OYIT New Year's Resolutions

Tonight is New Year's Eve, the third most magical day in December (following Christmas and Boxing Day). Part of the magic of New Year's Eve is making, and then quickly breaking, resolutions. Though there was intense debate on if you release your resolutions before the "new year," the staff decided to list the five things we wanted to do differently in 2010. If you have a New Year's resolution of your own, please post it in the comment section or write it on a piece of paper and bury it in a nearby Jewish cemetery.


  • Get 10,000 followers on Twitter and tell them what I ate for breakfast every day.

  • Read a book.

  • Watch every episode of Who's the Boss?

  • Write a script for a sitcom about a guy who opens a computer repair shop in the heart of Amish country.

  • Buy a new pair of sunglasses.


  • Eat at Arby's more than 102 times (my current record).

  • Remember my anniversary for once.

  • Play a video game with my son. I don't have to win, just not embarrass myself. Maybe I should practice.

  • Listen to at least one album that comes out in 2010. Hopefully Hootie is releasing a new one.

  • Eat less omelets and more frittatas.


  • Lose 200 pounds

  • Take and use one of the Hollywood Tan coupons the man on 6th Ave always tries to give me

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine

  • Find a husband

  • Hate even MORE people/things for irrational reasons


  • Convince everyone I know that the end of the decade is one year from now, not today.

  • Become a pet owner in a desperate attempt to fill an emotional void in my life.

  • Chat online less, but with more people.

  • Don't gain one more pound from eating Sour Patch Kids, unless it's muscle.

  • Start my new gender reassignment cruise business.


  • Kill something.

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

  • Start a new dance craze - the whirling phlebotomist.

  • Pee on command.

  • Start a rival TV network to Oprah's channel that broadcasts everything on Oprah's channel but instead of the actual audio, the song 'I Like To Move It' will be played on a loop.

    Hot Rod

  • Kill something.

  • Be Jesus.

  • Turn Rock 'n' Roll into a candy.

  • Make a wife out of cigarettes.

  • Buy my mom something nice.

  • I resolve to donate $100 to every Tea Party candidate running for Congress.

  • End don't Ask Don't Tell, close Gitmo, and end the War in Iraq by the end of the year.

  • I resolve to get into shape by swimsuit season.

  • I resolve to stop writing "Happy Birthday" on Facebook walls.

  • I resolve to build a better Build-A-Bear.

  • I resolve to end my fingernail chewing habit by carrying finger nail clippers with me wherever I go.

  • I resolve to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the US by 0.913% by getting a vasectomy.

    1. This was fun. Jake I'm holding you to every one of yours, and I'll even help with the Amish sitcom. As for me I've already accomplished four of the five. Glenn's were funnier than mine. Maddie should have started reading Cosmopolitan Magazine BEFORE she moved to New York City. I am surprised that Mikey has only managed to eat at ARBY'S 102 times in one year. I think I've eaten at Oodles of Noodles more times this year than that and I've only been in Chicago six months. And Hot Rod what can I say, all those crazy dreams of yours will someday come true.

    2. If Hot Rod becomes Jesus I'm checking out.

    3. Perhaps he's already Jesus and this is his subtle way of announcing his return.

    4. you're all very inspiring.