking lot, shows Young Man approach Hardee's in slow motion. He lights the Molotov cocktail then throws it through the large glass window. He returns to his car and drives away as flames engulf the building. Burning Hardee's patrons trip and jump their way out the doorway and the windows. Music swells. Fade to black.


  1. There aren't enough Molotov cocktails in commercials.

  2. I love Hardee's as much as Mikey loves Arby's.

    And whoever calls it Carl Jr's can go to hell!

  3. chilling. i love it.

    it's carl jr's in most of the southwest, i think, nate.

  4. p.s. i like this new heading and color scheme, jake, but i really miss seeing my name listed on the side under contributors. i don't want to have to click on an extra tab to see my name. i'm almost 26 years old, for god's sake. haven't i earned a front-page byline???!?

  5. Well, if you click on the contributors tab you're going to be even more angry.

  6. i know, i see that now. x(
    AND my posts are never filed under "best of..."
    i'm taking my business elsewhere, to OYIT's arch nemesis.

  7. You're a 'contributor' to my heart Ingrid! I don't pick the 'Best of...' but it seems that it doesn't include GM posts.

  8. You can pick best of if you wanted to. There's over 500 posts now so it's definitely a necessity if we want people to read any old articles.

  9. thanks, bub! <3

    now, can someone tell me who OYIT's arch nemesis is?

  10. I DONT want to. Maybe Ingrid does